Listen

Yesterday was my Kimmy Jarae's 5th birthday. She's 5! I really can't believe it. I am shocked that my little toddler got replaced by a big kid.

She had school yesterday (her 3rd day of kindergarten), but I still tried to make her day as special as I could. She got to wear her new My Little Pony (current obsession) shirt with Rainbow Dash on it. I gave her Starbursts for breakfast (well, pre-breakfast, since we're cashing in on the $1.10 breakfasts at school). I sent cupcakes and flowers and a balloon to her school (judge me all you want, but my child is not spoiled by material things. So I went all out for her birthday). After school, we ran to the grocery store and then came home to make dinner together.

We made gumbo. Kimmy's been begging to try gumbo for months. She loves okra, and when she learned that it's a key ingredient in Tiana's dish in Princess and the Frog, she latched onto the idea of making it for dinner sometime. We got tons of fresh veggies from the farmers' market this weekend, including the okra mother lode, so we were all set for gumbo cookin'. I thought her birthday was the perfect occasion!

I love being a mom, and I know I'm a pretty good one. One thing I seriously struggle with, though, is active listening. I'm so exhausted in the evenings and overwhelmed with managing a routine, cleaning, getting everything ready for the next day, doing homework, keeping some semblance of a social life, and getting enough sleep, that I generally do a terrible job listening, being patient, sticking to one task at a time, and sitting down to spend relaxing time with my Kimmy-girl instead of bouncing around the house like a pinball. I catch myself saying, "Mmhmm. Oh, that's great," to many of the things Kimmy tells me (or tries to tell me) in the evenings. I have horrible mommy guilt over it, and I resent single parenting for making it my reality. I'm the only person Kimmy has to talk to, and I ruin it a lot by being so lacking in energy. I'm just spread so thin that there is no way I can hit the evening portion of our day with a full battery. I get really down about it.

So last night I put my phone down and spent some real quality time with my baby. We (mostly she) talked, and I listened. She took me by surprise several times throughout the evening! I was so astonished at how much she knows and has been learning lately. Even the way she forms sentences now...it's like she's a grown-up trapped in that little girly-girl frame.

While we were prepping our veggies for cooking, I was dicing an onion. When I moved on to the garlic, Kimmy said, "I already know what that knife move is called, Mommy." I said, "Oh, you do? What?" "Mincing." I literally had no clue she knew that! She said she learned it from Princess and the Frog when Prince Naveen is mincing mushrooms. And then she helped me mince.

Next, she started munching on a green pepper--a favorite snack of my brother's when he was Kimmy's age. She said she loved it, and I told her she was awesome and brave to always try new foods.

The evening was interspersed with random friends and family members calling and sending messages to wish her a happy birthday like Nana and Papple and Nate and Brice, but we still got to talk to each other a lot. Probably my favorite part was when we were sitting at the bar together just digging into our bowls of gumbo when she finally opened up to me about how school was going. I've barely heard a peep about school since the first day, and it had me kind of worried.

We had a nice heart to heart about her class and teacher, her new best friend Averi who sits at the table next to her, how it takes time to learn new names and make new friends, how her school is pretty big compared to my grade school and how I think she's showing a lot of courage by not being intimidated by being around so many people. She told me her favorite part of school is that she's going to learn to read, and her least favorite part is not having nap time. (Cue the mommy guilt for her having to go to Latch-Key before and after school while her momma goes to work, which makes for 10-hour days.)

We finished up our evening with blackberries sprinkled with sugar, and I got my 5-year-old sidekick into bed only about a half hour late.

Kimmy's final thought before bed? "I have a question. What if we could swim in clouds?" She might be growing up quickly, but that mind of hers is still wild, innocent, free, and full of dreams. I love her so.

Parenting never feels better than when you're connected with your kiddo without distractions. My favorite ways to get there with Kimmy are camping, vacationing, and cooking. I need to make a point of it more often! But what would parenting be without lots of mini failures, right? I need grace. Lots and lots of grace. We've made it to age 5 with smiles on our faces, and we can make it much farther!

I love you, Kimmy Jarae-jee Jay-jee Jarae.

-Momma

Let's talk about long-distance relationships

So I'm about a month into being "officially" in a relationship with the most wonderful man. He just happens to live 1,156 miles away from me, which comes with its fair share of speculation from some of the people in our lives. I don't know what their biggest fears/concerns are. Maybe that one of us has ulterior motives and is using the other or maybe that we're caught up in some artificial/lusty feelings or maybe that we're moving too fast or maybe that it's just not possible for us to overcome the distance and get to the same zip code long enough to be a long-term thing.

Well, I'm here to squash all that, so let's talk about long-distance relationships.

This year I have put myself out into the universe and entered the pool of eligible bachelorettes out on the dating field after several years of purposeful singleness and taking care of my daughter, myself, and the peace of our household. In that time, I have been on dates (or some version of that) with 8 dudes prior to Brice, and in the past couple years, I've talked to about quadruple that amount. (Side note: I have introduced Kimmy to like none of these guys, but I can't wait for her to meet Brice!)

My first point is this: there is no one like my boyfriend. No one. I've talked to enough dudes to know. Even the guys I've thought were the real deal turned out to either be duds (excuse the language, but this is colloquially known as being a fuckboy), a terribly incompatible match, on some whole other time-frame than me, or just terrified of commitment. Landing with these guys over and over again made me discover exactly what I want and deserve. So when that man materialized right in front of my eyes, you bet your ass I grabbed his hand and jumped!

Are we moving too fast? No. Honestly, I don't understand how anyone could think this. The distance forces us to crawl. We don't get to go out on dates every night or cuddle on the couch and watch movies together or hug or kiss or laugh together (sad face!) or anything that involves us being in the same proximity as each other. We spend a month at a time apart, book-ended by a long weekend spent together. So for all the spaces in-between, we spend our time talking...putting every single piece of information out on the table, getting to know every last thing about each other, and clinging onto each word. We memorize each other's minds, hearts, anxieties, fears, hopes, dreams, and goals. We text and talk on the phone and video chat and send silly snaps.

We talk about the tough stuff that many couples don't get to until much farther in their relationships: what ticks us off, what stresses us out, what we regret from our past, finances, credit scores, failures, our deepest insecurities, things we want to do and see but have maybe never felt supported enough to delve into. We take the time to learn how each other feels loved most, how to make the other one laugh, how to spot a bad day/mood and how to make it better. We make the best of what we have right here and now. There is no pressure, no tension. We're right on the same page. Our pace is perfect.

I say all this not because I feel like I need to justify my life choices to anyone, but to show that this is not a relationship I just randomly hopped into with no prior thought--and the same from his perspective. I have hoped and prayed for this man for years, and he's been looking for me for awhile, too. Please don't worry about us because we've got this!

Brice and I are serious about each other. This is real life. This is not a drill. This is not a game to us. Being together is not a band-aid fix for an issue in either of our lives. We are two grown, independent adults who are each individually and mutually choosing to be together. And I think I speak for both of us when I say that we definitely wouldn't put ourselves through the torture of being 6 states apart for a while if there wasn't something very real and very awesome between us. Yes, we met on the internet: a perfectly valid way of forming a human connection in the year 2017. The two of us knew our feelings were real long before we ever met in person, and meeting just solidified and deepened all that. And you want to know the best part? We have a plan to end the distance. Because when you love somebody, time and space do not matter. Love will win, and it will bring two hearts beating out of their chests for each other together.

For the most part, though, we've got a whole lot of supportive people in our corner. I think they really get us, and that support feels really, really good. (Thanks, y'all!)

But for any haters/doubters: even *if* we're both bat-shit crazy and our two very grounded selves both somehow have zero grip on reality and have imagined this whole love thing, whoop-de-freaking-do. That's for us to discover on our own, not to be told about by you.

We all have this one short life. And we're just two imperfect souls living ours the best way we know how.

Peace,
Kels

Fall for the guy

Fall for the guy who will do anything to get to you, who never forgets to text you back, who is genuinely excited to be in your life.

Fall for the guy who never lets a day go by without telling you you're beautiful.

Fall for the guy who listens without judgment.

Fall for the guy whose hugs feel like sunshine and rainbows.

Fall for the guy who loves his family and can't wait to meet yours too (including your daughter).

Fall for the guy who can stop time when he kisses you, who makes everything slow and easy when he's around.

Fall for the guy who acknowledges, loves, and respects your independence, but who speaks directly to your love language and steps right in and helps with the overwhelming stuff anyway (like cleaning your biggest pet peeve: gritty kitchen floors) without ever expecting anything in return.

Fall for the guy who calls you, even though he kind of hates talking on the phone.

Fall for the guy who never once makes you feel ashamed when you write him an entire novel of all the things that are on your mind.

Fall for the guy who will put all his fears in the back of his mind to chase happiness with you.

Fall for the guy who drives your accidentally drunk self home, hands you a glass of water, feeds you an amazing meal he's cooked, listens to your random conversation topics, tucks you in, and then kisses your forehead right before you fall asleep.

Fall for the guy who responds to, "Want to go on an adventure?" with "I'll go anywhere with you."

Fall for the guy who holds your hand every chance he gets.

Fall for the guy who looks at all your flaws dead-on and still chooses you anyway.

Fall for the guy who makes you laugh, who makes you try new things, who makes you settle more deeply into yourself with confidence.

Fall for the guy who's not embarrassed to show you off to his friends and who says sweet things no matter who's within earshot.

Fall for the guy who cooks and brings you a plate of dinner and sits with you as you spaz out over an accounting quiz for a few hours of your life.

Fall for the guy whose actions and words consistently tell you exactly where you stand.

Fall for the guy who is calm and steady in all the ways you are not, yet accepts you just the way you are.

When you find him, he'll be exactly what you deserve, exactly what you've waited for, exactly what people have pleaded with you to know has always existed in the vastness of humankind. He'll leave you standing in breathless wonderment trying to figure out how you ever thought anyone else measured up.

WAIT FOR HIM, LADIES. He is real, and he is somewhere looking for you too.

BG + KP <3

Do things that scare you (single momma travel edition)

One of my proudest accomplishments to date was when I took my daughter to Disney World for her 3rd birthday, just me and her. Gobs of people tried to talk me out of it, friends and family alike. But it was something I felt like I just needed to do for us, and I'm so glad I listened to myself. I learned many, many things on that trip, the biggest of which was that I absolutely can handle taking my daughter somewhere all on my own, all while managing uncertainties and having a whole lot of fun! It was the pivotal experience of my single parenting journey, and it made me realize that I am more than capable.

That was in August 2015. Since then, I've made it a goal of mine to jump at any opportunity to travel with Kimmy. We've been camping together, to King's Island, to zoos, to Disney on Ice, to state parks, to Amish Country, and we just got back from Chicago last night. It's extremely scary and intimidating to take her on trips by myself, but I know the rewards are well worth the stress of overcoming that fear.

Are these trips easy? No. They strain our budget, they push my stress through the roof, and I have to consciously quell my endlessly nagging anxieties the whole time we're on a vacation. Like, seriously the entire time. A lot of little things make me a nervous wreck when I'm responsible for another human being: public transportation, crossing the street, airport security lines, whether or not my kid has peed and pooped recently, whether she's well hydrated, how much money is in my checking account at this exact moment in time, how much cash I have, where the nearest ATM is, whether there will be errors in any of our reservations, whether I have forgotten anything I need, etc., etc., etc. Last year on vacation, we were hit by an intoxicated driver and landed with a completely totaled car before we even made it to our hotel! So, yeah. Not easy at all. There is always some unforeseen circumstance a blink of the eye away that can throw a wrench in the most carefully laid plans.

Are these types of trips fun, though? Heckkkk yes! It feels SO GOOD to get one-on-one quality time with my mini me. It's the perfect opportunity for both of us to get an attitude adjustment, to reset our behaviors, to break out of our monotonous routines, to make new memories, to just get out of the house, and to talk about things heart to heart. I love our girl time, and I will chase these small getaways with her any chance I get.

This past vacation to Chicago, in particular, really helped us get grounded. We had a long year, month, and week leading up to this trip with tons of changes and long, tired days. Kimmy just finished up her school year on Friday, so we headed to the airport right after that. I was stressed about having just finished the end of my grad school term and probably not earning a letter grade that reflects the depth of what I actually took away from the class knowledge-wise. We just really needed to get away, and so we did!

I've found that the best trick to traveling with my daughter is not planning everything out. Of course, I made our lodging reservation and made sure all our transportation was planned out. But other than that, I only had 2 things planned going into this trip: a day at the zoo on day one and tickets to see Aladdin the musical on day two. That left us with a wide open schedule to be sure to have plenty of time to enjoy each other, instead of having all our time blocked off to do activity after activity for the sake of having a full itinerary. This also left room for Kimmy to make choices and feel like she had a say in what we were doing, not just be forced to do whatever I had planned for us. It really helped us be a team!

Also, we were mega broke this trip. But you know what? We had an absolute blast! Did we come home with a suitcase full of souvenirs? Nope. I actually can't think of a single souvenir we bought, unless you count the $1 balloon art flower we got on a street corner or our big bags of Garrett's popcorn. But we took lots of pictures and made a whole lot of memories! A tour guide during a trip to Europe in college once said, "Take pictures with your eyes and with your heart--those will be your best memories," and it's so true. I mean, I took pictures with my phone, too, but they just serve to reinforce all the things I saw and experienced. I don't look back and think, "Oh, I really love this one thing I bought in Europe." Instead, I think, "That Nuremberg Easter market was one of the neatest experiences of my life," "or that sunset view of Paris from the steps of Sacre-Coeur Basilica changed my life completely" or "the way my sisters in Cambodia hugged me still makes me feel warm inside." I value experiences so much more deeply than things, and I think Kimmy would tell you the same. She didn't even ask for anything in Chicago, except to show me some things she liked in the Disney Store that she would love it if she got for her birthday in August. She asked for a boat ride and a fresh-squeezed lemonade and to go splash in the water fountains in Millennium Park.

We walked about 28 miles over the long weekend, and little miss didn't complain a single time about being tired or hot. Not one time. How strong and grown up is she?! I was so proud! We ate free hostel breakfast and peanut butter sandwiches and hot dogs and cotton candy and ice cream and only one sit-down restaurant meal (deep dish pizza). We painted our nails and watched cartoons. We window shopped and played in the parks and got free Minions tattoos. We chased geese, had a picnic, rode a boat taxi, and walked down along the river and all along the Lakefront Trail. We gawked at the enormity of Buckingham Fountain--twice. We met friends at the zoo and made new friends at the Old Navy coloring table and at Millennium Park. We saw an amazing musical and had vending machine snacks for dinner afterwards because it was a Sunday, and I forgot everything would close early (oops). We went in shops just to ride the escalators. We got caught in a summer downpour and got so soaked we had to go in Walgreens to buy paper towels and dry ourselves off. We went to a museum we could get into for free with our WonderLab membership here. We talked and danced and soaked it all in. We even made up our own vacation theme song! It was an amazing trip.

So, anyway, my point is this...

ALL PARENTS EVERYWHERE (especially my fellow beautiful and amazing superhero single mommas who might lack the confidence to take the plunge or who might deal with an overabundance of unsolicited advice to the contrary from people who don't have a clue what it's like to walk in our shoes): GRAB YOUR KID(S) AND GO. Go anywhere. For a few days, for a week, overnight, doesn't matter. Pick a place and get in your car, on a plane, train, or boat. Just go. Go an hour away and stay in a hotel and watch TV, order pizza, and swim in the hotel pool. Get in the car and drive until you get to somewhere that seems like a good destination. Go a few towns over and spend the day there. Eat McDonald's or sandwiches or granola bars and apples for every meal if that's all you can afford. Stay on a friend's couch or an Airbnb or hostel. Go camping and sleep in a tent. Sleep in a rest area in your car for all I care--just go! Whatever you're scared of is minuscule in comparison to the lessons and memories you can find when you travel.

Lastly: if your fear is a person whispering in your ear that it's unsafe and foolish to travel with your child(ren), don't listen to them. Listen to you. Use your head and your street smarts. You know how to keep your kid safe. You know how your kid will react to any number of situations, which will help you choose where to take them. You know what you're capable of--and even if you don't, go somewhere anyway because you'll certainly find out. You'll never thrive under the dark cloud of pessimistic and paranoid advice. Go chase your sunshine!

More later.
-Kels

Things I wish I had known (part 3 of more to come eventually)

I wish I had known that that piece of advice older females give younger females is so true: "Your confidence is the most important thing you'll ever have. When you're sure of yourself, it shows. That's when people will start to see you for your real worth. People are magnetized by a woman's confidence."

Like, it's really actually true. Y'all know I hate me some advice. But this is one piece of advice I can get on board with. I've been really true to me and confident in my decisions these past few years.

Annnnd....I've been dating.

There, I said it.

I've been dating. I have put myself out into the world. Was this a smart decision? TBD. The dating pool and the dating game are entirely different than when I was last dating (circa 2008). I mean, vastly different. The whole online component and all.

Also, I don't really think I want a relationship, so I'm not sure what the end goal is here. But, it's been really cool to be open to talking to different types of guys and testing the waters and just getting to know some dudes. I've met some really cool people! (And some duds, but that's par for the course, I suppose.) And I've met some guys non-confident me would've thought she didn't have a chance with, but that's not really the case. So, I'm enjoying myself.

It feels good to know who I am and what I'm about. When a guy and I differ on something--an opinion, a preference, a value--I don't get all bent out of shape and wonder if I can measure up. I'm sitting there feeling good about myself and wondering if he can measure up to what I want/need. Confidence makes all the difference.

Worst case scenario: I make some good local friends.
Best case scenario: I'm not really sure.

But, whatever. Girls: be you. Don't be a social chameleon. Just be you.

-Kels

New year, same me

2016 was the best year yet in many ways. It's the first year of my adult life that I spent my time being wholly and completely me--knowing who I am and what I'm about without question.

I squeezed in a huge amount of traveling for a woman on a tight budget: DC, Northern Indiana Amish country, Asheville, Gatlinburg, Chicago. I had a blast with my daughter at every turn. I talked to lots of boyz and got a fresh feel for what I like/want. I hiked and camped. I cooked. I soaked in tons of new music. I saw a couple bands live. I tried new things.

The only setback I had was my huge car accident in June when Kimmy and I both could have died if one single thing had been different. But I'm so glad it's behind us, and my hands are clean. I recently found out my car insurance company is suing the dude who hit us. Karma and all.

But, anywho.

Life is rrrrreal good.

--

2017 is off to an excellent start.

We're not even one week in, and already I've heard live music, hiked, been to a whole lot of new places, had lots of family time, and done a few adventurous and fun things for me that have comforted my psyche.

I've never been big on new year's resolutions. I feel like if I'm going to make a goal, I need to want to do it enough to make it my focus anytime of year, not just at the start of a new year. Plus, I generally don't feel very refreshed and reset at a new year, given that it's in the dead of winter and all. (I hate winter.)

So, this isn't really a resolution, but a declaration: I'm gonna keep on being me this year. It's working for me.

Peace,
-Kels

People

Have you ever uttered the phrase, "I hate people"? I have. And it's actually not true. Yes, I hate certain traits and tendencies that certain people have.

But I love people.

I love them. I want to base my whole career on people (human resources). I love how people are all different. I love how people make me laugh. I love how everyone brings something unique to the table. I love how people all have their own lens through which they see the world. I love how I have something to learn from every person on this earth.

Lately I'm obsessed with people who make me feel alive...people who set my spirit alight and make me see, think, and feel things I wouldn't all on my own.

Last night I got a text from someone I love hearing from, but someone whose work schedule and unique job keeps him off the grid for weeks at a time. This is someone I went to college with and worked with and was friends with, but was not super close with because we were pretty different. Over the past 5 years, we've each been on our own journeys of self-discovery and growing up, and our paths have somehow crossed again, this time with much more in common and a really cool blossoming friendship.

This is someone who gives me that alive feeling. (Yes, he's male; no, the point of this is not about a crush. This is about a person-to-person connection with someone who has a fervor for life. Lots of people make me feel alive like this, male or female, crush or no crush.) When this side of my mind/heart are ignited by a person, I find myself wanting to discuss every subject under the sun, travel more, listen to all the music ever made, write until my hand cramps and tempts me to switch hands, and never stop trying/learning new things.

There's a lot to be said for being passionate in this life. I think Roald Dahl worded it best:

Give me fiery white hot over lukewarm any day. People who can get on that level with me are my favorite people in all the land. People who aren't afraid to live, to do, to feel. I want as many passionate people in my circle as I can get.

Full steam ahead!

-Kels

The great outdoors

Being wanderlust and all, I fantasize about being outside and on the go constantly. I spend 40 hours/week strapped to a desk, and though I love (adore, actually) my job and the people I work with, I still find myself dreaming of being out in the world as much as possible. It fuels me. I work to travel. Travel fuels my motivation at work. As soon as I get back from one adventure, I brainstorm my next. It's a cycle that I hope I never outgrow.

My entire childhood, we camped and hiked and played in creeks and roughed it in the great outdoors. Those were our vacations. (We even camped at Disney World!) It was overkill for me because I felt like I didn't have a say in those decisions--I was outdoorsy by birth and not by my own choice. I compensated by shunning the outdoors for many years of my young adult life and even tried to convince myself that I was a city girl.

These past few years that I've spent in deep introspection, though? I had an epiphany and found a gaping hole in my life: outside, fresh air, mountains, patches of earth few humans have ever trod, nature sounds, endless skies of stars and clouds. I would rather be away and separate from than included in any day of the week, any week of the year. I'm a mountain momma through and through. It's in my blood, deep down in the very cells of my being.

There is just something so thrilling and cathartic about conquering a trail, a mountain. For me, it's like I'm climbing over all the gunk in my brain to a place of serene mental clarity. Like when I'm so small--this teeny tiny cog in the great wheel of the planet--that I somehow become immense in power and assuredness. Flashy and grandiose? Nah, keep it. I am a speck out there in nature, but I am sure and steady and totally content.

The blisters, the screaming muscle groups, the sweat, the cool/sharp/humid/dry/hot air hitting my lungs, the soreness, the dull drone of too much uphill/downhill trekking all at once, the fact that I'm fairly certain I'm going to lose my left big toenail--none of it matters because what I'm chasing on that trail is so intrinsically worthwhile that it supercedes all the setbacks.

This summer I hiked to Rainbow Falls in Great Smoky Mountains National Park. It's a relatively simple hike, though physically taxing. 2.7 miles up a mountain; 2.7 miles back down--about 3.5 hours in all. I hiked it all by myself at a time when I was desperate for some time to soul-search. My daughter was visiting her family in Pennsylvania, and I was all alone with a mess of thoughts to contend with and make sense of. I spent a handful of hours on the trail, but I took home heaping buckets of insight into myself, my life, where I want to go, what I want to see, the person I want to be. I stopped to take a swig of water from my Nalgene at one of several creek crossings, and I was so overwhelmed by my clarity against the sounds of birds in the trees, rustling leaves, and the trickling creek that I burst into tears. It's a feeling I can't even begin to describe. It may even sound stupid to anyone reading this, but I don't even care. It was so meaningful to me that I've thought of this hike--this exact moment--every time I've felt down in the dumps since then.

4 days ago, my dad and I hiked Rainbow Falls all the way up to the top of the mountain (Mt. LeConte), where we saw the sights from LeConte Lodge. Though it had only been 3 months since I was last on the trail, I felt like I was an entirely new person. The same path that was covered in fallen pinky-white rhododendron blooms just months before was now coated in a vibrant splay of purple, crimson, green, orange, and golden autumn leaves. The same change that I could feel within myself was literally visible on the ground beneath me...a blossoming to a prounounced deepening and maturation. It's amazing to me how nature mirrors the phases of our lives.

On this hike, I knew I would be tested. I recently made a vow to myself to always hike with the Ten Essentials, even on day hikes, so I had a pack of at least 10 lbs on the way up and 15 on the way down (I had some t-shirts and snacks we purchased at the top and newly refilled water bottle/bladder). I knew we would have at least a 13-mile day. I knew it would be unrelentingly uphill to the summit and just as steadily downhill on our return. I knew we would have a very full day and would be physically and mentally tired. Despite knowing what I was in for, there were still surprises and adrenaline rushes. That's something else deeply beautiful about being outdoors: you can be as prepared as all get out, and nature will still have unexpected fortunes in store for you.

All that being said, I reached my actual physical limit on this hike. I think better-quality boots would make a slight difference for me, but I can confidently say that for now, 16.5 miles is my limit. I think that's a pretty cool thing to know about myself. Maybe the AT is in my future as a section hike series, and I'll gladly accept that challenge if/when the time comes. But for now, I'll keep seeking out these day-hike mini adventures; they are enough.

Adventuring outside is no longer an option for me, but an absolute necessity to my being. Life, time, thought, perception, emotion, and expectation all take on completely different meaning when you're in an environment over which you have no control. And all the creature comforts like hot coffee, ice cold beer, cars, steamy showers, lotion, deodorant, mascara, warm socks, and dry clothes all take on different comfort when you return to them from the great unknown. This will never not be worth it.

Until next time, Mother Nature.

Peace,
-Kels

Why is her hair always a mess?

My little baby Kimmy is about to turn 4, and I've been having a really hard time coping. I've been stewing on this blog for a month or so, watching each day come and go, whirling us unrelentingly forward to her birthday, to preschool, to ballet lessons, to her very last year of being a toddler.

I've finally decided that I just don't have the words to describe how much I love her, how proud I am of her, and how thankful I am to have her in my life, so I'm not even going to try to do it justice. A poem (the title of which was fueled by a hateful comment) [to spite the negativity in our lives] and some pictures will have to do!


Why is her hair always a mess?

She is wild like the sun's rays as they dart through the trees,

like the West Virginia blood that has trickled down to her.

She goes where her heart leads,

following each tug with a brave grin.

She plays and laughs and runs, and each curly
ringlet rises up to meet the next big adventure.

She is born from the deepest need for

healing to a mother who wanted her so.

She is her great-grandmother's great-granddaughter,

fiercely strong and aware of the gentlest among us.

She is her nana's heart, joyful and 

compassionate, unwavering in her beliefs.

She is her mommy's best friend, a soft

landing when our days are full of turmoil.

She is a kind smile and a sweet thought

whenever someone hurts.

She is her namesake through and through.

She is the sun, the rain, the moon, and the stars all in one.

Why tiptoe when we can leap and dance?

Why tame a wild thing when there is laughter to be had?

Why hold back when there is a trail to be blazed?

You can always wear your hair down around me, sweet girl. 

Messy or not, we know what our insides are all about.

3 generations and 1 in the womb

The day I left to check into the hospital to have my girl 

The picture that will forever make me feel the most beautiful

My sweet angel girl, 9 days old

6 months

Kimmy's 1st birthday!

Kimmy's 2nd birthday!

Kimmy's 3rd birthday--at Disney World!

Kimmy's 1st haircut on her birthday at WDW!

June 2016, camping with her momma

June 2016, West Beach of Lake Michigan at Indiana Dunes National Park

June 2016, evening playtime with her momma

And now we're 2 days away from age 4. To say I'm in shock would be an understatement.

But, to say I'm excited for all that the future holds for my beautiful Kimmy and me would be an even bigger understatement. I absolutely cannot wait for all that is to come.

I love you, Kimberly Jarae Strickland!

8/7/12 was the start of the best phase of my life, all thanks to YOU!

Love,

Mommy

Music, inspiration, wandering

I love music so much. I would have already died a thousand times over without music in my life.

I hope to never stop searching for inspiration and wonder everywhere I go. I hope my eyes stay forever wild and never glaze over.

Give me a wanderer whose heart will stay.

Beautifully flawed. Inherently happy.

Unafraid of the free fall.

[Just some thoughts.]

-Kels

Things I wish I had known (part 2 of more to come eventually)

I wish I had known years ago how to recognize my own unhappiness, and when I did recognize it, I wish I had taken myself seriously and not been so afraid to change the things that caused it.

I spent years in a loveless, lifeless relationship, feeling underappreciated, unloved, unheard, unliked, and utterly alone. Sure, it started out great. Why else would I have stayed, right? But it morphed into something I hated, but blindly tolerated because it was one of the only "stable" things in my life at that point in time.

Most of 2013 consisted of me being unemployed and caring for an infant alone. I never slept, or I always slept--you could take your pick on any given day. My daughter was the only thing that made me truly happy. I watched a lot of TV. I sat through many "you may have depression if..." commercials that listed off symptom after symptom, most of which I had, but swiftly swept under the nearest rug.

Do you know how scary it is to lose your passion for basically every single thing you ever loved to do? Because I do. It leaves you in a constant state of questioning: Who am I, really? How did I become so uninteresting? Why don't I like doing things anymore? What am I going to do with this endless stretch of time in front of me? Why can't I feel anything? Nothing feels right, and nothing feels real. I'd rather feel everything than feel nothing. They're two completely different states of "raw," but I'd much rather be the bleeding kind of raw than the cauterized kind of raw.

If I had known how happy and free my life could become, I would have struck out on my own much sooner than I did.

Now, let's flip.

Do you know how amazing it is to re-discover old passions and completely new and different ones? It's mindblowingly awesome!

I love to cook. I love traveling. Music--I love music again! I joke. I talk on the phone. I laugh my ass off! I love to run (even if I'm terrible at it and really should call it jogging with some walking mixed in). I love nature: hiking, all types of birds and trees, thunderstorms, lightning bugs, twinkling stars, sitting by a campfire and just listening to everything out in the dark. I love to be by myself and just think. I love to be in a room full of people and observe their every move--it's stunning to watch people's eyes as they think and comprehend what's around them or what they're going through. I love trying new beer. I love gardening, even if I have no clue what I'm doing. I love, love, love art. I love to paint...watercolor or acrylic, canvas or paper. I'm even starting to sing again.

Healing is a pretty cool phenomenon.

I hope to never get stuck in unhappiness again and miss the beauty that's all around me. It's a good, good life.

Peace,
Kels

Just be free

I have some questions.

Where in our culture did we become so backward and messed up that we are all conditioned to rely on others for our happiness, for our validation, for our self-worth?

Why are we not instead conditioned from childhood to be freely and fully ourselves and to only settle in with someone when he/she makes us feel wholey and completely okay being our true selves?

What is the actual purpose of comprimising who you innately are just to please another human being?

Why is one-on-one companionship the ultimate goal of society as a whole; is it not better to have a firm sense of self and a handful of the best friends you could ever hope to have?

What if fixing yourself first is the key to being companion-able in the first place?

What if you're single fo' life--are you happy with who you are as a person right here and now? Can you actually function on your own? Because you might be all you've got.

--

The older I get, the more comfortable I feel in my own skin. There is no feeling like it.

I go to bed happy at night. I wake up happy in the morning. I wear the most comfortable clothes ever that make me feel so utterly good inside and out. "Good morning, self. Don't feel like wearing make-up today? Great! I think I won't!"

I listen to the music I want. I cook meals I want and try foods I want to try. I laugh when something strikes me funny. I spend time reading about things I'm interested in. I spend time talking to family and friends. If I have a travel destination on the brain, I find a way to make it happen.

Am I self-centered? No way. I care about others so much, but, historically, it's been at the expense of me. Since I've started making sure my own person is cared for, I have felt so truly free. Free from others' opinions and advice. Free from societal pressures. Free from fear.

Because who cares what type of boundaries other people have for my life? I literally do not care. I lie my head down on my pillow at night bound to my own voice of conscience inside my head, not anyone else's. I am my own stakeholder: the sole proprietor of my headspace.

And I would never want to be with someone who is not exactly as happy being himself as I am being myself. While I'm over here living my life to the fullest, I know the things I'm doing are the things that will shape me that I can share with someone someday if the universe sees fit.

Que sera, sera.

More later,

Kels

In-depth coverage: a year in review

Really deep in my head today. Trudging through the memories of the most pivotal and amazing year of my life so far. I feel so well-equipped for absolutely anything that may fall in my path from here forward. I've spent time in the trenches and pulled myself out each and every time with the help of God, friends, and family. But you know what? A lot with the help of just me. I'm finally giving myself the credit I'm due. I'm liberated. I'm free. I'm empowered. I'm owning my flaws and barreling through every obstacle. I know the definition of true grit inside and out. I'm resilient. I'm strong. Nothing beats this feeling.

Highlights
January - New chapter, new house, the voyage of Kimmy and me.

May - A glimpse of the way I want my life to be in the future (in retirement or whenever that chapter may come). Spent time on a mission in Cambodia being a voice for some amazing and powerful girls whose voices were stripped from them. Learned the meaning of being the hands and feet. Loved others before loving myself. Truly the most amazing experience of my entire life thus far. I would go back in a heartbeat, and I will go back at the soonest opportunity without hesitation.

July - Accepted to grad school. With my team, won the case competition against 18 other teams in our tournament and one of 2 team winners among all 36 teams. Really humbling experience to be around so many professionals, yet to realize that I've genuinely got what it takes to hold my own.

August - First real vacation with my daughter. We did Disney. We had a blast. We didn't spend every penny we have. We made memories. I single-handedly traveled on a very huge trip, air travel and all, with a toddler, and we made it back happily and safely. One of my proudest accomplishments ever, no joke.

September - Started the realest juggling act of my adult life: single mothering full-time, work full-time, school full-time, 2 side jobs, and so much more--and I made it work. I somehow kept the plates spinning. What a grueling, satisfying challenge!

November - Turned 27 and reached a huge epiphany: I don't have to be defined by society's standards of a 27-year-old woman. I can let the pressure go. I can release myself. I don't need to be married, barefoot, and pregnant. I don't need anything at the current juncture. I define myself. There's no race to be won. There's no race at all! I can decide everything for myself. I need no advice or outside opinions. Everything I have is within me and before me. This month changed my entire outlook on life and freed my heart. (More on this in another post later.)

December - Took a solo daycation to Chicago (a lifelong dream destination, both for food and for art) and truly had one of the very best days of my whole life. Time waits for no man. Kelsey waits for no man. Kelsey doesn't need a man. As long as I have myself, my adventurous spirit can never steer me wrong. Scared to go somewhere new all alone? WHY??! What on earth are you waiting for?! GO!!!!!!!!!!! You will never regret it ever! Live YOUR life on YOUR terms! This month is still in progress, obviously, but I can't help but mention that I've also taken up a recent [surprising] interest in physical fitness and am killin' my goals. I'm also all set for the greatest Christmas ever with my darling daughter. I cannot wait for all that's ahead of us.

But as much as this is a year in review, it is also a life in review. A life well lived. It's a hard life. It's a stressful life. But it's a beautiful one. There is beauty in every moment, every breath, every breeze. It's everywhere if you just open your eyes, open your heart, open your mind, open your arms, and let life in. If there is no wind, row. Make your own way and allow yourself to enjoy it.

I'm in love with life. I'm in love with living! I am tied to no one and no thing. Only the passing of the hours and all that each solitary moment holds. The very idea of soaking up everything here is exhilarating, and I can't get enough of this world. All the people in it. All the places to be explored. I yearn to touch it all.

I'm happy. Happier than I've ever been in my adult life. How did I even get here? (Through a whole lot of bad.) Was it pretty? (No.) Was it messy? (Undeniably so.) The path was long and hard and incredibly daunting and imperfect, but I have arrived. I have felt every emotion in the book this year without exception. Every valley and high, I have experienced. Dark, depressing weekends when my daughter was away, and I spent 48 hours lying in my bed simply existing with the deafening, noisy thoughts inside my head until I could go pick her up and fall back into our normal pace. The last evening in Cambodia with my soul sisters, such beautiful daughters of Christ, when half of us were sobbing, half were smiling, we all were praying and singing to Jesus--when the evening sky turned the most vibrant bright pink, and I could have sworn we saw the face of God right there on that slab of cement. Direct juxtapositions of huge, heavy emotions and off-the-wall experiences that make absolutely no sense side by side. But this is my life. It's the only one I've got. How can I not love every moment with every fiber of my being?

One burning questions laps at the edges of my mind at all times, but I now have the answer. Am I enough? Of course I am enough. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent (Eleanor Roosevelt). God has blessed me with this incredible life, and I am enough. I am a mother, daughter, sister, friend, adventurer, jokester, writer, art lover, traveler, foodie, dreamer, weirdo, idealist, wit master, and more. And I am enough for all of the people who meet me in those roles. Beyond that, I don't care what anyone thinks because I love me. I am happy with the way I am. I know myself. I love myself. I'm living a genuine and authentic life, totally true to myself, and there's no way I'd rather be.

-Kels

Birthday freebies

With my birthday 5 days away, I figured I'd lighten things up a bit with a fun post! This one's all about birthday freebies.

If you know me, you know I love a deal, and a deal is even better if it's free. I strongly dislike junk email, but at the same time, it's a small price to pay for some pretty cool freebies come birthday time! Also, sometimes when you sign up for an email list, you get a free item or really good coupon just for signing up + a birthday freebie.

Check out my list of fave freebies below and feel free to chime in on the comments with some of yours that I may have missed!

Arby's: Free small milkshake

Auntie Anne's: free pretzel (you have to download the app)

Aver's Pizza (Bloomington, IN): Free lunch or dinner buffet

Baskin Robbins: 1 free scoop of ice cream

Buffalo Wild Wings: Free snack size wings (dine in only)

Chili's: 80 rewards points, which can be used for a free appetizer or dessert (dine in only)

Classic Lanes Bowling (Bloomington, IN): $5 credit (must be used on your birthday)

CVS Pharmacy: $5 ExtraBucks Rewards (store credit)

Dairy Queen: BOGO free Blizzard coupon

Denny's: free grand slam (must be used on your birthday)

DSW: $5 off coupon

Fogo de Chao Brazilian Steakhouse: $25 off lunch or dinner (This one's KILLER! Lunch IS $25, and Dinner is like $50. HUGE savings, especially since my Kimmy is 3 and will eat free.)

G.H. Bass & Company: 20% off shopping pass

Godiva: $10 e-gift card for use in store or online (You better believe I got me some free chocolate!)

Golden Corral: Free adult buffet with purchase of an adult buffet

Great American Cookies: Free cookie cake slice with the purchase of a regular soda

HuHot Mongolian Grill: BOGO free adult entrees

MaggieMoo's: free small cup or cone with unlimited mix-ins

Mastercuts: $3 off a haircut (which I seriously need to take advantage of!)

McAlister's Deli: $5 off a meal

Moe's Southwest Grill: free entree with purchase of a drink (burrito, bowl, taco, quesadilla, etc. One item = an entree, whether a big burrito or a smaller taco)

Noodles & Company: Free regular size bowl of noodles up to $9 (that's enough to add in a protein fo' free, too!)

Olive Garden: Free dessert of your choice (dine in only)

Panera Bread: Free bakery pastry

Payless Shoes: 25% off shopping pass (no excluded items)

Pizza X: Free 4-pack of chocolate chip cookies (No other purchase required as long as you pick up)

Potbelly Sandwich: Free cookie

Red Lobster: $5 off 2 adult entrees (dine in only + not a super great coupon)

Scotty's Brewhouse (Bloomington, IN): $10 credit (dine in only)

Sephora: free birthday sample make-up pack (no purchase required if picked up in store, but "free with purchase" if ordered online)

Shoe Carnival: $5 off $29.98 purchase coupon

Starbucks: free drink or food item (can be used on any one menu item; go for the biggest, most caffeinated thing you desire!)

Steak 'n' Shake: Free double steakburger and small fries

Sushi Bar (Bloomington, IN): free meal on your birthday when you have a 5+ person table

Texas Roadhouse: free appetizer-size order of ribs or regular appetizer with purchase of an adult entree.

TGI Friday's: free dessert with entree purchase

Tidewater Grill (Charleston, WV): discounted adult meal on your birthday (if dining with 1 other person, 50% off; if dining with 2 other people, 33% off, etc.)

WhichWich: Free 7" sandwich 

Okay, that's all I've got for now. There may be more to come before or after my actual birthday! Oh, and if you're wondering, no, I won't be using all of these...but most of them, yes. Enjoy!

-Kels

P.S. If you do any online shopping this holiday season, you had better be using ebates! I even got cash back from my $1.50 overage after applying my Godiva coupon online. Woot woot!

Single momma crash course: how to do Disney for 2 for $1,500

It's no surprise that my 20-something self is broke as a joke more often than not. I'm still in that awkward financial phase where I'm finding my footing and paying off debt like crazy to be free from the stress.

I've also got a severe case of wanderlust. More so than any other person I know, I'd venture to say. Couple that with the forced routinization of raising a toddler, and I'm absolutely desperate to travel and explore at all times with little need for justification or external motivation.

So, imagine my surprise when I received an email from Frontier Airlines nearly a month ago advertising $29 flights to/from many major US destinations. YES, PLEASE!

I tried to talk myself out of it. I tried to refrain from digging deeper and doing that research. I just couldn't stop myself, though. Nope. Couldn't do it.

I booked that IND --> ATL flight for my daughter and me for $166 (taxes and fees included), and I haven't looked back since. One heavenly week in August on the books, and we're Georgia/Florida bound. Let the vacation planning commence!

Mmk. So I've been dying to go to Disney World since I had my precious daughter. As she grew, so did her love for Disney movies and Disney characters and all things Disney. And, I mean, I haven't been to Disney in 10 years now, so I thought, "Why not?" But, wait. Atlanta is not Orlando, right? Right. After running through all my options and trying to optimize on having the ultimate flexibility on this trip, I opted for getting a rental car to travel from ATL to Orlando. I actually discovered that it was cheaper to rent a car for the entire week than to rent it 2 separate times to travel from the Atlanta airport at the beginning of our trip and again to Atlanta at the end. This immediately opened up a world of possibilities for maximizing our fun!

Let's talk budget. I'm determined to do this trip and clock in around $1,500. I may sound crazy, but I think it can be done.

One little tidbit before I delve into numbers: I'm working on repairing my credit--an ongoing goal. I'm doing well, so I keep getting these pre-approved credit card offers in the mail. I did a lot of research, especially where creditkarma.com consumer reviews are concerned, and I decided to sign up for a credit card that offers a pretty generous 9-month introductory 0% APR period. This will allow me to "pay" for and plan most of my trip in advance and pay it off on a rigorous schedule after we return to still come in under the cut-off for the no-interest period. I'll be drastically improving my credit by making these monthly payments on time, I'm going to be careful and closely monitor my balance, and I'm going to have the peace of mind needed to enjoy my daughter's birthday at Disney and not blow the bank. This was a really good decision for me! I feel confident with this little cusion under me.

1. Airfare was step 1. Easy peasy.

Total cost (including tax, fees, and baggage): $166

2. Like I said, we'll be traveling for my daughter's 3rd birthday. ("But she might not remember your trip! Don't do it! She's much too young!" Don't care. Your advice is not solicited or welcome. She will have an amazing time while we're there, and so will I. Also, we will have amazing pictures to look back on, and we'll cherish them always. Oh, and did I mention we're saving about $300 by taking advantage of doing Disney at her current age?) Our first Disney day is August 6, and Kimmy turns 3 on August 7. It's no secret that for Disney World guests under the age of 3, their visit is on Mickey Mouse. Fuh-ree! I talked to a Cast Member through Disney's online chat and confirmed in writing that since she'll be starting her visit at age 2, she's going to be free for her whole trip. Boom! Park-hopping would be overwhelming with a toddler, so not having to spring for that option on my ticket offers even more savings. I purchased my 5-day Disney base ticket from Undercover Tourist and saved about $13 off the Walt Disney World website's cost. They're an authorized vendor, so I'm good to go without worrying that my ticket is a gimmick. In fact, I've already successfully linked it to My Disney Experience account!

Total cost (including tax and fees): $321.95
Running total: $487.95

3. I booked our rental car not long after purchasing my Disney ticket. I used ebates to get my cash back, and I went with the always-reliable, always-economical Enterprise. 7-day rental: check!

Total cost (including tax, fees, and a toddler car seat): $373.41
Running total: $861.36

4. With the flexibility of having a rental car in mind and the ability to drive beyond the realm of Orlando with ease, I reached out to an awesome friend in Tampa, who agreed to host us for 3 of our 6 nights of travel. (Side note: never cut ties with people who were once great people in your life, even many years ago. This summer camp friend and fellow arts lover has popped up with an amazing act of generosity at a really cool point in our adult lives, and I'm so excited to see her again! Bonus awesome thing: her name is also Kelsey. Very cool.) Next, I scoured the web for hotel deals for our remaining 3 nights and came across a golden nugget of information: Caribe Royale, a very fancy-looking Orlando conference hotel, has a deal where with proof of identity/birth date, any guest in your party with a birthday during your stay earns you a FREE night. That's 3 nights for the price of 2 for Kimmy and me. Plus, parking is free, the hotel will be sending a birthday cake up to our room on her birthday, and we'll get 20% off all food/beverage within the hotel during our stay. All I have to do is bring along a copy of her birth certificate. It's a really well-reviewed hotel, and unlike many Orlando hotels, they don't throw in a hidden nightly resort fee. I priced our our stay and compared to some other hotels I had been considering, and we're coming in about $100 under the total for what 3 nights at a Best Western in the same zip code would have been.

Total cost (including taxes and fees): $290.25
Running total: $1,151.61

That covers all our big expenses and leaves me with about $350 in flexible spending.

Here's a rundown of what I'm budgeting out for the rest of our trip expenses:
Additional trip necessities/grocery items (a leash/harness style backpack for my Kimmy, Magicbands, a cheapo umbrella stroller from an Orlando Walmart, and enough grocery items for cereal breakfasts and packed sandwich lunches in the parks): $80. 
Georgia visit to Lane's Orchard en route to Florida: Let's face it: I need some Georgia peaches in my life. Pronto. Roadtripping 6 hours from Atlanta, through the land of heavenly peaches, and down to Tampa/Orlando presents a perfect solution to this problem. A friend recommended an orchard/cafe/store (comparable to the Apple Barn in Pigeon Forge, TN) that's just off I-75 on our route to Florida, and we're going to stop to buy enough peaches for our whole week and have dinner there that night, as well. $50.
Disney character breakfast: I wanted one really special meal for Kimmy on her birthday, so I booked a character breakfast at Chef Mickey's. With tip, I'm estimating we'll dine for $40.
Dinners: I'm looking into a lot of "kids eat free" fast-casual restaurants (Sweet Tomatoes, Steak 'n' Shake, etc.), and I estimate $16/dinner spent on the two of us. 16 times 5 will put us at $80.
Souvenirs/in-park snacks: I'm doing my research and pre-selecting most of our souvenirs. That way I have good estimates of what I'll be buying for Kimmy and me, I'll know my price point if I need to swap anything, I'll know how much money I should aim to save, and I'll know how much flexible spending I have in the midst of my overall trip budget. Since it'll be Kimmy's birthday, I'm just going to route our souvenir budget to gifts for her, especially since I don't need anything (you've seen one souvenir; you've seen them all):

• Definitely doing the pack-your-own-box of Disney-speficic Mr. Potato Head parts for $20.
• Pick-a-pearl at Japan in Epcot: $15.
• A light-up thingamajigger at the Magic Kingdom fireworks show: $25.
• Minnie Mouse ears w/embroidery: $15.
• In-park snacks (let's just call this our Dole Whip and ice cream budget @ 1 to share per day): $24.

Total of all extra expenses: $349
Running total: $1,500!

Side note: I participate in online surveys for a little extra side cash. I'm planning on cashing in for enough Visa gift cards to totally cover our "additional trip necessities" category and any in-park ice creamy snacks we purchase.

Other side note: This trip will include all kinds of free activities, too, like collecting seashells at Clearwater Beach one evening when we go to meet up with some of my friends from college and playing with Legos in Downtown Disney. There are plenty of memories to be made without spending extra cash!

Final side note: Hopefully my wonderful parents will agree to cover the cost of our 3 tanks of gas needed for our fuel-efficient "Toyota Corolla or similar" for the roadtripping portion of our vacay. It is their only grandchild's only 3rd birthday celebration, after all. (Love you, Mom and Dad!)

And there you have it. How these 2 are gonna do Disney for $1,500.

What do you think, fellow Disney lovers? Am I right on the money, or am I totally clueless? What's your #1 tip for this single momma's first Dynamic Duo Does Disney vacation with her little lady?

More later.
-Kels

It is well with my soul

Life is good. Life is really, really good.

In our hard times, it's difficult to see the light through the darkness. Money troubles. Relationship troubles. Dichotomy between where you thought you would be and where you actually are. Chaos where you always thought there would be order.

I can't tell you how many times over the last few years I've thought or said, "If only I had $___." If only I could pay this off. If only I felt unburdened by X, Y, and Z. If only I didn't have to worry about such and such.

I have prayed over my finances for about 2 years now. I've cried and agonized and gritted my teeth and worried myself sick...physically sick, to the point I could have been a poster girl for Zantac 150. I've budgeted and skimped and saved and done without, but I've prayed and prayed through all my strife. I had gotten to the point where I didn't even bother uttering words for my financial prayers; I just spoke with my heart because God knows my heart.

"If only I had $____."

Well, guess what? I just got $____ through my tax refund. Prayer answered. And what did it take? Several years of terrible financial troubles, bringing an unplanned [but never unwanted] child into the world, unemployment, not enough employment to do anything but strike evven, barely scraping by, unthinkable betrayal and the end of a long friendship/relationship. Terrible things...that led to head of household tax status...single parent status...a literal answer to my financial prayers, and an open door and unburdened soul for much, much bigger and better things to come. My tax refund was basically the exact amount I have prayed for for years: that token accumulation of funds that would relieve my financial stress. I'm not kidding.

The path is crystal clear in retrospect: just what God ordered for my life. His perfect timing; his perfect method. Would any person ever put themselves through all that and know that this would be the perfect outcome? Umm, no. That's unthinkable! In the midst of enduring it all, this outcome was not even on my plane of vision, and I think the enemy thrives on that negative energy--the idea we 21st Centurians walk around with that our lives are defined by our wealth (or lack thereof), possessions (ditto), relationships, how many movies and TV shows we can quote, the number of friends and followers on our social media, and just all this stuff that doesn't even matter at all!

I'm happy to say that my life--my success--is defined by Christ alone.

Is it coincidental that all of my challenges over the last 3 years led me to exactly where I am today? Is it serendipity that my life suddenly just really turned around and became this really great thing that I am so sincerely excited about living every single day?

Absolutely not. Want to know when a change stirred within me? When I "let go and let God." It sounds corny. (It probably sounds ridiculous to the non-believer.) It is positively true of my life, though. A friend happened to lead me to a church on Easter Sunday last year, and I was finally so spirtually nourished that I had no choice but to let my troubles fall to the wayside and give over all that pain and frustration and chaos to God.

I have never lived so lean in all my life: this house's budget is tight. But I have never felt more full in all my life. I don't dread waking up in the morning. I have friends. I have purpose and a place. I have amazing coworkers and the best benefits package from my employer imaginable. My sweet daughter brightens my every moment. I have passion for my hobbies again. I have goals for my future. I have confidence. I am loved. I have love in my heart. I have love to give. I have clothes on my back and hot water in my pipes and coffee in my cupboard and music on my computer and in my head and coming out of my mouth. I'm funny. I'm happy. I'm unashamed of being me. Life is really, really good, and the best part is that I'm not pretending. Being here and feeling this way and having absolute assurance in my faith and my eternal future is worth every single bump in the road in my rearview mirror.

I'm pretty sure I could give examples of all the "God things" in my life over the last half a year, ever since I really got serious about attending church and growing my roots, and make jaws hit the floor. I'm not talking about supernatural occurrences here, just other things--like the money thing--that keep happening. I'm talking about his plans falling into a clear path beneath my feet that, through trust, I am walking on more and more steadily, and it's really making all the difference in my life. I don't believe in coincidence; I believe in free will. When things appear to be coincidence, I belive that that is when human will and God's will align. My life is aligned. My soul is aligned.

Anyway, all of this is to point out one key word: trust. Trust is key. We look for trustworthiness in humans all our lives, but people let us down without fail. I don't have a single close person in my life who has never broken my trust in some miniscule way. There is no trust like the trust we can put in God. If you're looking for something your soul craves (honesty, trust, love, attention, acceptance, guidance, validation, worth) in someone, I hate to break it to you, but you're looking in the wrong place. There is only one way to quench the soul.

I'm looking forward to letting go even more and trusting and walking where I am led to go. Why? Why would this Type A control freak want to let go more? Because it's working.

I'm taking my first big step this May, when I'll be spending 10 days in Cambodia and meeting young girls who have endured horrible things through the industry of human trafficking. No human should be forced to deal with what these girls have dealt with. But, I think this is where I need to be. I'm so looking forward to committing scripture to heart and memory over the next 3 months, so I'll have the right words to say. I cannot wait to follow this call and be a messenger. I have dreamed about this journey from the first time I went to church camp around age 11/12 and first heard the concept of missions work. I think--I hope--my life experiences are for such a bigger purpose than I even know right now. I'm so excited to share my testimony with these girls and show them the freedom I have in my soul through Christ, despite anything that's happened in my past...the huge imperfections in my life that are made perfectly okay through the precious grace and forgiveness of Jesus.

I've tucked away this urge for years, deep in my heart and mind, and I think now's the time to act on it! I've done plenty of living for me in my life; I can't wait to see what happens when I start living for others just as much. And all that is to underscore the concept of trust. I'm trusting my curiosity and the tug in my heart and trusting that funding will work out and trusting that this is my path. The rest is up to the one in whom I trust, and guess what? He's never failed me.

Keep me in your prayers, peeps!

Much love.
-Kels

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Wow, where to start? Today was awesome and fun and busy and hectic and tiring and amazing. Perhaps the best Christmas Eve of all time! Today was about as "typical Kelsey" as a day can get. It felt good!

This morning I meant to get up super early and get a lot done. Did that happen? Nope. Slept in until 6:30 at first, when I discovered Kimmy standing at the foot of the bed playing with my blanket. I'm still unclear whether she was awake or sleepwalking. I told her to get back in bed, and then I didn't get up until 8:00! I took a shower and got completely ready and had to go coax her out of sleep because she was so knocked out. Got her dressed, and our day officially started!

First, we hopped in the car and drove through McDonald's for a lazy-mom breakfast. Then we went to my work, so I could do payroll real quick and for Kimmy to meet a few of my coworkers. You never know what a toddler will do, so I certainly didn't expect Kimmy to waltz right in confidently and hold up her foot to show my coworker her Cinderella light-up shoe. LOL! So random. She happily ate her McD's breakfast and acted like she was perfectly at home in the office with Mommy.

Once we finished up there, it was off to Indy for free admission day at the Children's Museum. We had never been because it's not really in our budget, so I thought free day was a good time to go. Parking was also free, which is a major winner in my book.

We got there a little before 11:00am, and holy crap it was packed. Not just buzzing, but PACKED. If I had claustrophobia, I would not have made it out of the parking garage. I vowed not to let myself get too stressed out (it's really hard to take a young child somewhere all by yourself and not be intimidated or nervous), keep a strict eye on the Kim-bird at all times, and have fun.

And have fun, we did! Actually, "fun" is an understatement. There was so much to do! Kimmy loved everything--the dinosaur and train play tables, the musical instruments, water table, sand, drawing with chalk, the holiday displays, the giant polar bear on the 2nd floor (which we had to go back to 4 times because she was so enthralled), dinosaur bones, blown glass with plastic play versions for kids, the big train car you could walk through, the play castle near where Santa was, and, heck, even the hand dryers in the bathrooms and ramps to and from each floor--and I loved watching her have fun. She had a blast! We probably walked 2 miles seeing everything.

After the first hour of exploration, we got in line to meet Santa. We waited less than an hour, I think, but it was exhausting. There were kids running around everywhere, people getting in and out of line for bathroom breaks and phone calls and who knows what else, and Kimmy was starting to feel tired. I basically split the wait time between watching her like a hawk and grabbing her anytime she tried to run off and holding her on my hip, so she could lay her sleepy head on my shoulder and rest. Hard manual labor with a 30-lb. toddler.

We finally made it to the front of the line, and the much-anticipated first-ever Santa meeting took place. Kimmy LOVED Santa. She was mesmerized. She whispered, "Wowwwwwww." as she walked up to him. (She also stuck her foot up and showed him her Cinderella light-up shoes. They are apparently her most beloved possession right now.) She sat still as a statue as I snapped a picture of her with Santa Claus. She was starstruck and completely in awe. So hilarious to watch her reaction! Also, this Santa was the best ever. He was 100% in character and didn't show the slightest annoyance at any of the children or 4 hours of non-stop photo opps. Very impressive.

We hung out at the museum until 1:00, when Kimmy was just too tired to go on. We never made it to the 4th floor to ride the carousel, but luckily the Jay-jee wasn't even aware there was one up there! Before we left, though, we went to the gift shop. I have to say that I am a pro at finding the coolest cheap things to get at museum/aquarium/zoo gift shops, and this was no exception. I'm pretty proud of that skill. But what made my finds even better was the nice mother in the line next to me who used her museum member pass on my purchase to save me 15%. It was such a nice gesture! In my opinion, the best moms are the ones who help each other out and have each other's backs. I hope mystery mom and her kiddos have the best Christmas ever because her small kindness made my day a whole lot brighter, especially after several stressful hours of wading through throngs of people bouncing around like pinballs because of their unpredictable toddlers' footpaths.

As we were walking the skywalk over to the parking garage, I noticed that Kimmy was slowing down, down, down until she was barely even picking up her feet to walk. Hilarious! I carried her the 500 ft. back to the car, and she was asleep in about 5 minutes.

Okay, so all week I had been planning to go to the 4:30pm Christmas Eve service at our church, but as I was driving home today, the GPS was giving me a 2:37pm ETA to our apartment. I decided that I could most likely get us home, changed into church clothes, and to the church just about right on time for the 3:00pm service. Challenge accepted, self.

In typical Kelsey fashion, I caught every red light in town on the way home. We arrived at 2:45, but I somehow got us to church at 3:00pm on the dot. BOOM!

If you know me, you know my Christmas Eve traditions include church hopping to as many candlelight services as possible and singing as much Christmas music as possible. Kim and I used to go to as many as 5 services in one night! So, I've seen it all, or so I thought. This service was way different, though.

Sherwood Oaks put on an AWESOME service! Not your same-old-same music. No candles, but the Wham City Lights phone app. I loved it!!!!! Probably my favorite service ever. The best part was the last song with the app with all the color-changing phone screens. The music was like Christmas carols meets Jersey house music. So much fun! The 8-ish year old boy in front of me was jumping up and down and fist pumping the whole time. It was hilarious! I left with a big smile my face and in my heart. I love a lot of things about Bloomington, Indiana, but the number 1 on my list is my church home.

After church, we ran to Kroger. I know, I know...shopping on Christmas Eve. But I really couldn't help it. My Thirty-One and PartyLite commissions hit my bank account today, and Kimmy was 100% out of allergy medicine. I grabbed that, and Kimmy and I picked out our cake mix and icing for Jesus's birthday cake that we're making tomorrow. I really wanted to make it symbolic and do red velvet cake with pure white icing to be able to chat about the blood and the blanketing of our sins with forgiveness, yadda, yadda, yadda. I guess I temporarily forgot that I have a very girly 2-year-old who is very into pretty, sparkly things as my best mate. She picked out white cake mix and bright purple icing with big multi-colored sprinkles. Well, first she picked out bright pink icing with pink sugar sprinkles, which I smoothly nixed (by showing her a few better options like purple and blue) because I'm not big on pink. Purple it is.

Here comes the interesting part: I was sitting in the backseat buckling Kimmy into her carseat after our shopping trip, when an impatient person started pulling into the parking spot next to us. Door wide open and me being the [too] nice person I am, I pulled the door closer to me. Well, the wind blew it shut completely. Annnnnd, let's just say the child safety lock feature works perfectly in my car. Yep. Locked in the backseat with my child, despite the unlocked door.

Well, being that Kimmy's carseat is in the middle seat and is rear-facing, that left about a 1 ft. space from the top of her seat to the ceiling...a space that I was forced to dive through face first to transport myself to the front of my unlocked-from-the-outside car.

Yes, this really happened. I could not make it up. This is my life.

I'm sure my child now thinks I am the weirdest human being on the planet based on her facial expression as this was happening. My antics may push her into teenage embarrassment mode well before her time. I could definitely see this happening. Go ahead and laugh!

When we got home (at 5:00pm, which is an awesome time to be in for the night on Christmas Eve, by the way), we had our fancy cheese and crackers platter (Pierce traditional Christmas Eve dinner) and a whole lot of blueberries, followed by couch cuddles and Christmas movies. As I got my lovey ready for bed, I gifted her with a Christmas sticker book, Maisy's Christmas. She absolutely loved it! I see a fun new tradition in our Christmas Eve bedtime wind-down! She thought the stickers she could insert into the story were ultra-cool. Toddler moms: I highly recommend this book!

As I was tucking my sweet child in bed, I asked her what her favorite part of our day was. She said, "I saw Santa!" So, there's that.

After she went to bed, I finally got her gifts wrapped and put under the tree. As I sat back down on the couch to watch a Hallmark movie, I had a stunning realization:

I. Am. So. Sore.

My feet are Disneyworld sore. My back is 9th-month pregnancy sore. My biceps are Arnold Schwarzenegger sore. However, my heart is overflowing. Single mom busy-day, non-workout workout for the win. I wouldn't trade this day for all the money in the world.

Merry Christmas, friends! I hope your day was as amazing as ours.

More later.
-Kels