Life is good. Life is really, really good.
In our hard times, it's difficult to see the light through the darkness. Money troubles. Relationship troubles. Dichotomy between where you thought you would be and where you actually are. Chaos where you always thought there would be order.
I can't tell you how many times over the last few years I've thought or said, "If only I had $___." If only I could pay this off. If only I felt unburdened by X, Y, and Z. If only I didn't have to worry about such and such.
I have prayed over my finances for about 2 years now. I've cried and agonized and gritted my teeth and worried myself sick...physically sick, to the point I could have been a poster girl for Zantac 150. I've budgeted and skimped and saved and done without, but I've prayed and prayed through all my strife. I had gotten to the point where I didn't even bother uttering words for my financial prayers; I just spoke with my heart because God knows my heart.
"If only I had $____."
Well, guess what? I just got $____ through my tax refund. Prayer answered. And what did it take? Several years of terrible financial troubles, bringing an unplanned [but never unwanted] child into the world, unemployment, not enough employment to do anything but strike evven, barely scraping by, unthinkable betrayal and the end of a long friendship/relationship. Terrible things...that led to head of household tax status...single parent status...a literal answer to my financial prayers, and an open door and unburdened soul for much, much bigger and better things to come. My tax refund was basically the exact amount I have prayed for for years: that token accumulation of funds that would relieve my financial stress. I'm not kidding.
The path is crystal clear in retrospect: just what God ordered for my life. His perfect timing; his perfect method. Would any person ever put themselves through all that and know that this would be the perfect outcome? Umm, no. That's unthinkable! In the midst of enduring it all, this outcome was not even on my plane of vision, and I think the enemy thrives on that negative energy--the idea we 21st Centurians walk around with that our lives are defined by our wealth (or lack thereof), possessions (ditto), relationships, how many movies and TV shows we can quote, the number of friends and followers on our social media, and just all this stuff that doesn't even matter at all!
I'm happy to say that my life--my success--is defined by Christ alone.
Is it coincidental that all of my challenges over the last 3 years led me to exactly where I am today? Is it serendipity that my life suddenly just really turned around and became this really great thing that I am so sincerely excited about living every single day?
Absolutely not. Want to know when a change stirred within me? When I "let go and let God." It sounds corny. (It probably sounds ridiculous to the non-believer.) It is positively true of my life, though. A friend happened to lead me to a church on Easter Sunday last year, and I was finally so spirtually nourished that I had no choice but to let my troubles fall to the wayside and give over all that pain and frustration and chaos to God.
I have never lived so lean in all my life: this house's budget is tight. But I have never felt more full in all my life. I don't dread waking up in the morning. I have friends. I have purpose and a place. I have amazing coworkers and the best benefits package from my employer imaginable. My sweet daughter brightens my every moment. I have passion for my hobbies again. I have goals for my future. I have confidence. I am loved. I have love in my heart. I have love to give. I have clothes on my back and hot water in my pipes and coffee in my cupboard and music on my computer and in my head and coming out of my mouth. I'm funny. I'm happy. I'm unashamed of being me. Life is really, really good, and the best part is that I'm not pretending. Being here and feeling this way and having absolute assurance in my faith and my eternal future is worth every single bump in the road in my rearview mirror.
I'm pretty sure I could give examples of all the "God things" in my life over the last half a year, ever since I really got serious about attending church and growing my roots, and make jaws hit the floor. I'm not talking about supernatural occurrences here, just other things--like the money thing--that keep happening. I'm talking about his plans falling into a clear path beneath my feet that, through trust, I am walking on more and more steadily, and it's really making all the difference in my life. I don't believe in coincidence; I believe in free will. When things appear to be coincidence, I belive that that is when human will and God's will align. My life is aligned. My soul is aligned.
Anyway, all of this is to point out one key word: trust. Trust is key. We look for trustworthiness in humans all our lives, but people let us down without fail. I don't have a single close person in my life who has never broken my trust in some miniscule way. There is no trust like the trust we can put in God. If you're looking for something your soul craves (honesty, trust, love, attention, acceptance, guidance, validation, worth) in someone, I hate to break it to you, but you're looking in the wrong place. There is only one way to quench the soul.
I'm looking forward to letting go even more and trusting and walking where I am led to go. Why? Why would this Type A control freak want to let go more? Because it's working.
I'm taking my first big step this May, when I'll be spending 10 days in Cambodia and meeting young girls who have endured horrible things through the industry of human trafficking. No human should be forced to deal with what these girls have dealt with. But, I think this is where I need to be. I'm so looking forward to committing scripture to heart and memory over the next 3 months, so I'll have the right words to say. I cannot wait to follow this call and be a messenger. I have dreamed about this journey from the first time I went to church camp around age 11/12 and first heard the concept of missions work. I think--I hope--my life experiences are for such a bigger purpose than I even know right now. I'm so excited to share my testimony with these girls and show them the freedom I have in my soul through Christ, despite anything that's happened in my past...the huge imperfections in my life that are made perfectly okay through the precious grace and forgiveness of Jesus.
I've tucked away this urge for years, deep in my heart and mind, and I think now's the time to act on it! I've done plenty of living for me in my life; I can't wait to see what happens when I start living for others just as much. And all that is to underscore the concept of trust. I'm trusting my curiosity and the tug in my heart and trusting that funding will work out and trusting that this is my path. The rest is up to the one in whom I trust, and guess what? He's never failed me.
Keep me in your prayers, peeps!
Much love.
-Kels
Showing posts with label Church. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Church. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Thursday, December 26, 2013
This Christmas
Wow, where to start? The last week (or however long it's been since I last posted) has been so eventful--full of good and bad.
Miss Kimmy came down with a stomach virus on Friday. As soon as I left for work, she projectile vomited twice. Brooke is a saint for cleaning up that mess. Baby puke is no fun!
Little miss and I left for WV Friday after I got off work, and while she didn't puke in the car, she was NOT feeling well at all the whole weekend. She barely drank water on Saturday. She wouldn't eat. She finally started drinking water Sunday, except it made her vomit. Her poor little tummy was so upset. She must not have gotten too dehydrated, though, because she still went #2 just once a day. It was diarrhea, but still, much better than constant diarrhea with rash and all that. She's better now and has been eating like a little piggy!
I started having tummy troubles on Sunday that are still not fully resolved as of today. Jarrell, too. We're kind of a mess. I had to call off work on Monday, despite needing the money. Since Brooke was coming to watch Kimmy already, I used that morning to finish Christmas shopping, but I battled extreme nausea and bathroom runs all day. Ugh! We made a huge Christmas dinner yesterday, despite our stomachs turning us against even wanting to cook. Since our appetites are so dormant right now, we barely ate anything. We sat at the table forcing bites down. It was pretty pitiful! I must have overdone it because I threw up almost immediately after waking up this morning. (Sadly, I puked in the sink because it came up so quickly, and I'm pretty sure I clogged up the sink. Gonna have to call and have it looked at.) But, I'm sure we'll feel better in a few days.
We had a fun time in WV, despite Kimmy being so sick! We (really, Gugs and Mom) made Christmas goodies, like cookes and peanut-butter balls. Dad and I took my car to be serviced (state inspection, oil change, and tire rotation) and spent so much time farting around at Lowe's, Home Depot, and Rite-Aid that my car was done while we were still out, so we didn't have to go back out all day.
Kimmy and I had a LONG drive back on Sunday. I was so happy to get off the road and relax. It was also nice to get back to Jarrell.
Christmas Eve was spent cleaning, doing laundry, and making final Christmas preparations. Kimmy and I had a nice day together, but I kept thinking to myself all day, "I can't wait for her to open up her new toys tomorrow, so we'll have some new material to make believe and play with!"
We decided against going out to church, since Jarrell didn't get home from work until almost 8:00pm. Instead, I led a candlelight service in our living room right before Kimmy's bedtime. We prayed, sang, read Luke chapter 2, and took communion (saltine crackers and sparkling red grape juice). It was so nice! Kimmy whined the entire time because she was sleepy, so I was glad we were home, instead of being disruptive in church. It was also SO cold outside. I'm sure God appreciated the time we took to honor Jesus that evening.
I was giddy that night. I couldn't fall asleep until about 2:30am, and I was up by 7:00. I was just so excited for Kimmy's reaction! Santa Claus came around midnight and left Kimmy some great goodies: a play kitchen, a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal, and a Curious George stuffed animal.
Once my crew finally woke up a little after 8:00 on Christmas morning, we got to see how Kimmy liked her stuff! She didn't have much of a reaction at first--I think she didn't know if it was hers or not. Once she noticed her new babies in the floor, though, she went straight for George! I'm sad to say that after a long run in 1st, Mickey Mouse is now a strong 2nd place. Curious George and Kimmy have so much in common that I guess it was an inevitable switch.
She LOVES her kitchen! We had to pry her away from it to open up her play food, doll house, blocks, hug-me Elmo, 101 Dalmations Cruella DeVille car, clothes, books, and bath toys. She got so much awesome stuff! I'm glad it wasn't overdone, though. I saw so many pictures on Facebook of babies--little babies--with about 40 toys! I'm not judging; I think it's great to have new toys. For us, though, I just don't know where on earth we would store all that stuff. And does Kimmy tend to play with all her toys on a daily basis, but I think she would have been a little overwhelmed with more stuff than she got.
In fact, I think she was slightly overwhelmed. She woke up late last night crying and trembling, which is unusual for her. She remembered about her gifts and wanted to play, play, play into the night. I think she would've stayed up until about 4:00am if we had let her!
Jarrell got a 49ers jersey, Lord of the Rings extended edition Blu-ray set, The Heat on DVD, a calendar, and some yummy candy in his stocking.
I got way too much stuff. My parents and Gugs overdid it, as did Jarrell. Luckily, lots of it will experience shared usage. Here's the list: a beautiful gold-colored chenile throw for my couch, Downton Abbey seasons 1-3 on DVD, 3 cookbooks, a waffle iron, a toaster (YAY, finally! So tired of broiling and occasionally burning good bread), a 9x13 baking pan and lid, 2 round springform pans, a garlic press, a standing cheese grater, metal measuring spoons and cups, a jelly-roll pan with lid, a sweater, 2 tank tops, a pair of jeans, an IU hoodie, a calendar, the Divergent book series, Sophie's Choice on DVD, a stocking full of candy, and a few other things that aren't coming immediately to my mind. SO MUCH STUFF. I know it will all get used and am very thankful to have received so many nice things, but I feel bad that I didn't reciprocate the giving. Maybe next year I will have more money to do so.
Jarrell and I had a lazy Christmas, full of bathroom trips (I know...sorry), cooking, watching Downton Abbey and The Heat, playing with Kimmy, and napping. Well, Kimmy and I napped; Jarrell stayed up. We did manage to tidy up the living room, though, and we also did 2 loads of dishes!
Here's what we cooked:
It was so nice not to have anywhere to be on Christmas day. We've always been obligated to family in WV or PA on holidays. Not that our visits haven't been nice, but it was wonderful to not even have to leave the house! We literally woke up, walked down the hall, opened gifts, cooked in our kitchen, ate at our table, and walked to our bedrooms at bedtime. I hope every year is this easy!
I had an important meeting on Monday, and I'm waiting on the results of that. Yes, I'm being cryptic; I know. I just don't want to be too verbal about it just yet, and I also need to wait to hear something officially. But, I *think* I will be getting some big, giant, GOOD news soon! I hope.
That's all for now, I suppose. I think I'm going to start keeping a running list of topics to blog about. Things come to me occasionally before I've had time to properly gather my thoughts about them. Then as quickly as they enter my head for brainstorming, they're forgotten. Hence the big gaps in posts sometimes. So, I think a list will help.
If anyone is reading, I hope you had a very Merry Christmas!
-Kels
Miss Kimmy came down with a stomach virus on Friday. As soon as I left for work, she projectile vomited twice. Brooke is a saint for cleaning up that mess. Baby puke is no fun!
Little miss and I left for WV Friday after I got off work, and while she didn't puke in the car, she was NOT feeling well at all the whole weekend. She barely drank water on Saturday. She wouldn't eat. She finally started drinking water Sunday, except it made her vomit. Her poor little tummy was so upset. She must not have gotten too dehydrated, though, because she still went #2 just once a day. It was diarrhea, but still, much better than constant diarrhea with rash and all that. She's better now and has been eating like a little piggy!
I started having tummy troubles on Sunday that are still not fully resolved as of today. Jarrell, too. We're kind of a mess. I had to call off work on Monday, despite needing the money. Since Brooke was coming to watch Kimmy already, I used that morning to finish Christmas shopping, but I battled extreme nausea and bathroom runs all day. Ugh! We made a huge Christmas dinner yesterday, despite our stomachs turning us against even wanting to cook. Since our appetites are so dormant right now, we barely ate anything. We sat at the table forcing bites down. It was pretty pitiful! I must have overdone it because I threw up almost immediately after waking up this morning. (Sadly, I puked in the sink because it came up so quickly, and I'm pretty sure I clogged up the sink. Gonna have to call and have it looked at.) But, I'm sure we'll feel better in a few days.
We had a fun time in WV, despite Kimmy being so sick! We (really, Gugs and Mom) made Christmas goodies, like cookes and peanut-butter balls. Dad and I took my car to be serviced (state inspection, oil change, and tire rotation) and spent so much time farting around at Lowe's, Home Depot, and Rite-Aid that my car was done while we were still out, so we didn't have to go back out all day.
Kimmy and I had a LONG drive back on Sunday. I was so happy to get off the road and relax. It was also nice to get back to Jarrell.
Christmas Eve was spent cleaning, doing laundry, and making final Christmas preparations. Kimmy and I had a nice day together, but I kept thinking to myself all day, "I can't wait for her to open up her new toys tomorrow, so we'll have some new material to make believe and play with!"
We decided against going out to church, since Jarrell didn't get home from work until almost 8:00pm. Instead, I led a candlelight service in our living room right before Kimmy's bedtime. We prayed, sang, read Luke chapter 2, and took communion (saltine crackers and sparkling red grape juice). It was so nice! Kimmy whined the entire time because she was sleepy, so I was glad we were home, instead of being disruptive in church. It was also SO cold outside. I'm sure God appreciated the time we took to honor Jesus that evening.
I was giddy that night. I couldn't fall asleep until about 2:30am, and I was up by 7:00. I was just so excited for Kimmy's reaction! Santa Claus came around midnight and left Kimmy some great goodies: a play kitchen, a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal, and a Curious George stuffed animal.
Once my crew finally woke up a little after 8:00 on Christmas morning, we got to see how Kimmy liked her stuff! She didn't have much of a reaction at first--I think she didn't know if it was hers or not. Once she noticed her new babies in the floor, though, she went straight for George! I'm sad to say that after a long run in 1st, Mickey Mouse is now a strong 2nd place. Curious George and Kimmy have so much in common that I guess it was an inevitable switch.
She LOVES her kitchen! We had to pry her away from it to open up her play food, doll house, blocks, hug-me Elmo, 101 Dalmations Cruella DeVille car, clothes, books, and bath toys. She got so much awesome stuff! I'm glad it wasn't overdone, though. I saw so many pictures on Facebook of babies--little babies--with about 40 toys! I'm not judging; I think it's great to have new toys. For us, though, I just don't know where on earth we would store all that stuff. And does Kimmy tend to play with all her toys on a daily basis, but I think she would have been a little overwhelmed with more stuff than she got.
In fact, I think she was slightly overwhelmed. She woke up late last night crying and trembling, which is unusual for her. She remembered about her gifts and wanted to play, play, play into the night. I think she would've stayed up until about 4:00am if we had let her!
Jarrell got a 49ers jersey, Lord of the Rings extended edition Blu-ray set, The Heat on DVD, a calendar, and some yummy candy in his stocking.
I got way too much stuff. My parents and Gugs overdid it, as did Jarrell. Luckily, lots of it will experience shared usage. Here's the list: a beautiful gold-colored chenile throw for my couch, Downton Abbey seasons 1-3 on DVD, 3 cookbooks, a waffle iron, a toaster (YAY, finally! So tired of broiling and occasionally burning good bread), a 9x13 baking pan and lid, 2 round springform pans, a garlic press, a standing cheese grater, metal measuring spoons and cups, a jelly-roll pan with lid, a sweater, 2 tank tops, a pair of jeans, an IU hoodie, a calendar, the Divergent book series, Sophie's Choice on DVD, a stocking full of candy, and a few other things that aren't coming immediately to my mind. SO MUCH STUFF. I know it will all get used and am very thankful to have received so many nice things, but I feel bad that I didn't reciprocate the giving. Maybe next year I will have more money to do so.
Jarrell and I had a lazy Christmas, full of bathroom trips (I know...sorry), cooking, watching Downton Abbey and The Heat, playing with Kimmy, and napping. Well, Kimmy and I napped; Jarrell stayed up. We did manage to tidy up the living room, though, and we also did 2 loads of dishes!
Here's what we cooked:
- breakfast casserole (tater tots, sausage, onions, eggs, cheese)
- spinach-artichoke dip (SO GOOD!)
- roast duck
- Yukon gold potatoes fried in duck fat
- sauteed green beans and asparagus
- homemade yeast cloverleaf rolls
- broccoli-rice casserole
- deviled eggs
- red velvet cupcakes
It was so nice not to have anywhere to be on Christmas day. We've always been obligated to family in WV or PA on holidays. Not that our visits haven't been nice, but it was wonderful to not even have to leave the house! We literally woke up, walked down the hall, opened gifts, cooked in our kitchen, ate at our table, and walked to our bedrooms at bedtime. I hope every year is this easy!
I had an important meeting on Monday, and I'm waiting on the results of that. Yes, I'm being cryptic; I know. I just don't want to be too verbal about it just yet, and I also need to wait to hear something officially. But, I *think* I will be getting some big, giant, GOOD news soon! I hope.
That's all for now, I suppose. I think I'm going to start keeping a running list of topics to blog about. Things come to me occasionally before I've had time to properly gather my thoughts about them. Then as quickly as they enter my head for brainstorming, they're forgotten. Hence the big gaps in posts sometimes. So, I think a list will help.
If anyone is reading, I hope you had a very Merry Christmas!
-Kels
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