Just be free

I have some questions.

Where in our culture did we become so backward and messed up that we are all conditioned to rely on others for our happiness, for our validation, for our self-worth?

Why are we not instead conditioned from childhood to be freely and fully ourselves and to only settle in with someone when he/she makes us feel wholey and completely okay being our true selves?

What is the actual purpose of comprimising who you innately are just to please another human being?

Why is one-on-one companionship the ultimate goal of society as a whole; is it not better to have a firm sense of self and a handful of the best friends you could ever hope to have?

What if fixing yourself first is the key to being companion-able in the first place?

What if you're single fo' life--are you happy with who you are as a person right here and now? Can you actually function on your own? Because you might be all you've got.

--

The older I get, the more comfortable I feel in my own skin. There is no feeling like it.

I go to bed happy at night. I wake up happy in the morning. I wear the most comfortable clothes ever that make me feel so utterly good inside and out. "Good morning, self. Don't feel like wearing make-up today? Great! I think I won't!"

I listen to the music I want. I cook meals I want and try foods I want to try. I laugh when something strikes me funny. I spend time reading about things I'm interested in. I spend time talking to family and friends. If I have a travel destination on the brain, I find a way to make it happen.

Am I self-centered? No way. I care about others so much, but, historically, it's been at the expense of me. Since I've started making sure my own person is cared for, I have felt so truly free. Free from others' opinions and advice. Free from societal pressures. Free from fear.

Because who cares what type of boundaries other people have for my life? I literally do not care. I lie my head down on my pillow at night bound to my own voice of conscience inside my head, not anyone else's. I am my own stakeholder: the sole proprietor of my headspace.

And I would never want to be with someone who is not exactly as happy being himself as I am being myself. While I'm over here living my life to the fullest, I know the things I'm doing are the things that will shape me that I can share with someone someday if the universe sees fit.

Que sera, sera.

More later,

Kels

Will I have more children one day?

A few months ago, I took my annual vacation with my family to Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg, TN. I don't remember where I was or what we were doing at the specific time I'm going to delve into a backstory on, but Kimmy was acting up. She was a little ornery and overtired on that trip and wasn't at her peak behavior by any stretch of the imagination--typical 3-year-old life.

There was another kid close to us, younger than Kimmy, who got her attention. While Kimmy observed the other kid, she got quiet. Some man or woman (honestly the details are a little foggy for me here, haha!) nearby saw the whole thing said something along the lines of, "Well, well, well...now you know what you need to keep her happy: another one!" Meaning another child. I just smiled and laughingly agreed while sharing "the look" with my grandma.

So let's break this down a little. Was this person trying to give me serious advice about my life or tell me that I needed ot go home and reproduce immediately to make my daughter behave better? No. Was this person trying to get into my personal business? No. It was an innocent remark. If anything, they were probably trying to relate to me as a fellow parent and say something pleasant that would help me realize that Kimmy's behavior was a little bad, but typical of a child her age and that they recognized me as her mom and wanted to say something to acknowledge that. It was definitely out of a place of friendliness being that we were in good ol' Tennessee, so I didn't think too far into it or take offense over the fact that, no, I'm not going to be poppin' out babies any time soon because I'm too busy being a mom and student and household manager all on my own for now. My main point with this backstory: it was an innocent remark that I didn't dwell on, but something that sparked a chain of thought within me.

Over the next several weeks, I caught myself thinking about my long-term goals a lot. Perhaps related to the this exchange, but more likely associated with the fact that I was taking midterms for b-school and had recently pinned down what my actual, real, live, solid career goals are. The future is looking really, really bright and stable! So, I've just been thinking about where I'll be and what I'll be doing in the future.

One lingering question has been "Will I have more children one day?"

For a while the answer was an unshakable, "YES! Of course I will. Why wouldn't I? I'll come across a man who treats me right one day, and we'll get married and have children. Plus, how could I be so selfish as to not give Kimmy a sibling?" While this may very well be the case, I can't and don't want to plan and bank on a future that I'm not in charge of. Who knows if I'll meet someone awesome one day? Who really cares? I'm happy right here and now. I don't need huge changes in my life to transform me to a happy state. While this scenario may enable me to still be happy, it doesn't define my ultimate happiness.

When I stumbled upon this stunning epiphany, a whole new possibility of thought opened up for me!

My answer transitioned into, "I would absolutely love to have more children one day and wouldn't be opposed to it, but I'm not forcing the issue. I have Kimmy, and she is everything I need."

Going even deeper into my non-need to have another child, there have been multiple pivotal events and circumstances around me and involving me recently that are pushing me toward other possibilities for my future:

1. Kimmy's going to be starting school in less than 2 years. This is huge. This means I won't need full-time childcare for her anymore. This means she'll be older and more self-sufficient: dressing herself, reading, writing, learning, forming her own thoughts and opinions, and becoming a big girl. This means we'll be out of the "baby" stage. My house can be cleaner. We can travel more. We can do more extra-curricular activities. Life will be just so much more flexible.

2. Babies are expensive, and not giving your child siblings does not make her "less than." Yes, Kimmy would love to have a sibling around full-time, but having vs. not having siblings doesn't set someone up for happiness or success in life. Only children also have extraordinarily fun childhoods and grow into extraordinarily awesome adults. Some of my very best friends are only children, and they missed out on nothing in their sibling-less upbringings. What's more, Kimmy now has a half-sibling. (And I didn't have to do a thing--ha!) I imagine Kimmy will grow to have a great relationship with her half-sibling, and I hope and pray that that is what happens. At the same time, how awesome will it be for Kimmy to get to come home to our house and have the quiet of her own home where she is the single child there? I think she's got it made whether or not that changes!

3. Back to a longer-term outcome of the more flexible life I speak of in #1 and the expensiveness factor of babies in #2, no further children gives me better projected financial health. Home ownership. Kimmy's college fund. Travel money. When I had the opportunity to travel to Cambodia and spend time with so many incredible and amazing girls who had been rescued from sex and labor trafficking, I was stricken with an overwhelming urge to help girls in need. Underpriviliged and at-risk girls, orphans, girls overcoming adversity, etc. There are so, so, so many children and young adults in this world who need someone to be there for them. If I'm focusing on adding to my own family or raising new infants I've birthed, I'm spending more time and money on me and my blood relatives. I'm not helping cure that spark in my heart that is so strong that I couldn't ever shake it if I tried. I have to do something else with my life. When Kimmy's older and can join me, even better. Maybe we'll even be a foster family or adoptive family one day. I don't know. But I know that I can show my love to children in so many other ways than just having more of my own.

[This has been a draft for a while as I've stewed and tried to think of more to add. I'm happy with this, though. In the words of the great Anne Lamott, "Perfectionism is the voice of the opressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft."]

-Kels

In-depth coverage: a year in review

Really deep in my head today. Trudging through the memories of the most pivotal and amazing year of my life so far. I feel so well-equipped for absolutely anything that may fall in my path from here forward. I've spent time in the trenches and pulled myself out each and every time with the help of God, friends, and family. But you know what? A lot with the help of just me. I'm finally giving myself the credit I'm due. I'm liberated. I'm free. I'm empowered. I'm owning my flaws and barreling through every obstacle. I know the definition of true grit inside and out. I'm resilient. I'm strong. Nothing beats this feeling.

Highlights
January - New chapter, new house, the voyage of Kimmy and me.

May - A glimpse of the way I want my life to be in the future (in retirement or whenever that chapter may come). Spent time on a mission in Cambodia being a voice for some amazing and powerful girls whose voices were stripped from them. Learned the meaning of being the hands and feet. Loved others before loving myself. Truly the most amazing experience of my entire life thus far. I would go back in a heartbeat, and I will go back at the soonest opportunity without hesitation.

July - Accepted to grad school. With my team, won the case competition against 18 other teams in our tournament and one of 2 team winners among all 36 teams. Really humbling experience to be around so many professionals, yet to realize that I've genuinely got what it takes to hold my own.

August - First real vacation with my daughter. We did Disney. We had a blast. We didn't spend every penny we have. We made memories. I single-handedly traveled on a very huge trip, air travel and all, with a toddler, and we made it back happily and safely. One of my proudest accomplishments ever, no joke.

September - Started the realest juggling act of my adult life: single mothering full-time, work full-time, school full-time, 2 side jobs, and so much more--and I made it work. I somehow kept the plates spinning. What a grueling, satisfying challenge!

November - Turned 27 and reached a huge epiphany: I don't have to be defined by society's standards of a 27-year-old woman. I can let the pressure go. I can release myself. I don't need to be married, barefoot, and pregnant. I don't need anything at the current juncture. I define myself. There's no race to be won. There's no race at all! I can decide everything for myself. I need no advice or outside opinions. Everything I have is within me and before me. This month changed my entire outlook on life and freed my heart. (More on this in another post later.)

December - Took a solo daycation to Chicago (a lifelong dream destination, both for food and for art) and truly had one of the very best days of my whole life. Time waits for no man. Kelsey waits for no man. Kelsey doesn't need a man. As long as I have myself, my adventurous spirit can never steer me wrong. Scared to go somewhere new all alone? WHY??! What on earth are you waiting for?! GO!!!!!!!!!!! You will never regret it ever! Live YOUR life on YOUR terms! This month is still in progress, obviously, but I can't help but mention that I've also taken up a recent [surprising] interest in physical fitness and am killin' my goals. I'm also all set for the greatest Christmas ever with my darling daughter. I cannot wait for all that's ahead of us.

But as much as this is a year in review, it is also a life in review. A life well lived. It's a hard life. It's a stressful life. But it's a beautiful one. There is beauty in every moment, every breath, every breeze. It's everywhere if you just open your eyes, open your heart, open your mind, open your arms, and let life in. If there is no wind, row. Make your own way and allow yourself to enjoy it.

I'm in love with life. I'm in love with living! I am tied to no one and no thing. Only the passing of the hours and all that each solitary moment holds. The very idea of soaking up everything here is exhilarating, and I can't get enough of this world. All the people in it. All the places to be explored. I yearn to touch it all.

I'm happy. Happier than I've ever been in my adult life. How did I even get here? (Through a whole lot of bad.) Was it pretty? (No.) Was it messy? (Undeniably so.) The path was long and hard and incredibly daunting and imperfect, but I have arrived. I have felt every emotion in the book this year without exception. Every valley and high, I have experienced. Dark, depressing weekends when my daughter was away, and I spent 48 hours lying in my bed simply existing with the deafening, noisy thoughts inside my head until I could go pick her up and fall back into our normal pace. The last evening in Cambodia with my soul sisters, such beautiful daughters of Christ, when half of us were sobbing, half were smiling, we all were praying and singing to Jesus--when the evening sky turned the most vibrant bright pink, and I could have sworn we saw the face of God right there on that slab of cement. Direct juxtapositions of huge, heavy emotions and off-the-wall experiences that make absolutely no sense side by side. But this is my life. It's the only one I've got. How can I not love every moment with every fiber of my being?

One burning questions laps at the edges of my mind at all times, but I now have the answer. Am I enough? Of course I am enough. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent (Eleanor Roosevelt). God has blessed me with this incredible life, and I am enough. I am a mother, daughter, sister, friend, adventurer, jokester, writer, art lover, traveler, foodie, dreamer, weirdo, idealist, wit master, and more. And I am enough for all of the people who meet me in those roles. Beyond that, I don't care what anyone thinks because I love me. I am happy with the way I am. I know myself. I love myself. I'm living a genuine and authentic life, totally true to myself, and there's no way I'd rather be.

-Kels

Birthday freebies

With my birthday 5 days away, I figured I'd lighten things up a bit with a fun post! This one's all about birthday freebies.

If you know me, you know I love a deal, and a deal is even better if it's free. I strongly dislike junk email, but at the same time, it's a small price to pay for some pretty cool freebies come birthday time! Also, sometimes when you sign up for an email list, you get a free item or really good coupon just for signing up + a birthday freebie.

Check out my list of fave freebies below and feel free to chime in on the comments with some of yours that I may have missed!

Arby's: Free small milkshake

Auntie Anne's: free pretzel (you have to download the app)

Aver's Pizza (Bloomington, IN): Free lunch or dinner buffet

Baskin Robbins: 1 free scoop of ice cream

Buffalo Wild Wings: Free snack size wings (dine in only)

Chili's: 80 rewards points, which can be used for a free appetizer or dessert (dine in only)

Classic Lanes Bowling (Bloomington, IN): $5 credit (must be used on your birthday)

CVS Pharmacy: $5 ExtraBucks Rewards (store credit)

Dairy Queen: BOGO free Blizzard coupon

Denny's: free grand slam (must be used on your birthday)

DSW: $5 off coupon

Fogo de Chao Brazilian Steakhouse: $25 off lunch or dinner (This one's KILLER! Lunch IS $25, and Dinner is like $50. HUGE savings, especially since my Kimmy is 3 and will eat free.)

G.H. Bass & Company: 20% off shopping pass

Godiva: $10 e-gift card for use in store or online (You better believe I got me some free chocolate!)

Golden Corral: Free adult buffet with purchase of an adult buffet

Great American Cookies: Free cookie cake slice with the purchase of a regular soda

HuHot Mongolian Grill: BOGO free adult entrees

MaggieMoo's: free small cup or cone with unlimited mix-ins

Mastercuts: $3 off a haircut (which I seriously need to take advantage of!)

McAlister's Deli: $5 off a meal

Moe's Southwest Grill: free entree with purchase of a drink (burrito, bowl, taco, quesadilla, etc. One item = an entree, whether a big burrito or a smaller taco)

Noodles & Company: Free regular size bowl of noodles up to $9 (that's enough to add in a protein fo' free, too!)

Olive Garden: Free dessert of your choice (dine in only)

Panera Bread: Free bakery pastry

Payless Shoes: 25% off shopping pass (no excluded items)

Pizza X: Free 4-pack of chocolate chip cookies (No other purchase required as long as you pick up)

Potbelly Sandwich: Free cookie

Red Lobster: $5 off 2 adult entrees (dine in only + not a super great coupon)

Scotty's Brewhouse (Bloomington, IN): $10 credit (dine in only)

Sephora: free birthday sample make-up pack (no purchase required if picked up in store, but "free with purchase" if ordered online)

Shoe Carnival: $5 off $29.98 purchase coupon

Starbucks: free drink or food item (can be used on any one menu item; go for the biggest, most caffeinated thing you desire!)

Steak 'n' Shake: Free double steakburger and small fries

Sushi Bar (Bloomington, IN): free meal on your birthday when you have a 5+ person table

Texas Roadhouse: free appetizer-size order of ribs or regular appetizer with purchase of an adult entree.

TGI Friday's: free dessert with entree purchase

Tidewater Grill (Charleston, WV): discounted adult meal on your birthday (if dining with 1 other person, 50% off; if dining with 2 other people, 33% off, etc.)

WhichWich: Free 7" sandwich 

Okay, that's all I've got for now. There may be more to come before or after my actual birthday! Oh, and if you're wondering, no, I won't be using all of these...but most of them, yes. Enjoy!

-Kels

P.S. If you do any online shopping this holiday season, you had better be using ebates! I even got cash back from my $1.50 overage after applying my Godiva coupon online. Woot woot!

Things I wish I had known (part 1 of more to come eventually)

I wish I had known years ago that when you become an adult, your friends all become too busy for you. Not consciously, of course. Just as a result of having to go out into the world and become something. Everyone moves away, gets married, goes to school for years, works tirelessly to make something of his/her life, and slowly fades away. No one has time for just you because there are always other things that need attention.

(Side note: I have friends. I have excellent, friends-for-life friends. But they live far, far away from me, and it's not the same as when we were young and relatively carefree. And it's certainly not the same as having in-person friends that you can call up on a whim and go adventuring with.)

Add huge life changes to the mix...having a child, moving away, "big-girl jobs"...and each event is automatically more isolating to the nth degree.

Add transitioning to a single parent to the mix, when many of your friends haven't even been struck with baby fever yet, and suddenly most people feel like they don't know how to talk to you any more. They "like" your pictures and comment on how sweet your daughter is. They pray for you. They wish you the best. But there's an understood gap in the closeness from that point forward. Empathy goes hand in hand with experience for most people--just a fact of life. Once you surpass someone's experience, sympathy steps in, and sympathy is usually not comforting at all, at least for me.

Add in the fact that being a single parent leaves you with no partner or equal to unload your brain information on, and the isolation is real. The silence is deafening sometimes. Deep, dark pit lonliness. Screaming mind and empty house with no people in it (or just a 3-year-old in it who only deserves to see my happy face, not the one where I'm glazed over with worry). Heartwrenching need for a real, live human person to interact with, but so many things to do that I don't even have the time for that. There's side-job money to be made. There's mothering to do, errands to run, a house to clean, homework to be done, clothes to be washed, food to put on the table, sleep to be had. Every waking hour is spent trying to make ends meet and worrying ceaselessly when they don't.

You're in a predicament where you need a shoulder all the time, and no one has one available. Whether that's a result of being so wrapped up in a companion for years and letting friendships become secondary or whether everyone really is too busy with their own stuff or whether it just happens with age, it's very alarming to be in a situation where you need a person, but all you seem to have is multiple people over which you have to thinly spread out your burdens for fear of becoming one yourself.

But dumping small things on multiple people and spreading the burden evenly is tiresome. It's like re-telling the state of your headspace over and over, but only on a small scale so as not to freak anyone out with the gravity of it all. Kind of like the tiresomeness of the process of making new friends to begin with. And the censorship of true authenticity because who wants to constantly reveal and never receive?

I'm a strong person, but no person can be all strong, all the time. It's easy to see how people drown in the weight of the world. There's a breaking point, a faultline, a thin little crack, and eventually a sinkhole where no one can find you. However, I choose to believe that I will never find mine.

Sticks and stones can break my bones, but earth can never hurt me. I have Jesus, I have my daughter, and I have writing. Amazing how you can find beauty in the most suffocating spaces. Lonliness forces me to find beauty every day.

This is not my one shot at life with everything outside of my control; my real life is waiting for me in heaven, and it rests perfectly in God's hands and timing.
This is not my predicament until the end of time; I'll spend eternity with my Lord and Savior and all the family who were taken from me too soon.
These are not my problems, for I have none.
There are no friends absent from me--not really; my true friends hold me in their hearts, even if they have no clue what to say or how to help me right now. And who could begrudge someone for that, anyway? We're all out here trying to survive.
I won't always be without people in my everyday life; one day I'll have companionship with the heavenly choir and love music again because my sister will be there, too.

I will not let this dark world steal my light. I know what's to come...I know what awaits me for all the days after my last day. Money, status...it all fades away. I will never stop seeking out the good or searching for joy. Even if I die trying.

I wish I had known that it's far more important to ground yourself in Jesus fully and completely, above all else in life, against all odds--because his is the only shoulder you'll ever need and ever always have.

-Kels

Introspective limits

Sometimes the single mom life is the worst form of mental torture.

My own personal introspective hell.

Think, think, think.

Dwell, dwell, dwell.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

And I'm a 100% introvert who lives on thinking and alone time.

Isolation and solidarity have their limits.

New day, please.

Pulling up the weeds

There's just something so deeply rewarding and richly symbolic about pulling up weeds. As I was working in my garden this afternoon, the thought occurred to me that the work I was doing with my hands had more real-life applications than I'd ever before dared notice. Amazing how getting lost in a physical action so rote, routine, and familiar can take your mind to somewhere completely new that draws you to such profound conclusions. There's an art to slowly pulling up those little plants that grow against all odds, disrupting the perfectness of a well-organized garden variety. The gentle tug and lift of some; the necessary act of digging and roughly pulling with others. So, too, exist the tugs and pulls of life.

Musings on Weeds

If you don't get rid of problems fully and opportunistically, they'll come back over and over until you're forced to deal with them head-on. Removal of weeds from a garden bed requires care and attention. You want to get rid of the whole plant. If you pull too hard, you'll have a handful of greenery, and you may not even see a visible weed remaining in the ground. But, carelessly leave the roots behind, and you'll inadvertently re-establish the cycle of pesky growth--just like problems and problem-people (like those toxic, negative people that you eventually have to truly unfriend) in your life.

When you spend time trudging through the weeds, you notice things you never would have noticed otherwise. Life's not all sunshine and rainbows. There are bad times. There are things you won't want to do or surround yourself with. But when you accept it and rest there...just be there in those less-than-ideal places, you'll still find beauty. Like the dozens of itty bitty buds on my vegetable vines that will be zucchini and squash in the coming weeks. Like the pinky-gray-brown earthworms that live under the earth, silently nurturing my plants' roots. Like the teeny tiny purpley-green clover that so delicately hide among the leaves of other plants. A bird's feather resting gently against a stem. A stone so perfectly round and smooth. Had I spent 2 hours even sitting still in nature on my bum, I wouldn't have noticed these things. It took getting on hands and knees, fingers covered in dirt, spade and cultivator in hand, to have my eyes opened to these little wonders. Beyond the sweat and labor was beauty in its purest form.

Sometimes things that appear to be a certain way are, in reality, something vastly deeper and more complex. Let's take dandelions as an example. They look harmless enough on the surface. They're known to be edible, even, and appear on 5-star menus in dandelion green salads across the country. Zig-zaggy-edged leaves, yellow flowers, and the fun gray puffs that you blow to pollenate the dandelion weed that much further. But have you ever tried manually removing them from your garden? Those plants are a beast! No kidding, I've pulled out roots 1 foot long from my garden. There's more than meets the eye with those suckers! And it's the same in life. Things are rarely merely what they seem to be. Never evaluate something only at face value--you'll be deceived.

Value is subjective. Do I assign value and worth to the weeds in my garden? Nope. The vegetables I've planted, though, are a vision of organic nirvana in my mind. Fresh squash, tomatoes, green beans, and more that I've cultivated from seed to mature plant, that I've watched and inspected after each summer storm and sunny day, that I will pluck straight from the vine and eat in their still-warm form ripened just so from the sun's rays? Bliss. Meanwhile, bees happily dine on the blossoms of the dandelion and clover plants. Birds snatch up any old leaf or twig for a nest accoutrement. Rabbits, who love carrots and other vegetables, will just as easily munch on a fresh patch of regular green grass. Why do we waste so much time stating who or what is so much more important that this or that? We humans are all just trying to get by. There are no weeds, no less-thans. God's grace makes us all equal. The only real value is our value in him, not some false valuing system that exists in our minds and in our culture. Human is human.

Doing the rough stuff gets easier. This was my 4th time doing an in-depth de-weeding of my garden this summer. The first time, there were so many weeds that I didn't dare spend the necessary amount of time to get them all. Had I done so, I could have filled a whole trash bag. I filled 3 Kroger bags to the brim and called it a day. The next time, I filled 2 bags. The 3rd time, 1. Today, half of a bag. I find that this is true with any rough thing in life that I choose to tackle head-on. Budgeting, assessing my debt ratio, having a hard conversation with someone, deep cleaning my house, sticking up for myself, whatever. The more I give it a valiant effort and keep at it on a regular basis, the easier it becomes.

You don't know something/someone's limits until you've seen them weather a storm. This summer has been so rainy. I actually haven't been complaining because the days have been so mild, and my power bill has been so low. There's also almost nothing more refreshing than summer rain--(I do love the dog days, though, and wish it would heat up at least a little)--but it's been torturous to some of my vegetable plants. Peas? What few weren't consumed by chipmunks and made it to the seedling phase were uprooted and overturn in the muddy soil after a single summer storm. Tomatoes? One plant snapped clear in half (though I did manage to tie it to the stake in a way that made the stem graft back onto itself, and it's still alive and even has a handful of blooms). Watermelon? The shrimpy growth would make you think I planted them a week ago, instead of a month ago. Eggplant? Very few even sprouted, the soil was so wet. Herbs? Surviving, not thriving. (You catch my drift.) My dandelions and other weeds whose names I haven't even bothered to learn? Sturdy and sprightly as I don't even know what. There are no words to describe how well they've flourished in the near-flooded conditions of this summer. Certain things and people crumble under pressure; others thrive. You often don't know which it'll be until the water gets hot. Why label people? Let them be. Let their reactions to their circumstances show you who they are. It might just save you from eating your foot!

I love that I've found an activity that helps me think with such clarity. I actually can't wait until it's time to weed my garden again! (See? Rough stuff = easier.) I think I'll use that time to also pull up the weeds in my head and clear my mind.

More later,
-Kels