Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Lost pieces

So, it's been a while. A LONG while. There's so much on my mind that, despite the skilled writer in me, I'm not sure where to start. Let's do a very brief summary to bring you up to speed:
  • In March, I got engaged.
  • In May, that same man who proposed to me began a new relationship, unbeknownst to me.
  • In August, things came to a head. I learned the cause of his bizarre, dismissive, borderline emotionally abusive behavior.
  • After 3 months of bold-faced lies and a whole mess of wasted time and energy and emotion, things were over.
 To put it simply,

THANK GOD.

But things in my life are rarely that simple, as is also the case here.

My sweet Kimmy Jarae is caught in the middle of this giant mess and her father's poor decision-making, a decision where he chose a "woman" who would blatantly and selfishly choose herself over the happiness and well-being of his own daughter, his flesh and blood. I fear my Jay-jee girl will be heartbroken time and again throughout her life, and there is no way for me to shield her from the repeated blows. (Also, we are trapped in a lease with cheaterman until July 24, 2015. For real. Yuck.)

Here's our Band-Aid fix: I have moved in with Kimmy. That's right--my 2-year-old and I share a room. I'm okay with that because she is awesome, and she's such a happy little bunk mate.

I am not okay with being under someone's thumb, though. I'm much too independent for that, and he deserves never to know where I am or what I am doing. But I'm focusing all my energy on being a damn good mom, excelling in my job, paying off debt and living on a tight budget, drawing nearer to Jesus, and being strong and happy and self-sufficient for my wonderful child.

 --

So that brings me to my next theme: lost pieces.

Do you know how exhausting it is spending 6 and a half years caring about someone who stopped caring long ago? Do you know the feeling of emptiness from all the pieces of yourself you have given away to someone who will toss them in the nearest dumpster at the first opportunity?

(Let me be clear: I am not sad about this grueling relationship being over. I am not grieving the loss of that person. He is not the same person now that I used to love, and I had been spiraling quickly into unhappiness over those last few months at the concept of being "stuck" with the person he is now for life. Finally knowing what caused his personality shift? That's all the closure I needed! Trust when I say, "I am over it." I could not be more over it. You may think I'm in denial. I'm not. Therefore, I have no need to convince you of such. No metaphor or simile or literal statement could describe how self-aware and in tune with my feelings I am, and that's the God-honest truth.)

The emptiness I'm talking about is the absence of me...pieces of me. The realization of the sheer number of jokes, dreams, laughs, memories, musings, feelings, and pieces of my character and my being and my true self that I have given away to that pair of ears. The amount of time I have spent with that other person. The wasted time and wasted energy that I cannot take back. I can't say, "Oh, hey. Give my back those 1290735 hours I spent with you, so I can re-shape some memories that don't include you. Give me my words and actions back. I need a re-do with people who I know have my back and always will."

This seems to be an ongoing theme in my life. This emptiness occurs after a death, too. Or when 2 friends grow too busy for each other and fall out of touch, and neither is blameless. When my sister died, she quite literally took all those pieces of me with her to the grave, and I will take just as many to my grave. There were so many things just the two of us shared that no one else ever knew about or could understand or really even deserves to know about. So many memories we experienced that no one else can touch. The only difference is that it wasn't wasted with Kim. I will treasure the ache of those lost pieces always because I know I can have them back when I see her in heaven. And by some odd phenomenon, I am still complete in my emptiness with her--nothing was wasted...only halted.

With my now-combusted relationship, I will never have, nor want those lost pieces again.

That knowledge still doesn't magically erase my emptiness, but it does give me some wisdom to take with me into my life from here forward: it matters who you choose as the keeper of your pieces of yourself. If you can't trust that someone can cherish your pieces like you deserve, you don't need them in your life. If someone doesn't respect your pieces, they aren't worth the time and energy you would exhaust to grant them those tiny shards of your self, your being, your soul.

It's one of the biggest risks we ever take...opening up to another human being. Granting them access to heart and soul and mind and time. I don't regret anything in my life, for each day is a lesson learned. I only regret not having the hindsight I have now. But, really, what fun would life be if we lived with foresight? This is just another chapter in Kelsey's Grand Adventure.

e.e. cummings said it best in "i carry your heart." I carry my sister's heart and my mother and father and brother's hearts. I carry my daughter's heart and my best friends' hearts. My grandmother. My old friends and a select few new. And I know for a fact that they carry mine, too.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
-e.e. cummings
It's onward and upward from here, my dears. I will likely never again give away so many pieces of me to one single person, and I will be all the better for it. I'm not hardened; I'm in charge. I'm not damaged; I'm setting my own precedent. I am most certainly not jaded; I've just burned a bridge with one single, solitary person in this big, huge walk of life, which is full to the brim of ten times as many beautiful people.

I'm reclaiming me...un-apologetically so.

Over and out.
-Kels