Brave

Back in July when Brice and I went to Colorado, his mom was telling me/us about how someone once asked her to describe each of her children with one word. I thought that was so cool, the idea of boiling down your child's entire massive personality and being into just one word. I've been continually trying to think of the word I would use for Kimmy ever since then, and it has truly taken me this long to decide what that word is.

Brave.

Kimmy is brave.

In the days and weeks after little miss was born, I spent countless hours going over all the dreams I have for her in her life. How I want her to feel about herself, how I want her to be able to look back on her childhood, how I will love her and support her no matter who she turns out to become. One thing I wished deeply for her was to have a stress-free and care-free childhood.

Unfortunately, fate would have it that she didn't fully get either of those things to the extent that I hoped. Life in a single-parent home whisked her away to a reality of having to sense adult stress far too young. I remember shortly after we moved into our own house when she was 2 that feeling of insecurity she woke up with each morning and went to bed with each night. "Mommy, will we live here now, just Kimmy and Mommy?" "Who will come watch me tomorrow?" "Where will I be tomorrow?" "Do I have to go to my daddy's this weekend?" "Will you always come get me after I visit?" The fear of the unknown unsettled her. She didn't understand the back and forth between households for visitation.

But do you know what she did? Instead of losing her footing, instead of turning into a tantrum-throwing, behavioral and emotional hot mess, she took every piece of new information and just rolled with it. "Okay, I like Kimmy and Mommy's house." "I'm excited to see Brooke tomorrow." "I'll miss you, Momma. Can't wait til you pick me up."

She is like that with everything. Give her the answers to her questions of the unknown, and she intrinsically equips herself for the ride ahead.

When we're at a restaurant, and I challenge her to order for herself when the server asks me what she wants to eat, she rehearses with me and does it. That huge grin on her face afterward is amazing to see!

When she marched into kindergarten on the first day with not a tear in her eye, despite her nervous tummy that morning, and waved bye to me: brave as can be.

When a pipe burst in our townhouse this winter, and we had to pack a bag and stay in an apartment unit across the street for a week, not a complaint was uttered. She thought of it as a fun adventure.

When we go somewhere new or try something new, she stomps trepidation with curiosity.

Flexible and resilient are reactions, and she executes those reactions flawlessly. But brave is who she is. She doesn't choose to be that way; she just is.

Kimmy on superhero day at school

I love my brave little adventurer. It's still eerie to me that I no longer have a toddler, but I'm so excited to watch her grow into big-girl Kimmy Jarae.

-Kels

P.S. She loves school, and it makes me so happy. I am a big ol' worrywart about these things, you know.

P.P.S. Thanks for the inspiration, Vicki!

Listen

Yesterday was my Kimmy Jarae's 5th birthday. She's 5! I really can't believe it. I am shocked that my little toddler got replaced by a big kid.

She had school yesterday (her 3rd day of kindergarten), but I still tried to make her day as special as I could. She got to wear her new My Little Pony (current obsession) shirt with Rainbow Dash on it. I gave her Starbursts for breakfast (well, pre-breakfast, since we're cashing in on the $1.10 breakfasts at school). I sent cupcakes and flowers and a balloon to her school (judge me all you want, but my child is not spoiled by material things. So I went all out for her birthday). After school, we ran to the grocery store and then came home to make dinner together.

We made gumbo. Kimmy's been begging to try gumbo for months. She loves okra, and when she learned that it's a key ingredient in Tiana's dish in Princess and the Frog, she latched onto the idea of making it for dinner sometime. We got tons of fresh veggies from the farmers' market this weekend, including the okra mother lode, so we were all set for gumbo cookin'. I thought her birthday was the perfect occasion!

I love being a mom, and I know I'm a pretty good one. One thing I seriously struggle with, though, is active listening. I'm so exhausted in the evenings and overwhelmed with managing a routine, cleaning, getting everything ready for the next day, doing homework, keeping some semblance of a social life, and getting enough sleep, that I generally do a terrible job listening, being patient, sticking to one task at a time, and sitting down to spend relaxing time with my Kimmy-girl instead of bouncing around the house like a pinball. I catch myself saying, "Mmhmm. Oh, that's great," to many of the things Kimmy tells me (or tries to tell me) in the evenings. I have horrible mommy guilt over it, and I resent single parenting for making it my reality. I'm the only person Kimmy has to talk to, and I ruin it a lot by being so lacking in energy. I'm just spread so thin that there is no way I can hit the evening portion of our day with a full battery. I get really down about it.

So last night I put my phone down and spent some real quality time with my baby. We (mostly she) talked, and I listened. She took me by surprise several times throughout the evening! I was so astonished at how much she knows and has been learning lately. Even the way she forms sentences now...it's like she's a grown-up trapped in that little girly-girl frame.

While we were prepping our veggies for cooking, I was dicing an onion. When I moved on to the garlic, Kimmy said, "I already know what that knife move is called, Mommy." I said, "Oh, you do? What?" "Mincing." I literally had no clue she knew that! She said she learned it from Princess and the Frog when Prince Naveen is mincing mushrooms. And then she helped me mince.

Next, she started munching on a green pepper--a favorite snack of my brother's when he was Kimmy's age. She said she loved it, and I told her she was awesome and brave to always try new foods.

The evening was interspersed with random friends and family members calling and sending messages to wish her a happy birthday like Nana and Papple and Nate and Brice, but we still got to talk to each other a lot. Probably my favorite part was when we were sitting at the bar together just digging into our bowls of gumbo when she finally opened up to me about how school was going. I've barely heard a peep about school since the first day, and it had me kind of worried.

We had a nice heart to heart about her class and teacher, her new best friend Averi who sits at the table next to her, how it takes time to learn new names and make new friends, how her school is pretty big compared to my grade school and how I think she's showing a lot of courage by not being intimidated by being around so many people. She told me her favorite part of school is that she's going to learn to read, and her least favorite part is not having nap time. (Cue the mommy guilt for her having to go to Latch-Key before and after school while her momma goes to work, which makes for 10-hour days.)

We finished up our evening with blackberries sprinkled with sugar, and I got my 5-year-old sidekick into bed only about a half hour late.

Kimmy's final thought before bed? "I have a question. What if we could swim in clouds?" She might be growing up quickly, but that mind of hers is still wild, innocent, free, and full of dreams. I love her so.

Parenting never feels better than when you're connected with your kiddo without distractions. My favorite ways to get there with Kimmy are camping, vacationing, and cooking. I need to make a point of it more often! But what would parenting be without lots of mini failures, right? I need grace. Lots and lots of grace. We've made it to age 5 with smiles on our faces, and we can make it much farther!

I love you, Kimmy Jarae-jee Jay-jee Jarae.

-Momma

Do things that scare you (single momma travel edition)

One of my proudest accomplishments to date was when I took my daughter to Disney World for her 3rd birthday, just me and her. Gobs of people tried to talk me out of it, friends and family alike. But it was something I felt like I just needed to do for us, and I'm so glad I listened to myself. I learned many, many things on that trip, the biggest of which was that I absolutely can handle taking my daughter somewhere all on my own, all while managing uncertainties and having a whole lot of fun! It was the pivotal experience of my single parenting journey, and it made me realize that I am more than capable.

That was in August 2015. Since then, I've made it a goal of mine to jump at any opportunity to travel with Kimmy. We've been camping together, to King's Island, to zoos, to Disney on Ice, to state parks, to Amish Country, and we just got back from Chicago last night. It's extremely scary and intimidating to take her on trips by myself, but I know the rewards are well worth the stress of overcoming that fear.

Are these trips easy? No. They strain our budget, they push my stress through the roof, and I have to consciously quell my endlessly nagging anxieties the whole time we're on a vacation. Like, seriously the entire time. A lot of little things make me a nervous wreck when I'm responsible for another human being: public transportation, crossing the street, airport security lines, whether or not my kid has peed and pooped recently, whether she's well hydrated, how much money is in my checking account at this exact moment in time, how much cash I have, where the nearest ATM is, whether there will be errors in any of our reservations, whether I have forgotten anything I need, etc., etc., etc. Last year on vacation, we were hit by an intoxicated driver and landed with a completely totaled car before we even made it to our hotel! So, yeah. Not easy at all. There is always some unforeseen circumstance a blink of the eye away that can throw a wrench in the most carefully laid plans.

Are these types of trips fun, though? Heckkkk yes! It feels SO GOOD to get one-on-one quality time with my mini me. It's the perfect opportunity for both of us to get an attitude adjustment, to reset our behaviors, to break out of our monotonous routines, to make new memories, to just get out of the house, and to talk about things heart to heart. I love our girl time, and I will chase these small getaways with her any chance I get.

This past vacation to Chicago, in particular, really helped us get grounded. We had a long year, month, and week leading up to this trip with tons of changes and long, tired days. Kimmy just finished up her school year on Friday, so we headed to the airport right after that. I was stressed about having just finished the end of my grad school term and probably not earning a letter grade that reflects the depth of what I actually took away from the class knowledge-wise. We just really needed to get away, and so we did!

I've found that the best trick to traveling with my daughter is not planning everything out. Of course, I made our lodging reservation and made sure all our transportation was planned out. But other than that, I only had 2 things planned going into this trip: a day at the zoo on day one and tickets to see Aladdin the musical on day two. That left us with a wide open schedule to be sure to have plenty of time to enjoy each other, instead of having all our time blocked off to do activity after activity for the sake of having a full itinerary. This also left room for Kimmy to make choices and feel like she had a say in what we were doing, not just be forced to do whatever I had planned for us. It really helped us be a team!

Also, we were mega broke this trip. But you know what? We had an absolute blast! Did we come home with a suitcase full of souvenirs? Nope. I actually can't think of a single souvenir we bought, unless you count the $1 balloon art flower we got on a street corner or our big bags of Garrett's popcorn. But we took lots of pictures and made a whole lot of memories! A tour guide during a trip to Europe in college once said, "Take pictures with your eyes and with your heart--those will be your best memories," and it's so true. I mean, I took pictures with my phone, too, but they just serve to reinforce all the things I saw and experienced. I don't look back and think, "Oh, I really love this one thing I bought in Europe." Instead, I think, "That Nuremberg Easter market was one of the neatest experiences of my life," "or that sunset view of Paris from the steps of Sacre-Coeur Basilica changed my life completely" or "the way my sisters in Cambodia hugged me still makes me feel warm inside." I value experiences so much more deeply than things, and I think Kimmy would tell you the same. She didn't even ask for anything in Chicago, except to show me some things she liked in the Disney Store that she would love it if she got for her birthday in August. She asked for a boat ride and a fresh-squeezed lemonade and to go splash in the water fountains in Millennium Park.

We walked about 28 miles over the long weekend, and little miss didn't complain a single time about being tired or hot. Not one time. How strong and grown up is she?! I was so proud! We ate free hostel breakfast and peanut butter sandwiches and hot dogs and cotton candy and ice cream and only one sit-down restaurant meal (deep dish pizza). We painted our nails and watched cartoons. We window shopped and played in the parks and got free Minions tattoos. We chased geese, had a picnic, rode a boat taxi, and walked down along the river and all along the Lakefront Trail. We gawked at the enormity of Buckingham Fountain--twice. We met friends at the zoo and made new friends at the Old Navy coloring table and at Millennium Park. We saw an amazing musical and had vending machine snacks for dinner afterwards because it was a Sunday, and I forgot everything would close early (oops). We went in shops just to ride the escalators. We got caught in a summer downpour and got so soaked we had to go in Walgreens to buy paper towels and dry ourselves off. We went to a museum we could get into for free with our WonderLab membership here. We talked and danced and soaked it all in. We even made up our own vacation theme song! It was an amazing trip.

So, anyway, my point is this...

ALL PARENTS EVERYWHERE (especially my fellow beautiful and amazing superhero single mommas who might lack the confidence to take the plunge or who might deal with an overabundance of unsolicited advice to the contrary from people who don't have a clue what it's like to walk in our shoes): GRAB YOUR KID(S) AND GO. Go anywhere. For a few days, for a week, overnight, doesn't matter. Pick a place and get in your car, on a plane, train, or boat. Just go. Go an hour away and stay in a hotel and watch TV, order pizza, and swim in the hotel pool. Get in the car and drive until you get to somewhere that seems like a good destination. Go a few towns over and spend the day there. Eat McDonald's or sandwiches or granola bars and apples for every meal if that's all you can afford. Stay on a friend's couch or an Airbnb or hostel. Go camping and sleep in a tent. Sleep in a rest area in your car for all I care--just go! Whatever you're scared of is minuscule in comparison to the lessons and memories you can find when you travel.

Lastly: if your fear is a person whispering in your ear that it's unsafe and foolish to travel with your child(ren), don't listen to them. Listen to you. Use your head and your street smarts. You know how to keep your kid safe. You know how your kid will react to any number of situations, which will help you choose where to take them. You know what you're capable of--and even if you don't, go somewhere anyway because you'll certainly find out. You'll never thrive under the dark cloud of pessimistic and paranoid advice. Go chase your sunshine!

More later.
-Kels

Discipline

I grew up in a home with set behavioral expectations and fairly consistent punishments for offenses. I spent many post-smart-mouth-remark bedroom quarantines brooding and vowing to discipline my future children completely differently. Never would I have a child who would sit in her room staring daggers into her parents' souls. Not my child. No, I'd be my child's best friend and never turn her against me!

As fate would have it, that wasn't completely unrealistic. Brooding preteen removed from this equation, of course--I'm not still holding onto any resentful thoughts toward my parents because I turned out pretty okay and have a strong sense of right vs. wrong. I have still retained my strong will, and I still speak my mind, though I kinda-sorta have a grasp on when to bite my tongue and when to speak up a little better than I had as a kid. (Hey, I said "kinda-sorta," right? I didn't claim to be an expert, HAHA!)

I've found myself in the role of a single parent, and I serve as both my daughter's sense of comfort and her reinforced conscience/disciplinarian. It's important for me to instill in my daughter a sense of right and wrong. But, it's even more important for me to be her friend through it all. I know a lot of people disagree with this stance, as is evident in the endless discipline advice I get from friends, family, and acquaintances alike.

(Seriously, guys, stop giving me advice. About anything. About everything. Especially about my child. I hate it. I would ask if I wanted it. I don't. Frankly, I'm sick of repeating myself on this front, too. Just stahp.)

Truth is, I know what I'm doing. My daughter doesn't have another parent to run to for comfort. Siblings either. She has me. I have to think very carefully about discipline, or I risk damaging the most secure human relationship my daughter has on this earth. Our trust and teamwork means absolutely everything and is our core mother-daughter value. I intend to never jeopardize that bond.

Someone once suggested to me that I fix my daughter's slower-than-mine pace and sense of time when we're getting ready for school and work in the mornings by locking her outside of the house in anything she could manage to clothe herself in in 5 minutes.

Let me be very clear: NEVER would I subject my child to such brutal humiliation. Discipline by humiliation is completely out of the question. I would absolutely risk every bit of trust she has in me to take care of her and help her through our differences if I made her feel humiliated, especially by something internalized and natural over which she has very little control.

Discipline by physical harm is completely out of the question, too. Discipline by silent treatment: no. Discipline by slave-style chores: no. Discipline by removing basic needs like a meal, clean and prepped clothing in the morning, etc...never ever.

I have never once laid a hand on my child, and I never intend to. I have never once purposely added the burden of shame to my child, and I don't plan to start now.

Discipline by words is plenty. Discipline by very small punishment (timeout or a prompted sincere apology) is enough.

As an only child (yes, she has a half-sister, but she lives as an only child in actual lifestyle articulation), and especially as the only child in a single-parent home, my daughter is critically sensitive to how I perceive her. If there is tension in our relationship, we both feel it. If Kimmy has even the slightest sense that I am disappointed in her actions, she is devastated. Absolutely shattered and torn to pieces.

This morning when I dropped her off at school, I learned that Kimmy had had 2 timeouts at school yesterday for sassy behavior to her teacher upon being corrected on something. While I deeply appreciate her strong will and ability to speak up for herself, there is a time and a place for such behavior, and it is not at school to her preschool teachers, whose judgment I trust. (When she's older and has a difference of opinion or fact with a teacher, then we'll talk. I remember the first time I corrected a teacher and was absolutely right in so doing...in 2nd grade.)

As her teacher was telling me what happened, Kimmy's entire posture changed. Her shoulders sunk. She turned her face from me. Huge crocodile tears welled up in her eyes instantly, and she bit her bottom lip. She was sobbing 15 seconds in. When I hugged her as I was leaving, she didn't want to let go. The thought of me being disappointed in her is just about too much for her to bear, and this is a consistent observation. That feeling is so shameful to her that just by her knowing I could potentially think badly of her, she wouldn't dare repeat a bad behavior.

We discuss bad behavior. We apologize when we get snippy or loud-mouthed with each other. I apologize constantly for getting impatient and raising my voice. I hold my daughter's hand. I tell her I love her. I hug her. I kiss her goodnight and good morning and goodbye for the day. I give leniency when leniency is due and can deepen our trust in each other. We forgive. We forget. We grow together.

This works for us. This process isn't broken. There is nothing to be fixed. Kimmy behaves exceptionally well for a child her age. She has a good heart and tries her hardest to make right decisions all the time. Best of all, she trusts me. She knows she can always come to her mother for any reason under the sun. She knows that I value her honesty. Some kids turn into snakes at age 4, but my daughter rarely even utters a lie. I intrinsically know that I am raising my daughter right. I'm not looking for a parenting overhaul.

So, please, leave me alone to discipline my child in the way that's best for her, for us, for our household, for our relationship. It's not your business. If there comes a time when I need to adjust, trust that I'm a grown-ass woman and can manage to do so just fine all on my own.

Kimmy and Mommy's house is peaceful, healthy, and happy. Is yours? #checkyourself

Peace,
-Kels

A new phase of motherhood

The last few months have been really hard for me as a mom and just for our household in general.

Kimmy and I have had a huge routine adjustment. We've transitioned from having our awesome babysitter and her 2 sons in our home every day to earlier mornings of getting ready for school and work together and rushing out the door. In addition to preschool, we've added in dance class (and an inevitable fast-food dinner) on Thursday nights. We don't get home until 5:30pm most days and 7:15pm on Thursdays. Dinner happens soon after we get home. Then it's bath, books, and bedtime with lights out at 8:00pm. We're exhausted. We're cranky. We have a hard time listening attentively. We lack patience with each other. There are lots of apologies. Days are long and full.

But we're happy.

Kimmy is learning so, so much at school. She knows all her letters and can count to 20 (higher with my help). She asks me to spell every word under the sun, and she's starting to read beginner sight words with repetition. We read all the time, and she's so very interested in it. I love watching the gears turn behind her eyes. Oh, and she gets a TON of playtime. I really love her school.

Our life is filled with book fairs, kids' birthday parties, stacks of preschool artwork, playdates with school friends, long Saturdays of errands, and a messy house we're never in, except to sleep.

I guess I didn't realize how quickly it would happen once Kimmy started school and new activities, but I'm finally making friends in this town. This has been my biggest challenge in Bloomington--since it's a college town, people come and go and move on to different states and places in their lives. It's hard to make and keep friends because before you blink, they're done with this town and off and away. I haven't clicked with anyone in a close friends type of way until now. It's such a relief! Our next door neighbor and her kids rock; we have a ton in common. I know a few dance moms. I know a handful of school moms. I don't feel so isolated anymore! It's really nice to have a few people who are in the same phase of life with me. The introduction and hand-shaking phase is awkward at first (just like networking, which I suck at), but the rewards are great. I'm really excited to ride this wave.

Anyway, I'm just thankful for this phase of motherhood. My heart has been wavering a bit lately between trying to pull me back home to WV (where my friends and family and the great outdoors are, but where jobs and good benefits and a liberal mentality are not) and staying here. Now that the dullest part of my life is filling out a bit, I think I'll stay awhile--at least until I'm done with grad school.

Bloomington will forever be the place I remember as my growing place, no matter where I end up. This is where I found myself again and where I chose to plant my feet firmly, even when the soil was slippery wet. One day I'll look back on these challenging few years and smile knowing that I got to a place where the stress isn't quite so heavy, all while taking it in stride. If I've got one thing going for me, it's grit.

Now if I could just find the time and motivation to get in shape. Or maybe that's in a season up ahead, too.

Peace,
-Kels

To the mom who jokes about being a temporary single mom

This has bothered me for 2 years, so I'm just going to get right to it.

I periodically stumble across a status here or there on Facebook during my late-night mindless scrolling that says something along the lines of, "Well, hubby is away for 2 weeks, and I'm home alone with the kids. Time to be a single mom," or, "After my afternoon trip to the mall alone with the kids, I don't know how single moms do it."

I can't begin to tell you how deeply offensive this is.

Even if it's followed by a "kudos," it's not a compliment. It stings even worse, actually, because it proves that you don't see us. If you did, you'd never say that.

Being a single parent is not something you choose. It's not something you can turn on and off. It's not something you set out to be. It is thrust upon you, either by person or by circumstance. If you love your child, you'll do it. That's "how we do it." We have to. There is no other option.

It is not a life I would ever wish on anyone. I love my daughter more than life itself, but being a single mom is the hardest job I will ever have. I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially stretched 100% of the time. I truly worry that I will die of a heart attack before I'm 40 from stress. I honestly worry about this. I am exhausted day in and day out. I dream of naps I will never, ever get to take. I dream of an empty sink and clean carpets and plenty of washed and folded clothes to choose from on any given day. I dream of a shower.

[Fun fact: I probably only shower 4 times a week at the most. Why? I need sleep more than I need a full shower. I opt for a soap-and-water washcloth wipe all the other times.]

While your little "single mom" charade is temporary, mine is not. Where you have a light at the end of the tunnel (husband, fiance, boyfriend), I have nothing but endless days of sole-responsibility monotony with my highest expectation being that of merely keeping my head above water.

While you may bicker with your significant other about child-rearing, I have to pay a lawyer thousands of dollars several times a year in order to have assistance having a civil, productive conversation with my daughter's father in a courtroom.

While you get to pick and choose when you get solo time away from your kids, I only get it as it is thrust upon me by court-mandated visitation. This is not time I spend in blissful solitude; this is time I split equally between worrying about/missing my daughter and engaging in morning-to-night activities to try to distract myself from such loneliness.

While you get breaks from certain tasks (chores, errands, being "on" as a parent, etc.), know that I never do. Even if my child is away, I'm the only other one who lives here, and I have to do every bit of it.

While you get a literal pair of arms to sink into on tough days, I get only beautiful toddler arms--they are my favorite arms, but these are hugs in which I have to be the strong, sturdy, consoling one. I don't ever get to fall apart.

When you get to unwind sitting next to another human body each evening, I sit silently by myself and marvel at how I've simply made it through another day.

It's not glamorous. At all. I'm a joyful person who seeks out happiness and adventure, despite (and in spite of) this single mom role, and I find it and share it--that's what you see. That's what I get complimented on, and I can't thank you enough for that.

But you don't walk in my shoes on the days when everything around me seems to be an obstacle in my path. The days when I trudge through mud all day long only to go to sleep and do the same thing all day the next day. When I'm one straw away from feeling like I have reached my final limit, and I may actually self-combust from enduring so much stress.

So when someone jokes about being a single mom, yes, I take offense. And, no, I'm not overreacting.

I'm not in the slightest trying to say that I deserve congratulations for parenting all by myself or that I'm better than any other type of mom for it. In fact, I'd argue that I'm a worse mom. My daughter gets the butt end of my lack of patience every single evening when we're both exhausted and fumbling through our bedtime routine. She misses out on a lot of great experiences because we can't afford to do them with our extremely limited household budget. When we're bickering, she can't just go to the other parent for comfort. We're all we've got, and it's not just me doing all the struggling on rough days.

This is not about comparison. This is simply about understanding. If you're lucky enough to be parenting your kids with a partner, I just want you to understand that, no, you don't actually know what this is like. You don't feel what I feel. You couldn't. And I truly hope that you never have to.

But the next time you're about to vent about not knowing how a single parent does it because of your very small glimpse into what it's like to have to do everything all by yourself with no end in sight, I hope that you'll keep that thought to yourself and post something else on Facebook instead.

-Kels

Why is her hair always a mess?

My little baby Kimmy is about to turn 4, and I've been having a really hard time coping. I've been stewing on this blog for a month or so, watching each day come and go, whirling us unrelentingly forward to her birthday, to preschool, to ballet lessons, to her very last year of being a toddler.

I've finally decided that I just don't have the words to describe how much I love her, how proud I am of her, and how thankful I am to have her in my life, so I'm not even going to try to do it justice. A poem (the title of which was fueled by a hateful comment) [to spite the negativity in our lives] and some pictures will have to do!


Why is her hair always a mess?

She is wild like the sun's rays as they dart through the trees,

like the West Virginia blood that has trickled down to her.

She goes where her heart leads,

following each tug with a brave grin.

She plays and laughs and runs, and each curly
ringlet rises up to meet the next big adventure.

She is born from the deepest need for

healing to a mother who wanted her so.

She is her great-grandmother's great-granddaughter,

fiercely strong and aware of the gentlest among us.

She is her nana's heart, joyful and 

compassionate, unwavering in her beliefs.

She is her mommy's best friend, a soft

landing when our days are full of turmoil.

She is a kind smile and a sweet thought

whenever someone hurts.

She is her namesake through and through.

She is the sun, the rain, the moon, and the stars all in one.

Why tiptoe when we can leap and dance?

Why tame a wild thing when there is laughter to be had?

Why hold back when there is a trail to be blazed?

You can always wear your hair down around me, sweet girl. 

Messy or not, we know what our insides are all about.

3 generations and 1 in the womb

The day I left to check into the hospital to have my girl 

The picture that will forever make me feel the most beautiful

My sweet angel girl, 9 days old

6 months

Kimmy's 1st birthday!

Kimmy's 2nd birthday!

Kimmy's 3rd birthday--at Disney World!

Kimmy's 1st haircut on her birthday at WDW!

June 2016, camping with her momma

June 2016, West Beach of Lake Michigan at Indiana Dunes National Park

June 2016, evening playtime with her momma

And now we're 2 days away from age 4. To say I'm in shock would be an understatement.

But, to say I'm excited for all that the future holds for my beautiful Kimmy and me would be an even bigger understatement. I absolutely cannot wait for all that is to come.

I love you, Kimberly Jarae Strickland!

8/7/12 was the start of the best phase of my life, all thanks to YOU!

Love,

Mommy

I want to be better

A lot of my thoughts lately have centered around my goals. What do I want in life? Where am I headed? How can I get there?

In an effort to not be as hard on myself, yet still uphold all my standards and values, I have boiled all my goals down to one goal:

I want to be better.

I want to be a better mother, daughter, friend, listener, achiever, dreamer, student, believer, writer, artist, learner, and adventurer. I never want to stop being better at those things. I will base decisions on that goal, and that will pave my way.

--

After 2 weeks away from my daughter and a weekend of her time being divided between other family and pet doggies, I felt overwhelmingly disconnected, both from my daughter and just from motherhood in general. Yesterday afternoon, I just thought to myself, "There was just an entire chunk of time where I have no clue how my daughter's life was. There was an entire chunk of time where I didn't get to be her mother." I vowed to be a better mother in our time together and really spend more quality time connecting with her.

Last night, I only used my phone to take a few photos and videos of Kimmy and to look up some silly prairie dog, elephant, and owl videos that she wanted to watch. Other than that, we just talked. It was the best evening I've had in a very long time.

I watched a little girl--who is almost a not-so-little girl about to turn 4--blossom from feeling uneasy about being back home and knowing she has a brand new pre-school routine coming up into my happy little talkative girl full of silly ideas, tons of jokes, and loads of creativity. She was so happy to be home and so happy to have my full attention.

We talked all about my travels while she was at her daddy's house. We went out and looked at the garden together. She had a fashion show and tried on her new school clothes for me. I showed her my trip pictures and surprised her with a few souvenirs. I bought myself a harmonica a few weeks ago and have been teaching myself the basics. She was deeply envious of my purchase and wanted to play it all the time, so what did I do when I saw a harmonica in a pretty blue case at the Biltmore toy store? I bought a harmonica!

We've started a Kimmy-Mommy harmonica band. Kimmy took right to it. She made up a song and consistently plays it over and over. I know anyone can pick up a harmonica and blow into it, but it's actually a tricky little instrument (you can't see where you're blowing and have to rely on muscle memory) that makes replicating a tune pretty hard unless you have a good feel for which of the 10 holes is which note. She's a natural.

After a very long and exhausting day and lots of evening playing, Kimmy got to sleep in Mommy's bed. We slept 10+ hours and woke up feeling wonderful.

I have actually not seen Kimmy so calm or happy in the morning in quite some time. I know the sleep had a lot to do with it, but I also think I was a better mother to her last night than I sometimes am.

It's so easy to get caught up in all the trillion things I need to do in a day that by the time I make it home after work, there's very little of me left to give. My daughter, as my only other household member, takes the brunt of that and sees the worst of me more than anyone, simply because she is there to witness it. It's one of many unfairnesses of single parenting: my child needs me most, but circumstance dictates that I have to be spread out thinly elsewhere before I can get back to her.

So, I want to be better for her. She deserves to see the best of me more than anyone in my life. She is my constant. Friends and dudes may come and go in the years to come, but I will always have my Kimmy. She deserves to always have me, too.

I will be better.

-Kels

Will I have more children one day?

A few months ago, I took my annual vacation with my family to Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg, TN. I don't remember where I was or what we were doing at the specific time I'm going to delve into a backstory on, but Kimmy was acting up. She was a little ornery and overtired on that trip and wasn't at her peak behavior by any stretch of the imagination--typical 3-year-old life.

There was another kid close to us, younger than Kimmy, who got her attention. While Kimmy observed the other kid, she got quiet. Some man or woman (honestly the details are a little foggy for me here, haha!) nearby saw the whole thing said something along the lines of, "Well, well, well...now you know what you need to keep her happy: another one!" Meaning another child. I just smiled and laughingly agreed while sharing "the look" with my grandma.

So let's break this down a little. Was this person trying to give me serious advice about my life or tell me that I needed ot go home and reproduce immediately to make my daughter behave better? No. Was this person trying to get into my personal business? No. It was an innocent remark. If anything, they were probably trying to relate to me as a fellow parent and say something pleasant that would help me realize that Kimmy's behavior was a little bad, but typical of a child her age and that they recognized me as her mom and wanted to say something to acknowledge that. It was definitely out of a place of friendliness being that we were in good ol' Tennessee, so I didn't think too far into it or take offense over the fact that, no, I'm not going to be poppin' out babies any time soon because I'm too busy being a mom and student and household manager all on my own for now. My main point with this backstory: it was an innocent remark that I didn't dwell on, but something that sparked a chain of thought within me.

Over the next several weeks, I caught myself thinking about my long-term goals a lot. Perhaps related to the this exchange, but more likely associated with the fact that I was taking midterms for b-school and had recently pinned down what my actual, real, live, solid career goals are. The future is looking really, really bright and stable! So, I've just been thinking about where I'll be and what I'll be doing in the future.

One lingering question has been "Will I have more children one day?"

For a while the answer was an unshakable, "YES! Of course I will. Why wouldn't I? I'll come across a man who treats me right one day, and we'll get married and have children. Plus, how could I be so selfish as to not give Kimmy a sibling?" While this may very well be the case, I can't and don't want to plan and bank on a future that I'm not in charge of. Who knows if I'll meet someone awesome one day? Who really cares? I'm happy right here and now. I don't need huge changes in my life to transform me to a happy state. While this scenario may enable me to still be happy, it doesn't define my ultimate happiness.

When I stumbled upon this stunning epiphany, a whole new possibility of thought opened up for me!

My answer transitioned into, "I would absolutely love to have more children one day and wouldn't be opposed to it, but I'm not forcing the issue. I have Kimmy, and she is everything I need."

Going even deeper into my non-need to have another child, there have been multiple pivotal events and circumstances around me and involving me recently that are pushing me toward other possibilities for my future:

1. Kimmy's going to be starting school in less than 2 years. This is huge. This means I won't need full-time childcare for her anymore. This means she'll be older and more self-sufficient: dressing herself, reading, writing, learning, forming her own thoughts and opinions, and becoming a big girl. This means we'll be out of the "baby" stage. My house can be cleaner. We can travel more. We can do more extra-curricular activities. Life will be just so much more flexible.

2. Babies are expensive, and not giving your child siblings does not make her "less than." Yes, Kimmy would love to have a sibling around full-time, but having vs. not having siblings doesn't set someone up for happiness or success in life. Only children also have extraordinarily fun childhoods and grow into extraordinarily awesome adults. Some of my very best friends are only children, and they missed out on nothing in their sibling-less upbringings. What's more, Kimmy now has a half-sibling. (And I didn't have to do a thing--ha!) I imagine Kimmy will grow to have a great relationship with her half-sibling, and I hope and pray that that is what happens. At the same time, how awesome will it be for Kimmy to get to come home to our house and have the quiet of her own home where she is the single child there? I think she's got it made whether or not that changes!

3. Back to a longer-term outcome of the more flexible life I speak of in #1 and the expensiveness factor of babies in #2, no further children gives me better projected financial health. Home ownership. Kimmy's college fund. Travel money. When I had the opportunity to travel to Cambodia and spend time with so many incredible and amazing girls who had been rescued from sex and labor trafficking, I was stricken with an overwhelming urge to help girls in need. Underpriviliged and at-risk girls, orphans, girls overcoming adversity, etc. There are so, so, so many children and young adults in this world who need someone to be there for them. If I'm focusing on adding to my own family or raising new infants I've birthed, I'm spending more time and money on me and my blood relatives. I'm not helping cure that spark in my heart that is so strong that I couldn't ever shake it if I tried. I have to do something else with my life. When Kimmy's older and can join me, even better. Maybe we'll even be a foster family or adoptive family one day. I don't know. But I know that I can show my love to children in so many other ways than just having more of my own.

[This has been a draft for a while as I've stewed and tried to think of more to add. I'm happy with this, though. In the words of the great Anne Lamott, "Perfectionism is the voice of the opressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft."]

-Kels

Guarding my daughter's heart

Want to meet a real momma bear? Talk to me! You will never find a fiercer child advocate. I love my daughter beyond comprehension (as do many parents with their children), and I will do absolutely anything to keep her safe and secure. Especially in the wake of the chaos and back-and-forth that she's forced to endure as the product of a split family.

What kinds of things do I do to protect her? Let's walk through a few!

1. Tell her that I love her no matter what. I recently read a great book called The 5 Love Languages of Children, and I highly recommend it for every parent. It stresses that each child has different ways that they feel loved, and it's up to us parents to recognize those needs and consider how our actions will make our children feel. Some children have many love languages; some have 1 or 2 that really speak to them. Kimmy has some of them all, at least right now.

The main theme of the book, though, is this: your child needs to know, hands down, unequivocally, fully, always, that you love her...no matter what. It's not tied to actions, behaviors, physical things, money, mood, stress, or any source of outside influence. Kimmy loves to talk--not just to talk, but to engage in back-and-forth conversation with question after question fueled by her curious little mind and often even if she already knows the answers. That lets me know that one of her love languages right now is words of affirmation. I tell her frequently that I love her. Even if she's mad or I'm mad or something's not going right. I let that little sentence--"I love you, Kimmy."--stand all by itself.

2. Give her structure and a solid routine. I can't control what goes on outside our house, but I can control our home. Toddlers are emotional little beings, full of fluctuating levels of feeling understood, appreciated, and confident. I happen to be blessed with an incredibly articulate little girl who is low on the mood swing and tantrum spectrum. (In lamen's terms, she's an old soul and has this amazing aura of emotional maturity that very few toddlers have. So cool to witness!)

However, as a child of custody and visitation and being passed back and forth and having her comfort disrupted, she is susceptible to deep unsettling feelings on the inside. I see it when she bursts into crocodile tears once in a blue moon when I come home for lunch and have to leave to go back to work. I see it when she stalls at bedtime and bolts up to ask in a slight panic, "Am I staying at Kimmy's house tomorrow?", "What am I doing tomorrow, Mommy?", or "What time/day is it? Do you have to work tomorrow, Momma?" At our house, she is safe and secure. We have rules and bedtimes and regular meals. We have playtime and talking time; reading time and praying time. Kimmy and Mommy's house is safe and sound.

3. Give her thoughtful surprises! This is my favorite thing to do as a mom. Every time Kimmy comes back home from being at her dad's, I make sure to do a little something to welcome her home and let her know how happy I am to see her again. It's not about gifts or spending money; it's about being present in my daughter's life--showing her that her heart, time, thoughts, ideas, and actions are safe with Mommy. I don't want her to ever be spoiled or to expect things, so I mix it up a lot and make sure that I'm giving her a wide array of little surprises and activities. The point is to make her feel loved and to welcome her back into quality time with me with open arms.

Here's a list of some of the things I've done so far:

• Pick up a fresh stack of books from the library
• Grab a donut with chocolate and sprinkles (Kimmy's favorite kind)
• Get a decaf Frappuccino and pour some in a kid cup, then scoop all the whipped cream on top just for my little lady
• Clean her room and lay out a favorite pair of PJs to wear at bedtime
• Write her a card and let her open it when she gets home
• Bake cookies or muffins and have them ready for her
• Go straight to the playground when we get home
• Set up a coloring station on the dining room table to spend time talking and coloring
• Visit the grocery store, let Kimmy push the cart (seriously, Kroger and Sam's Club are her 2 favorite places on earth right now), let her carry in a bag when we get home, and let her put the items in the bag away. (Okay, I'm aware this one sounds lame, but she loves doing this. I can tell it makes her feel so important, and she knows she will have yummy things to eat at her house when we arrive!)
• Put out all the ingredients for dinner and let her help me cook a meal (even if it takes 4 times as long and my hair turns gray in the time it takes for dinner to cook)
• Tell her a surprise (like plans I've made to do a future fun thing...in this case, Disney) and spend time looking at pictures and videos of said fun place online
• Give her my phone to play with for a little while when we get home. Those eyes light up, and she always feels so special that she gets to use something of mine!

I imagine this could get hairy if I ever surprised her with something drastic like re-arranging the living room or getting rid of half her toys. That would kind of defeat the purpose of welcoming her back to a safe place. For a more drastic surprise, I would probably have to create a longer period of easing her into it...or just un-surprise it and let her help me with whatever the drastic thing is. More on this later, I guess. For now, those happy smiles and excited words at all the little surprises are all my heart needs to know I'm doing something right.

-Kels

Single momma crash course: how to do Disney for 2 for $1,500

It's no surprise that my 20-something self is broke as a joke more often than not. I'm still in that awkward financial phase where I'm finding my footing and paying off debt like crazy to be free from the stress.

I've also got a severe case of wanderlust. More so than any other person I know, I'd venture to say. Couple that with the forced routinization of raising a toddler, and I'm absolutely desperate to travel and explore at all times with little need for justification or external motivation.

So, imagine my surprise when I received an email from Frontier Airlines nearly a month ago advertising $29 flights to/from many major US destinations. YES, PLEASE!

I tried to talk myself out of it. I tried to refrain from digging deeper and doing that research. I just couldn't stop myself, though. Nope. Couldn't do it.

I booked that IND --> ATL flight for my daughter and me for $166 (taxes and fees included), and I haven't looked back since. One heavenly week in August on the books, and we're Georgia/Florida bound. Let the vacation planning commence!

Mmk. So I've been dying to go to Disney World since I had my precious daughter. As she grew, so did her love for Disney movies and Disney characters and all things Disney. And, I mean, I haven't been to Disney in 10 years now, so I thought, "Why not?" But, wait. Atlanta is not Orlando, right? Right. After running through all my options and trying to optimize on having the ultimate flexibility on this trip, I opted for getting a rental car to travel from ATL to Orlando. I actually discovered that it was cheaper to rent a car for the entire week than to rent it 2 separate times to travel from the Atlanta airport at the beginning of our trip and again to Atlanta at the end. This immediately opened up a world of possibilities for maximizing our fun!

Let's talk budget. I'm determined to do this trip and clock in around $1,500. I may sound crazy, but I think it can be done.

One little tidbit before I delve into numbers: I'm working on repairing my credit--an ongoing goal. I'm doing well, so I keep getting these pre-approved credit card offers in the mail. I did a lot of research, especially where creditkarma.com consumer reviews are concerned, and I decided to sign up for a credit card that offers a pretty generous 9-month introductory 0% APR period. This will allow me to "pay" for and plan most of my trip in advance and pay it off on a rigorous schedule after we return to still come in under the cut-off for the no-interest period. I'll be drastically improving my credit by making these monthly payments on time, I'm going to be careful and closely monitor my balance, and I'm going to have the peace of mind needed to enjoy my daughter's birthday at Disney and not blow the bank. This was a really good decision for me! I feel confident with this little cusion under me.

1. Airfare was step 1. Easy peasy.

Total cost (including tax, fees, and baggage): $166

2. Like I said, we'll be traveling for my daughter's 3rd birthday. ("But she might not remember your trip! Don't do it! She's much too young!" Don't care. Your advice is not solicited or welcome. She will have an amazing time while we're there, and so will I. Also, we will have amazing pictures to look back on, and we'll cherish them always. Oh, and did I mention we're saving about $300 by taking advantage of doing Disney at her current age?) Our first Disney day is August 6, and Kimmy turns 3 on August 7. It's no secret that for Disney World guests under the age of 3, their visit is on Mickey Mouse. Fuh-ree! I talked to a Cast Member through Disney's online chat and confirmed in writing that since she'll be starting her visit at age 2, she's going to be free for her whole trip. Boom! Park-hopping would be overwhelming with a toddler, so not having to spring for that option on my ticket offers even more savings. I purchased my 5-day Disney base ticket from Undercover Tourist and saved about $13 off the Walt Disney World website's cost. They're an authorized vendor, so I'm good to go without worrying that my ticket is a gimmick. In fact, I've already successfully linked it to My Disney Experience account!

Total cost (including tax and fees): $321.95
Running total: $487.95

3. I booked our rental car not long after purchasing my Disney ticket. I used ebates to get my cash back, and I went with the always-reliable, always-economical Enterprise. 7-day rental: check!

Total cost (including tax, fees, and a toddler car seat): $373.41
Running total: $861.36

4. With the flexibility of having a rental car in mind and the ability to drive beyond the realm of Orlando with ease, I reached out to an awesome friend in Tampa, who agreed to host us for 3 of our 6 nights of travel. (Side note: never cut ties with people who were once great people in your life, even many years ago. This summer camp friend and fellow arts lover has popped up with an amazing act of generosity at a really cool point in our adult lives, and I'm so excited to see her again! Bonus awesome thing: her name is also Kelsey. Very cool.) Next, I scoured the web for hotel deals for our remaining 3 nights and came across a golden nugget of information: Caribe Royale, a very fancy-looking Orlando conference hotel, has a deal where with proof of identity/birth date, any guest in your party with a birthday during your stay earns you a FREE night. That's 3 nights for the price of 2 for Kimmy and me. Plus, parking is free, the hotel will be sending a birthday cake up to our room on her birthday, and we'll get 20% off all food/beverage within the hotel during our stay. All I have to do is bring along a copy of her birth certificate. It's a really well-reviewed hotel, and unlike many Orlando hotels, they don't throw in a hidden nightly resort fee. I priced our our stay and compared to some other hotels I had been considering, and we're coming in about $100 under the total for what 3 nights at a Best Western in the same zip code would have been.

Total cost (including taxes and fees): $290.25
Running total: $1,151.61

That covers all our big expenses and leaves me with about $350 in flexible spending.

Here's a rundown of what I'm budgeting out for the rest of our trip expenses:
Additional trip necessities/grocery items (a leash/harness style backpack for my Kimmy, Magicbands, a cheapo umbrella stroller from an Orlando Walmart, and enough grocery items for cereal breakfasts and packed sandwich lunches in the parks): $80. 
Georgia visit to Lane's Orchard en route to Florida: Let's face it: I need some Georgia peaches in my life. Pronto. Roadtripping 6 hours from Atlanta, through the land of heavenly peaches, and down to Tampa/Orlando presents a perfect solution to this problem. A friend recommended an orchard/cafe/store (comparable to the Apple Barn in Pigeon Forge, TN) that's just off I-75 on our route to Florida, and we're going to stop to buy enough peaches for our whole week and have dinner there that night, as well. $50.
Disney character breakfast: I wanted one really special meal for Kimmy on her birthday, so I booked a character breakfast at Chef Mickey's. With tip, I'm estimating we'll dine for $40.
Dinners: I'm looking into a lot of "kids eat free" fast-casual restaurants (Sweet Tomatoes, Steak 'n' Shake, etc.), and I estimate $16/dinner spent on the two of us. 16 times 5 will put us at $80.
Souvenirs/in-park snacks: I'm doing my research and pre-selecting most of our souvenirs. That way I have good estimates of what I'll be buying for Kimmy and me, I'll know my price point if I need to swap anything, I'll know how much money I should aim to save, and I'll know how much flexible spending I have in the midst of my overall trip budget. Since it'll be Kimmy's birthday, I'm just going to route our souvenir budget to gifts for her, especially since I don't need anything (you've seen one souvenir; you've seen them all):

• Definitely doing the pack-your-own-box of Disney-speficic Mr. Potato Head parts for $20.
• Pick-a-pearl at Japan in Epcot: $15.
• A light-up thingamajigger at the Magic Kingdom fireworks show: $25.
• Minnie Mouse ears w/embroidery: $15.
• In-park snacks (let's just call this our Dole Whip and ice cream budget @ 1 to share per day): $24.

Total of all extra expenses: $349
Running total: $1,500!

Side note: I participate in online surveys for a little extra side cash. I'm planning on cashing in for enough Visa gift cards to totally cover our "additional trip necessities" category and any in-park ice creamy snacks we purchase.

Other side note: This trip will include all kinds of free activities, too, like collecting seashells at Clearwater Beach one evening when we go to meet up with some of my friends from college and playing with Legos in Downtown Disney. There are plenty of memories to be made without spending extra cash!

Final side note: Hopefully my wonderful parents will agree to cover the cost of our 3 tanks of gas needed for our fuel-efficient "Toyota Corolla or similar" for the roadtripping portion of our vacay. It is their only grandchild's only 3rd birthday celebration, after all. (Love you, Mom and Dad!)

And there you have it. How these 2 are gonna do Disney for $1,500.

What do you think, fellow Disney lovers? Am I right on the money, or am I totally clueless? What's your #1 tip for this single momma's first Dynamic Duo Does Disney vacation with her little lady?

More later.
-Kels

Standards

Hmmm, where to start on this topic? Let's go here first:

I'm a feminist. I will advocate for women's equality until the day I die. Equal pay. Equal rights. Removal of sexism from all aspects of life. There is no wrath like the wrath of a woman scorned, and media and society do a lot--both intentionally and unintentionally--to "put women in their places."

One thing that absolutely boils my blood is the societal idea that women are too high-maintenance and have standards that are both too high and unrealistic.

Society could not be more wrong.

Women have high standards because they know what they want, and they know what they deserve. We are clear thinkers. We may change our minds a lot, but we have coherent goals, dreams, and plans. I'd even venture to say that we're even better off for being mind-changers because that implies malleability and resilience and flexibility and adeptness and pure, effervescent wit.

Beyond that, we are absolutely entitled to have the standards we have--for people, for relationships, for jobs, for parenting, for gender equality, for healthcare, for women's rights, for life--and we should be lauded for having such a firm grip on our wants and needs.

A lot of times, "standards" and "goals" are interchangeable words. Why should one gender be allowed to set clear goals and the other held in constant contempt for it?

Sorry, men, but women keep the world running. We bring a hell of a lot to the table. I dare you to try to do it without us!

Anyway, off my soapbox. Kind of.

--

I'd like to advocate for women never to be afraid of having high standards and never to settle on something below those standards if it is within your power. It could lead to getting lost in a total mess, whether that's a bad relationship, a job that's a waste of your time, doing things for people who don't appreciate you, a whopping pile of debt, etc.

Set your standards high and hold your ground. Your life will be so much more amazing because you'll be living it on your terms. Circumstance and person will not affect your outlook and ambitions.

I've got a lot of standards for my future, and I refuse to find myself in a situation within my choosing that's too far away from those ideals. I'm specifically talking about future relationship, financial, and professional/educational goals for myself.

If I enter into another relationship in the future, it must be with an honest man. Honesty makes everything else tolerable, or at least overcome-able. He must be honest and worthy of my trust, time, and attention. Beyond that, he must be worthy of the time he will take away from Kimmy and Mommy 1:1. He must love my child as much as me and/or as much as his own if a blended family is in my future. He must be someone I can be comfortable praying with/around.

My financial standards include being debt-free with the exceptions of car and home loans in my future. I will save for emergencies, for Kimmy's college education, for retirement, and to help others. On these standards, I will not bend, unless forced circumstance would make it so.

I will receive a graduate degree, come hail or high water. [I think the generally accepted phraseology is "come hell or high water," but "hail" makes so much more sense to me. Natural disaster + natural disaster versus death + natural disaster. I've changed it to "hail" for myself. Why? Because I can.] I'm willing it to happen. I will not break this goal. I will work during my working years and my retirement years. I will help others all I can. Lord willing, I will spend my retirement providing free childcare for a future single momma around my age now, so she can work and save and not have to worry about the most worrisome time of life. But I can figure all that out when the time arrives. It's my plan, at least!

Why should I be made to feel "less than" for having such high standards for myself, my daughter, and my/our future?

Sorry, boyz. I'm standing strong. Row your boat to my island, or row right on by and leave me be.

Cheers,
-Kelsey

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Wow, where to start? Today was awesome and fun and busy and hectic and tiring and amazing. Perhaps the best Christmas Eve of all time! Today was about as "typical Kelsey" as a day can get. It felt good!

This morning I meant to get up super early and get a lot done. Did that happen? Nope. Slept in until 6:30 at first, when I discovered Kimmy standing at the foot of the bed playing with my blanket. I'm still unclear whether she was awake or sleepwalking. I told her to get back in bed, and then I didn't get up until 8:00! I took a shower and got completely ready and had to go coax her out of sleep because she was so knocked out. Got her dressed, and our day officially started!

First, we hopped in the car and drove through McDonald's for a lazy-mom breakfast. Then we went to my work, so I could do payroll real quick and for Kimmy to meet a few of my coworkers. You never know what a toddler will do, so I certainly didn't expect Kimmy to waltz right in confidently and hold up her foot to show my coworker her Cinderella light-up shoe. LOL! So random. She happily ate her McD's breakfast and acted like she was perfectly at home in the office with Mommy.

Once we finished up there, it was off to Indy for free admission day at the Children's Museum. We had never been because it's not really in our budget, so I thought free day was a good time to go. Parking was also free, which is a major winner in my book.

We got there a little before 11:00am, and holy crap it was packed. Not just buzzing, but PACKED. If I had claustrophobia, I would not have made it out of the parking garage. I vowed not to let myself get too stressed out (it's really hard to take a young child somewhere all by yourself and not be intimidated or nervous), keep a strict eye on the Kim-bird at all times, and have fun.

And have fun, we did! Actually, "fun" is an understatement. There was so much to do! Kimmy loved everything--the dinosaur and train play tables, the musical instruments, water table, sand, drawing with chalk, the holiday displays, the giant polar bear on the 2nd floor (which we had to go back to 4 times because she was so enthralled), dinosaur bones, blown glass with plastic play versions for kids, the big train car you could walk through, the play castle near where Santa was, and, heck, even the hand dryers in the bathrooms and ramps to and from each floor--and I loved watching her have fun. She had a blast! We probably walked 2 miles seeing everything.

After the first hour of exploration, we got in line to meet Santa. We waited less than an hour, I think, but it was exhausting. There were kids running around everywhere, people getting in and out of line for bathroom breaks and phone calls and who knows what else, and Kimmy was starting to feel tired. I basically split the wait time between watching her like a hawk and grabbing her anytime she tried to run off and holding her on my hip, so she could lay her sleepy head on my shoulder and rest. Hard manual labor with a 30-lb. toddler.

We finally made it to the front of the line, and the much-anticipated first-ever Santa meeting took place. Kimmy LOVED Santa. She was mesmerized. She whispered, "Wowwwwwww." as she walked up to him. (She also stuck her foot up and showed him her Cinderella light-up shoes. They are apparently her most beloved possession right now.) She sat still as a statue as I snapped a picture of her with Santa Claus. She was starstruck and completely in awe. So hilarious to watch her reaction! Also, this Santa was the best ever. He was 100% in character and didn't show the slightest annoyance at any of the children or 4 hours of non-stop photo opps. Very impressive.

We hung out at the museum until 1:00, when Kimmy was just too tired to go on. We never made it to the 4th floor to ride the carousel, but luckily the Jay-jee wasn't even aware there was one up there! Before we left, though, we went to the gift shop. I have to say that I am a pro at finding the coolest cheap things to get at museum/aquarium/zoo gift shops, and this was no exception. I'm pretty proud of that skill. But what made my finds even better was the nice mother in the line next to me who used her museum member pass on my purchase to save me 15%. It was such a nice gesture! In my opinion, the best moms are the ones who help each other out and have each other's backs. I hope mystery mom and her kiddos have the best Christmas ever because her small kindness made my day a whole lot brighter, especially after several stressful hours of wading through throngs of people bouncing around like pinballs because of their unpredictable toddlers' footpaths.

As we were walking the skywalk over to the parking garage, I noticed that Kimmy was slowing down, down, down until she was barely even picking up her feet to walk. Hilarious! I carried her the 500 ft. back to the car, and she was asleep in about 5 minutes.

Okay, so all week I had been planning to go to the 4:30pm Christmas Eve service at our church, but as I was driving home today, the GPS was giving me a 2:37pm ETA to our apartment. I decided that I could most likely get us home, changed into church clothes, and to the church just about right on time for the 3:00pm service. Challenge accepted, self.

In typical Kelsey fashion, I caught every red light in town on the way home. We arrived at 2:45, but I somehow got us to church at 3:00pm on the dot. BOOM!

If you know me, you know my Christmas Eve traditions include church hopping to as many candlelight services as possible and singing as much Christmas music as possible. Kim and I used to go to as many as 5 services in one night! So, I've seen it all, or so I thought. This service was way different, though.

Sherwood Oaks put on an AWESOME service! Not your same-old-same music. No candles, but the Wham City Lights phone app. I loved it!!!!! Probably my favorite service ever. The best part was the last song with the app with all the color-changing phone screens. The music was like Christmas carols meets Jersey house music. So much fun! The 8-ish year old boy in front of me was jumping up and down and fist pumping the whole time. It was hilarious! I left with a big smile my face and in my heart. I love a lot of things about Bloomington, Indiana, but the number 1 on my list is my church home.

After church, we ran to Kroger. I know, I know...shopping on Christmas Eve. But I really couldn't help it. My Thirty-One and PartyLite commissions hit my bank account today, and Kimmy was 100% out of allergy medicine. I grabbed that, and Kimmy and I picked out our cake mix and icing for Jesus's birthday cake that we're making tomorrow. I really wanted to make it symbolic and do red velvet cake with pure white icing to be able to chat about the blood and the blanketing of our sins with forgiveness, yadda, yadda, yadda. I guess I temporarily forgot that I have a very girly 2-year-old who is very into pretty, sparkly things as my best mate. She picked out white cake mix and bright purple icing with big multi-colored sprinkles. Well, first she picked out bright pink icing with pink sugar sprinkles, which I smoothly nixed (by showing her a few better options like purple and blue) because I'm not big on pink. Purple it is.

Here comes the interesting part: I was sitting in the backseat buckling Kimmy into her carseat after our shopping trip, when an impatient person started pulling into the parking spot next to us. Door wide open and me being the [too] nice person I am, I pulled the door closer to me. Well, the wind blew it shut completely. Annnnnd, let's just say the child safety lock feature works perfectly in my car. Yep. Locked in the backseat with my child, despite the unlocked door.

Well, being that Kimmy's carseat is in the middle seat and is rear-facing, that left about a 1 ft. space from the top of her seat to the ceiling...a space that I was forced to dive through face first to transport myself to the front of my unlocked-from-the-outside car.

Yes, this really happened. I could not make it up. This is my life.

I'm sure my child now thinks I am the weirdest human being on the planet based on her facial expression as this was happening. My antics may push her into teenage embarrassment mode well before her time. I could definitely see this happening. Go ahead and laugh!

When we got home (at 5:00pm, which is an awesome time to be in for the night on Christmas Eve, by the way), we had our fancy cheese and crackers platter (Pierce traditional Christmas Eve dinner) and a whole lot of blueberries, followed by couch cuddles and Christmas movies. As I got my lovey ready for bed, I gifted her with a Christmas sticker book, Maisy's Christmas. She absolutely loved it! I see a fun new tradition in our Christmas Eve bedtime wind-down! She thought the stickers she could insert into the story were ultra-cool. Toddler moms: I highly recommend this book!

As I was tucking my sweet child in bed, I asked her what her favorite part of our day was. She said, "I saw Santa!" So, there's that.

After she went to bed, I finally got her gifts wrapped and put under the tree. As I sat back down on the couch to watch a Hallmark movie, I had a stunning realization:

I. Am. So. Sore.

My feet are Disneyworld sore. My back is 9th-month pregnancy sore. My biceps are Arnold Schwarzenegger sore. However, my heart is overflowing. Single mom busy-day, non-workout workout for the win. I wouldn't trade this day for all the money in the world.

Merry Christmas, friends! I hope your day was as amazing as ours.

More later.
-Kels

What it means to be a single momma

So I've been doing the single mom thing for 3 and a half months now. Because of the way my disastrous relationship with cheaterman wound down, I was pretty much already in the single mom role for quite a while...I just didn't really know it at the time.

When someone checks out in a relationship, the teamwork meter plummets. Zip. Zilch. Nada. No collaborative work in parenting, finances, household management, discipline, anything. Suffice it to say that I'm used to setting the pace for my household.

Since being thrust into this role, I continually have friends and loved ones in my ear saying things like...

"You're so strong!"

 "I could never do all that you do and hold it together."

"Aren't you mad or bitter? You don't act like it. I'd be livid."

"You're doing awesome! Being a single mom must not be as bad as it's made out to be."

Not to discount those incredible compliments, but...

Yeah--let's talk.

I appreciate the admiration, but things are a whole lot different from my perspective. The ire is there. The rage exists. The self-pity comes bubbling up in my darkest moments. I'm human; I promise. It is hard; I assure you. Let me break it down a little bit:

1. I don't ever get a break. Ever. Being forced to continue out this lease with cheaterman (let's shorten it to CM...I'm tired of the time it takes to even type out the word) only exacerbates that issue. Even when I don't have to technically be "on" in my mom role with Kimmy (like when CM is giving Kimmy a bath and doing her bedtime routine), I really do still have to be on. There is no companion to take the load off me long enough for me to go be by myself and decompress. There's no one there to even respect that that is a need I have.

I have a constant internal storm raging in my head, but I have to keep my emotions and reactions in check so that Kimmy doesn't see how on edge I am. Example: CM sings constantly. Loudly. Obnoxiously. Perhaps to purposely annoy me (as if he hasn't already done enough to show his disrespect for me)! The lyrics are frequently sexually explicit, full of swear words. (Kimmy actually sings some of these songs, though she doesn't know the words. But I have to say, "Oh, Mommy doesn't like that song. Let's sing a different one." Thankfully, that usually leads to a spirited rendition of "Jesus Loves Me." But I digress.)

I feel like I need to make it more clear. The singing is CONSTANT. The noise pollution is enough to make me want to punch a hole in every wall in this house. Add on some other things that CM gets huffy and puffy about that I'm apparently doing incorrectly (as if he really deserves to be able to scrutinize me), like the fact that I rarely find time to do the dishes when I'm about to collapse at the end of the day, and I'm a veritable walking thunderstorm.

I want to EXPLODE--release the Kraken, if you will. Can I really do that, though? No, I can't. What do I do instead? Play it cool for my sweet Kimmy. After all, we share a room. I said I don't get a break, right? It's true. Not even when I'm sleeping.

2. Slightly different than never getting a break: I'm always busy. Pushed-to-the-max, on-overdrive busy. When I'm not wiping a snotty nose with a "chih-chyoo" or reading a book or playing chase or making toddler snack foods or changing a diaper or doing a bedtime routine or taking the child to an appointment or letting her do something all by herself that would take a nanosecond for me to do all by myself, I'm...
     at work full time,
     trying to squeeze in an errand of my own,
     working on our financial planning,
     doing a marketing plan for the month for my Thirty-One business,
     reading up on my training materials for my new PartyLite business,
     hosting an online party for one of the said side businesses,
     trying to catch up on my reading for my church small group,
     going to church on Wednesdays and Sundays,
     clipping coupons and planning grocery trips on a budget,
     dreaming about the hot shower that I don't have time to take,
     paying bills,
     meal planning or cooking,
     tossing in a load of laundry when there are zero clean clothes and wildly hoping that I can stay awake long enough to put it in the dryer to be able to have something to wear the next day,
     worrying, praying, stressing, and worrying some more.

My purse is literally full of post-it notes and short lists I've jotted down for myself on scratch paper in the vain hope of being able to remember all there is that I have to do on a daily basis.

My work calendar is color-coded in an attempt to help me keep my head on straight. I have a bagillion reminders set on my phone. I set 4 alarms every morning as a contingency to the repeated snooze-hitting habit that has spurned from sheer exhaustion. Let's not even talk about the Notes app on my phone. I'm surprised my head hasn't twisted clear off my neck.

I feel late, disorganized, underprepared, confused, forgetful, behind, and to be frank, the exact opposite of "strong" or "graceful" or "poised" or "put together" or "admirable" almost all of the time.

3. I'm constantly paranoid that someone will pity me. Let's face it: people look at your left ring finger. You turn a certain age...we'll say 20-something...and, especially when you're a woman, people look at the ring finger. When you have a 2-year-old in tow everywhere you go, people know. They know you're a single mom. They don't know how or why or for how long, but they know. Then there's that look they give you. The annoyed or distracted expression that suddenly softens ever so slightly, enough for you to see that they wouldn't wish what they perceive your situation to be on anyone on this earth.

I'll just come right out with it: Don't pity me. Please, don't pity me. That's the worst thing you can do for a single momma's heart. It leaves her feeling that someone thinks she's lost, hopeless, unstable, or even searching. I am not any of those things. I may be a bit rattled, stressed, or anxious, but I am far from any of those things.

And I am certainly not searching. I have the Cross before me, my family and friends beside me, and the world behind me. The Promise is greater than the problems. You think I'll be living paycheck to paycheck in heaven? Wrong-o. You think I'll have endless tasks on my meaningless to-do list? Nope. I'll be free as a bird, not a care in the world.

Pity him. Cheaterman. He is the hopeless one. He is the one without. He is missing out on his future. Not me.

--

All that being said, here's my single momma number 4:

I am the most honest, raw, real, shameless, humble, selfless woman you will ever meet.

And here's a secret: all single mommas are. Or at least all the ones who give this unchosen job every ounce of their effort.

Why? We have nothing to hide.

When you're stretched to the breaking point every second of the day, you are stripped of all illusions and pretenses.

When you do everything in your power to be the best version of you for your child 24/7--when you commit to putting yourself on the back burner to care for her and ensure her happiness at all costs--love takes hold and steers your every move. Yes, you will make mistakes. Yes, you will at times be [embarrassingly] impatient. But no one can ever take away your motherhood, your character, your core. No one can ever argue that you don't love your child abundantly and without limits. Top that off with God's limitless love, and there is absolutely no reason under the sun to be ashamed of the label that will now stick with you through your entire life, no matter what future relationship(s) or circumstances may come.

Am I a single mom? Yes--and proud of it! Single mom means my child will never be without or lacking. I will never, ever give up on her...on us.

<3,
Kels