Here I am again

I've done a lot of living since I wrote last. There has been stress and tears, good and bad. Lots and lots of change. Death and birth (literal and figurative). Lots of adjustment. I was so crippled by anxiety and obligations that I never felt relaxed (or awake) enough to spill words onto a page for the last almost 2 years.

It's kind of shocking looking back on this last stretch of time and seeing the journey. My daughter is almost 7. I've gotten 2 promotions and (finally) 2 master's degrees. I've fallen deeper in love and gotten engaged and married to the love of my life. Our wedding was my dream wedding, complete with lots of family and all of my very best friends. I've met some big professional goals. My husband (!) and I went on an amazing Hawaiian honeymoon and made beautiful memories.

I know where I'm going, and I certainly know where I've been. The times I felt hopeless and overwhelmed seem so temporary in the rear view. The times I yearned for one single friend where I lived are just a memory. I feel like I have people now.

I also have time. A seemingly endless stretch of time. It's the greatest luxury of all. I'm done with school! I don't spend my work days dreading the million things I have to do in the evenings now. I don't spend my evenings agonizing over readings and exams and lectures and papers and notes. Instead, I stress over how I can possibly fill all the time.

So this morning, the first morning I've really been able to fully relax since the whirlwind of the last month (graduation, wedding, honeymoon, new job, etc.), I took myself on a coffee date and did some much-needed thinking. Here's what I thought:

"Self, what are we going to do all summer? What do we want life to be now that life can just be? What do we want to look back and see a whole lot more of the next time we're sitting in this seat?"

And here are all the things I came up with:
• Playing with Kimmy as much as she wants
• Reading: anything and everything
• Music: anything and everything
• Painting: watercolor journal, canvas
• Gardening: grab the weeds and get dirty
• Hiking on weekends
• Walking in the evenings
• One purposeful workout every week (can include gardening or hiking)
• Writing: journal, blog, poetry, letters to Kimmy
• Mindfulness: coffee/tea, one thought at a time
• Church: just go and be open
• Cooking: plan ahead, try new recipes
• Traveling as much as possible

I have lived on lists over the past few years: lists of times and dates and obligations in my planner, lists of tasks on post-it notes, lists of memory jogs and random groceries we're out of on my notes app. Lists have been the glue holding my brain together. So it's quite fitting that I make a list of what I envision for my life.

It's going to be a transition, maybe the biggest one ever. Less phone time and deleting some apps that have helped me suppress swirling thoughts and be mindless when I needed to. More purposeful time spent doing real things and tackling thoughts head-on. Time spent learning how to play with my daughter now that I really can spend time doing a lot of that. Maybe I'll even pull out my stack of cookbooks and post-it flags and go to town marking recipes to try.

All I can say for sure is that I'm going to give it my best shot and go after my best life. I've made it to a place where I can breathe, and I plan to breathe in every experience I can track down.

More later,
Kelsey Ann Pierce Gregory (!!!)

I'm not afraid of your life

This is sappy, but whatever. Move your little eyes someplace else if you don't wanna read it. Brice and I are in love, and I don't care who knows it.

I knew he was perfect for me almost instantly. We were just magnetized. People tell you you'll just know, and I guess they're right. I never believed in soulmates, true love, my knight in shining armor, any of it. But then there he was, and he was all of it in one very real, very amazing person. Finally, someone who can keep up with me and can handle my zest for life!

He continues to do and say wonderful things that both reaffirm my initial impression of him and deepen my admiration, just totally without even trying. He is 100% himself, and I appreciate 100% of who that is. I told him he makes me want to write, and here I am writing.

And so you know, I have his permission; I'm not goin' rogue here. Brice is a super private and modest person, and he would never brag about himself. I want all my friends and family to see just how great he is, though, especially since he hasn't gotten to meet any of y'all yet, so I'm gonna give you a little feel for how he treats me.

I can talk to him about anything, and he doesn't shy away from the tough stuff. Instead, he says things like this:

"I'm not afraid of your life, Kelsey. I will be there through every stressful thing, and we'll go through all of it together."

Those are swooning words. That hit me right in the feels. This is by far the most meaningful, powerful thing any person on this earth has ever said to me. "I accept all your baggage and chaos and your insane amount of stress," basically. I have a pretty strong fear of abandonment when the going gets rough,  I guess, because my life is full of little fires that I'm constantly putting out, and I'm often completely frazzled and overwhelmed.

But even more powerful than hearing those words is experiencing how it feels when Brice stands behind them and proves that he's there, steady and strong, willing to listen, willing to help me through it (even when I don't even know how to ask for or accept help). I don't know how he does it, but he doesn't even falter. I mean, have y'all met me? I talk a lot. But there he is...even through all the screenshots I send him of annoying conversations with toxic people and huge essay-length texts venting about everything on my mind. I send a lot of texts (our count is 1,615 of them since August 4th when this month's phone bill started over). Nope, doesn't even phase him.

He just accepts me and all that I come with.

I've been missing him big time since Colorado last month, and he and Kimmy both talk to me about how they're itching to meet each other. So I decided Kimmy and I needed a little weekend getaway to San Antonio to make this happen!

"Kimmy and I are coming to visit you in Texas later this month, Brice!"
"I'm so excited! Does she need a car seat while she's here?"

Yep, his first thought once we locked down plans was my daughter's safety...whether Kimmy would be safe in the car while we're there and what he could do to make sure she was.

He also bought her a birthday present. He also talks to her on video chat and texts emojis with her and sends her silly snaps and includes her in all our conversations about what the future looks like. He also makes me laugh and calms me down and calls me beautiful and talks nerdy to me (hah!). He is a good, good man. He makes my heart happy. I am so thankful I found him.

To be continued.

#briceandkelsey
<3

Let's talk about long-distance relationships

So I'm about a month into being "officially" in a relationship with the most wonderful man. He just happens to live 1,156 miles away from me, which comes with its fair share of speculation from some of the people in our lives. I don't know what their biggest fears/concerns are. Maybe that one of us has ulterior motives and is using the other or maybe that we're caught up in some artificial/lusty feelings or maybe that we're moving too fast or maybe that it's just not possible for us to overcome the distance and get to the same zip code long enough to be a long-term thing.

Well, I'm here to squash all that, so let's talk about long-distance relationships.

This year I have put myself out into the universe and entered the pool of eligible bachelorettes out on the dating field after several years of purposeful singleness and taking care of my daughter, myself, and the peace of our household. In that time, I have been on dates (or some version of that) with 8 dudes prior to Brice, and in the past couple years, I've talked to about quadruple that amount. (Side note: I have introduced Kimmy to like none of these guys, but I can't wait for her to meet Brice!)

My first point is this: there is no one like my boyfriend. No one. I've talked to enough dudes to know. Even the guys I've thought were the real deal turned out to either be duds (excuse the language, but this is colloquially known as being a fuckboy), a terribly incompatible match, on some whole other time-frame than me, or just terrified of commitment. Landing with these guys over and over again made me discover exactly what I want and deserve. So when that man materialized right in front of my eyes, you bet your ass I grabbed his hand and jumped!

Are we moving too fast? No. Honestly, I don't understand how anyone could think this. The distance forces us to crawl. We don't get to go out on dates every night or cuddle on the couch and watch movies together or hug or kiss or laugh together (sad face!) or anything that involves us being in the same proximity as each other. We spend a month at a time apart, book-ended by a long weekend spent together. So for all the spaces in-between, we spend our time talking...putting every single piece of information out on the table, getting to know every last thing about each other, and clinging onto each word. We memorize each other's minds, hearts, anxieties, fears, hopes, dreams, and goals. We text and talk on the phone and video chat and send silly snaps.

We talk about the tough stuff that many couples don't get to until much farther in their relationships: what ticks us off, what stresses us out, what we regret from our past, finances, credit scores, failures, our deepest insecurities, things we want to do and see but have maybe never felt supported enough to delve into. We take the time to learn how each other feels loved most, how to make the other one laugh, how to spot a bad day/mood and how to make it better. We make the best of what we have right here and now. There is no pressure, no tension. We're right on the same page. Our pace is perfect.

I say all this not because I feel like I need to justify my life choices to anyone, but to show that this is not a relationship I just randomly hopped into with no prior thought--and the same from his perspective. I have hoped and prayed for this man for years, and he's been looking for me for awhile, too. Please don't worry about us because we've got this!

Brice and I are serious about each other. This is real life. This is not a drill. This is not a game to us. Being together is not a band-aid fix for an issue in either of our lives. We are two grown, independent adults who are each individually and mutually choosing to be together. And I think I speak for both of us when I say that we definitely wouldn't put ourselves through the torture of being 6 states apart for a while if there wasn't something very real and very awesome between us. Yes, we met on the internet: a perfectly valid way of forming a human connection in the year 2017. The two of us knew our feelings were real long before we ever met in person, and meeting just solidified and deepened all that. And you want to know the best part? We have a plan to end the distance. Because when you love somebody, time and space do not matter. Love will win, and it will bring two hearts beating out of their chests for each other together.

For the most part, though, we've got a whole lot of supportive people in our corner. I think they really get us, and that support feels really, really good. (Thanks, y'all!)

But for any haters/doubters: even *if* we're both bat-shit crazy and our two very grounded selves both somehow have zero grip on reality and have imagined this whole love thing, whoop-de-freaking-do. That's for us to discover on our own, not to be told about by you.

We all have this one short life. And we're just two imperfect souls living ours the best way we know how.

Peace,
Kels

Fall for the guy

Fall for the guy who will do anything to get to you, who never forgets to text you back, who is genuinely excited to be in your life.

Fall for the guy who never lets a day go by without telling you you're beautiful.

Fall for the guy who listens without judgment.

Fall for the guy whose hugs feel like sunshine and rainbows.

Fall for the guy who loves his family and can't wait to meet yours too (including your daughter).

Fall for the guy who can stop time when he kisses you, who makes everything slow and easy when he's around.

Fall for the guy who acknowledges, loves, and respects your independence, but who speaks directly to your love language and steps right in and helps with the overwhelming stuff anyway (like cleaning your biggest pet peeve: gritty kitchen floors) without ever expecting anything in return.

Fall for the guy who calls you, even though he kind of hates talking on the phone.

Fall for the guy who never once makes you feel ashamed when you write him an entire novel of all the things that are on your mind.

Fall for the guy who will put all his fears in the back of his mind to chase happiness with you.

Fall for the guy who drives your accidentally drunk self home, hands you a glass of water, feeds you an amazing meal he's cooked, listens to your random conversation topics, tucks you in, and then kisses your forehead right before you fall asleep.

Fall for the guy who responds to, "Want to go on an adventure?" with "I'll go anywhere with you."

Fall for the guy who holds your hand every chance he gets.

Fall for the guy who looks at all your flaws dead-on and still chooses you anyway.

Fall for the guy who makes you laugh, who makes you try new things, who makes you settle more deeply into yourself with confidence.

Fall for the guy who's not embarrassed to show you off to his friends and who says sweet things no matter who's within earshot.

Fall for the guy who cooks and brings you a plate of dinner and sits with you as you spaz out over an accounting quiz for a few hours of your life.

Fall for the guy whose actions and words consistently tell you exactly where you stand.

Fall for the guy who is calm and steady in all the ways you are not, yet accepts you just the way you are.

When you find him, he'll be exactly what you deserve, exactly what you've waited for, exactly what people have pleaded with you to know has always existed in the vastness of humankind. He'll leave you standing in breathless wonderment trying to figure out how you ever thought anyone else measured up.

WAIT FOR HIM, LADIES. He is real, and he is somewhere looking for you too.

BG + KP <3

Good and bad

After a very introspective weekend, I have one conclusion: life is such a crazy--at times insane--mix of good and bad.

Opposite emotions exist in parallel, or they're intertwined. There's sadness, joy, loneliness, emptiness, happiness, and humor all at once. You can't have just one. You can't be all patched up and put together all the time either.

A house you love falls through: fear of the unknown.
A new opportunity presents itself: hopefulness.
Your kid acts up with a behavior you thought was old news: anger.
The love of your life puts you in the friendzone: loneliness.
You laugh at the most hilarious thing you've ever seen: joy.
You read something that breaks your heart: sadness.
You disappoint someone: self-guilt.
You kiss your daughter and feel your heart beat just a little harder: love.
You bask in the perfect spring weather and just smile: bliss.

All of these feelings are varying degrees of temporary. Some brief and some that come in waves for years.

Life is weird. All we can do is push through and support the people in our circles and search for happiness and hope to stay afloat. It's about the journey, right?

Goodnight, odd world.
-Kels

Middle child syndrome

I grew up with a pretty constant feeling of being misunderstood.

I was a middle child sandwiched in between a warrior-princess, mega-independent, born-leader older sister and an attention-getting, rule-changing, volatile-tempered younger brother.

There I was, just hanging out in the middle all alone, hoping to be noticed for my wild creativity, intense empathy, strong compassion, and various random talents. "Notice me! Let me be the center of attention just once!"

Don't get me wrong, I knew my parents loved me and stuff. But, your shiny edges just don't shine as brightly when you have a sibling on each side dulling that glow. For Kim and Kevin, each with a side free to blow in the breeze and shine in the sun, it was easy having a "place" in the world--at least from my comparative perspective.

My childhood years that I spent trying to find my place and figure out who I was as a sandwich filling (hah!) shaped me into an extreme introvert. I was always looking inward to find my footing. Birth order definitely affected me, and middle child syndrome is oh-so real--I even wrote a pretty compelling term paper on it once for a developmental psych class.

Then when Kim died, I had no place in the order. I was suddenly in the forefront, but I didn't want any of that attention. Like, at all. I'm still that way. "Don't notice me. Let me not be the center of attention--I don't like it. Let me hang back and people-watch and offer my input when the time is right for me."

It's weird, and I'm still adjusting. I also occasionally encounter that feeling of being misunderstood, and it unsettles me. It's a super "off" feeling. But, I guess it's not very realistic to expect to be understood all the time.

Anyway, getting to the point, I have one particular friend who sees me. Like, really sees me. We only met last month, so every time I rediscover that I'm totally understood and safe, I re-live the "wow" of that feeling. It's pretty amazing. There are only a handful of friends in the entirety of my life with whom I've fallen into such tight lockstep like this. I'm enjoying it. It's nice making new friends, and it's even nicer feeling like there's not a thing about me I have to censor or put in a huge amount of effort to explain.

La vie est très bonne.

 More later,

-Kels

New year, same me

2016 was the best year yet in many ways. It's the first year of my adult life that I spent my time being wholly and completely me--knowing who I am and what I'm about without question.

I squeezed in a huge amount of traveling for a woman on a tight budget: DC, Northern Indiana Amish country, Asheville, Gatlinburg, Chicago. I had a blast with my daughter at every turn. I talked to lots of boyz and got a fresh feel for what I like/want. I hiked and camped. I cooked. I soaked in tons of new music. I saw a couple bands live. I tried new things.

The only setback I had was my huge car accident in June when Kimmy and I both could have died if one single thing had been different. But I'm so glad it's behind us, and my hands are clean. I recently found out my car insurance company is suing the dude who hit us. Karma and all.

But, anywho.

Life is rrrrreal good.

--

2017 is off to an excellent start.

We're not even one week in, and already I've heard live music, hiked, been to a whole lot of new places, had lots of family time, and done a few adventurous and fun things for me that have comforted my psyche.

I've never been big on new year's resolutions. I feel like if I'm going to make a goal, I need to want to do it enough to make it my focus anytime of year, not just at the start of a new year. Plus, I generally don't feel very refreshed and reset at a new year, given that it's in the dead of winter and all. (I hate winter.)

So, this isn't really a resolution, but a declaration: I'm gonna keep on being me this year. It's working for me.

Peace,
-Kels

People

Have you ever uttered the phrase, "I hate people"? I have. And it's actually not true. Yes, I hate certain traits and tendencies that certain people have.

But I love people.

I love them. I want to base my whole career on people (human resources). I love how people are all different. I love how people make me laugh. I love how everyone brings something unique to the table. I love how people all have their own lens through which they see the world. I love how I have something to learn from every person on this earth.

Lately I'm obsessed with people who make me feel alive...people who set my spirit alight and make me see, think, and feel things I wouldn't all on my own.

Last night I got a text from someone I love hearing from, but someone whose work schedule and unique job keeps him off the grid for weeks at a time. This is someone I went to college with and worked with and was friends with, but was not super close with because we were pretty different. Over the past 5 years, we've each been on our own journeys of self-discovery and growing up, and our paths have somehow crossed again, this time with much more in common and a really cool blossoming friendship.

This is someone who gives me that alive feeling. (Yes, he's male; no, the point of this is not about a crush. This is about a person-to-person connection with someone who has a fervor for life. Lots of people make me feel alive like this, male or female, crush or no crush.) When this side of my mind/heart are ignited by a person, I find myself wanting to discuss every subject under the sun, travel more, listen to all the music ever made, write until my hand cramps and tempts me to switch hands, and never stop trying/learning new things.

There's a lot to be said for being passionate in this life. I think Roald Dahl worded it best:

Give me fiery white hot over lukewarm any day. People who can get on that level with me are my favorite people in all the land. People who aren't afraid to live, to do, to feel. I want as many passionate people in my circle as I can get.

Full steam ahead!

-Kels

The great outdoors

Being wanderlust and all, I fantasize about being outside and on the go constantly. I spend 40 hours/week strapped to a desk, and though I love (adore, actually) my job and the people I work with, I still find myself dreaming of being out in the world as much as possible. It fuels me. I work to travel. Travel fuels my motivation at work. As soon as I get back from one adventure, I brainstorm my next. It's a cycle that I hope I never outgrow.

My entire childhood, we camped and hiked and played in creeks and roughed it in the great outdoors. Those were our vacations. (We even camped at Disney World!) It was overkill for me because I felt like I didn't have a say in those decisions--I was outdoorsy by birth and not by my own choice. I compensated by shunning the outdoors for many years of my young adult life and even tried to convince myself that I was a city girl.

These past few years that I've spent in deep introspection, though? I had an epiphany and found a gaping hole in my life: outside, fresh air, mountains, patches of earth few humans have ever trod, nature sounds, endless skies of stars and clouds. I would rather be away and separate from than included in any day of the week, any week of the year. I'm a mountain momma through and through. It's in my blood, deep down in the very cells of my being.

There is just something so thrilling and cathartic about conquering a trail, a mountain. For me, it's like I'm climbing over all the gunk in my brain to a place of serene mental clarity. Like when I'm so small--this teeny tiny cog in the great wheel of the planet--that I somehow become immense in power and assuredness. Flashy and grandiose? Nah, keep it. I am a speck out there in nature, but I am sure and steady and totally content.

The blisters, the screaming muscle groups, the sweat, the cool/sharp/humid/dry/hot air hitting my lungs, the soreness, the dull drone of too much uphill/downhill trekking all at once, the fact that I'm fairly certain I'm going to lose my left big toenail--none of it matters because what I'm chasing on that trail is so intrinsically worthwhile that it supercedes all the setbacks.

This summer I hiked to Rainbow Falls in Great Smoky Mountains National Park. It's a relatively simple hike, though physically taxing. 2.7 miles up a mountain; 2.7 miles back down--about 3.5 hours in all. I hiked it all by myself at a time when I was desperate for some time to soul-search. My daughter was visiting her family in Pennsylvania, and I was all alone with a mess of thoughts to contend with and make sense of. I spent a handful of hours on the trail, but I took home heaping buckets of insight into myself, my life, where I want to go, what I want to see, the person I want to be. I stopped to take a swig of water from my Nalgene at one of several creek crossings, and I was so overwhelmed by my clarity against the sounds of birds in the trees, rustling leaves, and the trickling creek that I burst into tears. It's a feeling I can't even begin to describe. It may even sound stupid to anyone reading this, but I don't even care. It was so meaningful to me that I've thought of this hike--this exact moment--every time I've felt down in the dumps since then.

4 days ago, my dad and I hiked Rainbow Falls all the way up to the top of the mountain (Mt. LeConte), where we saw the sights from LeConte Lodge. Though it had only been 3 months since I was last on the trail, I felt like I was an entirely new person. The same path that was covered in fallen pinky-white rhododendron blooms just months before was now coated in a vibrant splay of purple, crimson, green, orange, and golden autumn leaves. The same change that I could feel within myself was literally visible on the ground beneath me...a blossoming to a prounounced deepening and maturation. It's amazing to me how nature mirrors the phases of our lives.

On this hike, I knew I would be tested. I recently made a vow to myself to always hike with the Ten Essentials, even on day hikes, so I had a pack of at least 10 lbs on the way up and 15 on the way down (I had some t-shirts and snacks we purchased at the top and newly refilled water bottle/bladder). I knew we would have at least a 13-mile day. I knew it would be unrelentingly uphill to the summit and just as steadily downhill on our return. I knew we would have a very full day and would be physically and mentally tired. Despite knowing what I was in for, there were still surprises and adrenaline rushes. That's something else deeply beautiful about being outdoors: you can be as prepared as all get out, and nature will still have unexpected fortunes in store for you.

All that being said, I reached my actual physical limit on this hike. I think better-quality boots would make a slight difference for me, but I can confidently say that for now, 16.5 miles is my limit. I think that's a pretty cool thing to know about myself. Maybe the AT is in my future as a section hike series, and I'll gladly accept that challenge if/when the time comes. But for now, I'll keep seeking out these day-hike mini adventures; they are enough.

Adventuring outside is no longer an option for me, but an absolute necessity to my being. Life, time, thought, perception, emotion, and expectation all take on completely different meaning when you're in an environment over which you have no control. And all the creature comforts like hot coffee, ice cold beer, cars, steamy showers, lotion, deodorant, mascara, warm socks, and dry clothes all take on different comfort when you return to them from the great unknown. This will never not be worth it.

Until next time, Mother Nature.

Peace,
-Kels

A new phase of motherhood

The last few months have been really hard for me as a mom and just for our household in general.

Kimmy and I have had a huge routine adjustment. We've transitioned from having our awesome babysitter and her 2 sons in our home every day to earlier mornings of getting ready for school and work together and rushing out the door. In addition to preschool, we've added in dance class (and an inevitable fast-food dinner) on Thursday nights. We don't get home until 5:30pm most days and 7:15pm on Thursdays. Dinner happens soon after we get home. Then it's bath, books, and bedtime with lights out at 8:00pm. We're exhausted. We're cranky. We have a hard time listening attentively. We lack patience with each other. There are lots of apologies. Days are long and full.

But we're happy.

Kimmy is learning so, so much at school. She knows all her letters and can count to 20 (higher with my help). She asks me to spell every word under the sun, and she's starting to read beginner sight words with repetition. We read all the time, and she's so very interested in it. I love watching the gears turn behind her eyes. Oh, and she gets a TON of playtime. I really love her school.

Our life is filled with book fairs, kids' birthday parties, stacks of preschool artwork, playdates with school friends, long Saturdays of errands, and a messy house we're never in, except to sleep.

I guess I didn't realize how quickly it would happen once Kimmy started school and new activities, but I'm finally making friends in this town. This has been my biggest challenge in Bloomington--since it's a college town, people come and go and move on to different states and places in their lives. It's hard to make and keep friends because before you blink, they're done with this town and off and away. I haven't clicked with anyone in a close friends type of way until now. It's such a relief! Our next door neighbor and her kids rock; we have a ton in common. I know a few dance moms. I know a handful of school moms. I don't feel so isolated anymore! It's really nice to have a few people who are in the same phase of life with me. The introduction and hand-shaking phase is awkward at first (just like networking, which I suck at), but the rewards are great. I'm really excited to ride this wave.

Anyway, I'm just thankful for this phase of motherhood. My heart has been wavering a bit lately between trying to pull me back home to WV (where my friends and family and the great outdoors are, but where jobs and good benefits and a liberal mentality are not) and staying here. Now that the dullest part of my life is filling out a bit, I think I'll stay awhile--at least until I'm done with grad school.

Bloomington will forever be the place I remember as my growing place, no matter where I end up. This is where I found myself again and where I chose to plant my feet firmly, even when the soil was slippery wet. One day I'll look back on these challenging few years and smile knowing that I got to a place where the stress isn't quite so heavy, all while taking it in stride. If I've got one thing going for me, it's grit.

Now if I could just find the time and motivation to get in shape. Or maybe that's in a season up ahead, too.

Peace,
-Kels

I want to be better

A lot of my thoughts lately have centered around my goals. What do I want in life? Where am I headed? How can I get there?

In an effort to not be as hard on myself, yet still uphold all my standards and values, I have boiled all my goals down to one goal:

I want to be better.

I want to be a better mother, daughter, friend, listener, achiever, dreamer, student, believer, writer, artist, learner, and adventurer. I never want to stop being better at those things. I will base decisions on that goal, and that will pave my way.

--

After 2 weeks away from my daughter and a weekend of her time being divided between other family and pet doggies, I felt overwhelmingly disconnected, both from my daughter and just from motherhood in general. Yesterday afternoon, I just thought to myself, "There was just an entire chunk of time where I have no clue how my daughter's life was. There was an entire chunk of time where I didn't get to be her mother." I vowed to be a better mother in our time together and really spend more quality time connecting with her.

Last night, I only used my phone to take a few photos and videos of Kimmy and to look up some silly prairie dog, elephant, and owl videos that she wanted to watch. Other than that, we just talked. It was the best evening I've had in a very long time.

I watched a little girl--who is almost a not-so-little girl about to turn 4--blossom from feeling uneasy about being back home and knowing she has a brand new pre-school routine coming up into my happy little talkative girl full of silly ideas, tons of jokes, and loads of creativity. She was so happy to be home and so happy to have my full attention.

We talked all about my travels while she was at her daddy's house. We went out and looked at the garden together. She had a fashion show and tried on her new school clothes for me. I showed her my trip pictures and surprised her with a few souvenirs. I bought myself a harmonica a few weeks ago and have been teaching myself the basics. She was deeply envious of my purchase and wanted to play it all the time, so what did I do when I saw a harmonica in a pretty blue case at the Biltmore toy store? I bought a harmonica!

We've started a Kimmy-Mommy harmonica band. Kimmy took right to it. She made up a song and consistently plays it over and over. I know anyone can pick up a harmonica and blow into it, but it's actually a tricky little instrument (you can't see where you're blowing and have to rely on muscle memory) that makes replicating a tune pretty hard unless you have a good feel for which of the 10 holes is which note. She's a natural.

After a very long and exhausting day and lots of evening playing, Kimmy got to sleep in Mommy's bed. We slept 10+ hours and woke up feeling wonderful.

I have actually not seen Kimmy so calm or happy in the morning in quite some time. I know the sleep had a lot to do with it, but I also think I was a better mother to her last night than I sometimes am.

It's so easy to get caught up in all the trillion things I need to do in a day that by the time I make it home after work, there's very little of me left to give. My daughter, as my only other household member, takes the brunt of that and sees the worst of me more than anyone, simply because she is there to witness it. It's one of many unfairnesses of single parenting: my child needs me most, but circumstance dictates that I have to be spread out thinly elsewhere before I can get back to her.

So, I want to be better for her. She deserves to see the best of me more than anyone in my life. She is my constant. Friends and dudes may come and go in the years to come, but I will always have my Kimmy. She deserves to always have me, too.

I will be better.

-Kels

Just be free

I have some questions.

Where in our culture did we become so backward and messed up that we are all conditioned to rely on others for our happiness, for our validation, for our self-worth?

Why are we not instead conditioned from childhood to be freely and fully ourselves and to only settle in with someone when he/she makes us feel wholey and completely okay being our true selves?

What is the actual purpose of comprimising who you innately are just to please another human being?

Why is one-on-one companionship the ultimate goal of society as a whole; is it not better to have a firm sense of self and a handful of the best friends you could ever hope to have?

What if fixing yourself first is the key to being companion-able in the first place?

What if you're single fo' life--are you happy with who you are as a person right here and now? Can you actually function on your own? Because you might be all you've got.

--

The older I get, the more comfortable I feel in my own skin. There is no feeling like it.

I go to bed happy at night. I wake up happy in the morning. I wear the most comfortable clothes ever that make me feel so utterly good inside and out. "Good morning, self. Don't feel like wearing make-up today? Great! I think I won't!"

I listen to the music I want. I cook meals I want and try foods I want to try. I laugh when something strikes me funny. I spend time reading about things I'm interested in. I spend time talking to family and friends. If I have a travel destination on the brain, I find a way to make it happen.

Am I self-centered? No way. I care about others so much, but, historically, it's been at the expense of me. Since I've started making sure my own person is cared for, I have felt so truly free. Free from others' opinions and advice. Free from societal pressures. Free from fear.

Because who cares what type of boundaries other people have for my life? I literally do not care. I lie my head down on my pillow at night bound to my own voice of conscience inside my head, not anyone else's. I am my own stakeholder: the sole proprietor of my headspace.

And I would never want to be with someone who is not exactly as happy being himself as I am being myself. While I'm over here living my life to the fullest, I know the things I'm doing are the things that will shape me that I can share with someone someday if the universe sees fit.

Que sera, sera.

More later,

Kels

In-depth coverage: a year in review

Really deep in my head today. Trudging through the memories of the most pivotal and amazing year of my life so far. I feel so well-equipped for absolutely anything that may fall in my path from here forward. I've spent time in the trenches and pulled myself out each and every time with the help of God, friends, and family. But you know what? A lot with the help of just me. I'm finally giving myself the credit I'm due. I'm liberated. I'm free. I'm empowered. I'm owning my flaws and barreling through every obstacle. I know the definition of true grit inside and out. I'm resilient. I'm strong. Nothing beats this feeling.

Highlights
January - New chapter, new house, the voyage of Kimmy and me.

May - A glimpse of the way I want my life to be in the future (in retirement or whenever that chapter may come). Spent time on a mission in Cambodia being a voice for some amazing and powerful girls whose voices were stripped from them. Learned the meaning of being the hands and feet. Loved others before loving myself. Truly the most amazing experience of my entire life thus far. I would go back in a heartbeat, and I will go back at the soonest opportunity without hesitation.

July - Accepted to grad school. With my team, won the case competition against 18 other teams in our tournament and one of 2 team winners among all 36 teams. Really humbling experience to be around so many professionals, yet to realize that I've genuinely got what it takes to hold my own.

August - First real vacation with my daughter. We did Disney. We had a blast. We didn't spend every penny we have. We made memories. I single-handedly traveled on a very huge trip, air travel and all, with a toddler, and we made it back happily and safely. One of my proudest accomplishments ever, no joke.

September - Started the realest juggling act of my adult life: single mothering full-time, work full-time, school full-time, 2 side jobs, and so much more--and I made it work. I somehow kept the plates spinning. What a grueling, satisfying challenge!

November - Turned 27 and reached a huge epiphany: I don't have to be defined by society's standards of a 27-year-old woman. I can let the pressure go. I can release myself. I don't need to be married, barefoot, and pregnant. I don't need anything at the current juncture. I define myself. There's no race to be won. There's no race at all! I can decide everything for myself. I need no advice or outside opinions. Everything I have is within me and before me. This month changed my entire outlook on life and freed my heart. (More on this in another post later.)

December - Took a solo daycation to Chicago (a lifelong dream destination, both for food and for art) and truly had one of the very best days of my whole life. Time waits for no man. Kelsey waits for no man. Kelsey doesn't need a man. As long as I have myself, my adventurous spirit can never steer me wrong. Scared to go somewhere new all alone? WHY??! What on earth are you waiting for?! GO!!!!!!!!!!! You will never regret it ever! Live YOUR life on YOUR terms! This month is still in progress, obviously, but I can't help but mention that I've also taken up a recent [surprising] interest in physical fitness and am killin' my goals. I'm also all set for the greatest Christmas ever with my darling daughter. I cannot wait for all that's ahead of us.

But as much as this is a year in review, it is also a life in review. A life well lived. It's a hard life. It's a stressful life. But it's a beautiful one. There is beauty in every moment, every breath, every breeze. It's everywhere if you just open your eyes, open your heart, open your mind, open your arms, and let life in. If there is no wind, row. Make your own way and allow yourself to enjoy it.

I'm in love with life. I'm in love with living! I am tied to no one and no thing. Only the passing of the hours and all that each solitary moment holds. The very idea of soaking up everything here is exhilarating, and I can't get enough of this world. All the people in it. All the places to be explored. I yearn to touch it all.

I'm happy. Happier than I've ever been in my adult life. How did I even get here? (Through a whole lot of bad.) Was it pretty? (No.) Was it messy? (Undeniably so.) The path was long and hard and incredibly daunting and imperfect, but I have arrived. I have felt every emotion in the book this year without exception. Every valley and high, I have experienced. Dark, depressing weekends when my daughter was away, and I spent 48 hours lying in my bed simply existing with the deafening, noisy thoughts inside my head until I could go pick her up and fall back into our normal pace. The last evening in Cambodia with my soul sisters, such beautiful daughters of Christ, when half of us were sobbing, half were smiling, we all were praying and singing to Jesus--when the evening sky turned the most vibrant bright pink, and I could have sworn we saw the face of God right there on that slab of cement. Direct juxtapositions of huge, heavy emotions and off-the-wall experiences that make absolutely no sense side by side. But this is my life. It's the only one I've got. How can I not love every moment with every fiber of my being?

One burning questions laps at the edges of my mind at all times, but I now have the answer. Am I enough? Of course I am enough. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent (Eleanor Roosevelt). God has blessed me with this incredible life, and I am enough. I am a mother, daughter, sister, friend, adventurer, jokester, writer, art lover, traveler, foodie, dreamer, weirdo, idealist, wit master, and more. And I am enough for all of the people who meet me in those roles. Beyond that, I don't care what anyone thinks because I love me. I am happy with the way I am. I know myself. I love myself. I'm living a genuine and authentic life, totally true to myself, and there's no way I'd rather be.

-Kels

Standards

Hmmm, where to start on this topic? Let's go here first:

I'm a feminist. I will advocate for women's equality until the day I die. Equal pay. Equal rights. Removal of sexism from all aspects of life. There is no wrath like the wrath of a woman scorned, and media and society do a lot--both intentionally and unintentionally--to "put women in their places."

One thing that absolutely boils my blood is the societal idea that women are too high-maintenance and have standards that are both too high and unrealistic.

Society could not be more wrong.

Women have high standards because they know what they want, and they know what they deserve. We are clear thinkers. We may change our minds a lot, but we have coherent goals, dreams, and plans. I'd even venture to say that we're even better off for being mind-changers because that implies malleability and resilience and flexibility and adeptness and pure, effervescent wit.

Beyond that, we are absolutely entitled to have the standards we have--for people, for relationships, for jobs, for parenting, for gender equality, for healthcare, for women's rights, for life--and we should be lauded for having such a firm grip on our wants and needs.

A lot of times, "standards" and "goals" are interchangeable words. Why should one gender be allowed to set clear goals and the other held in constant contempt for it?

Sorry, men, but women keep the world running. We bring a hell of a lot to the table. I dare you to try to do it without us!

Anyway, off my soapbox. Kind of.

--

I'd like to advocate for women never to be afraid of having high standards and never to settle on something below those standards if it is within your power. It could lead to getting lost in a total mess, whether that's a bad relationship, a job that's a waste of your time, doing things for people who don't appreciate you, a whopping pile of debt, etc.

Set your standards high and hold your ground. Your life will be so much more amazing because you'll be living it on your terms. Circumstance and person will not affect your outlook and ambitions.

I've got a lot of standards for my future, and I refuse to find myself in a situation within my choosing that's too far away from those ideals. I'm specifically talking about future relationship, financial, and professional/educational goals for myself.

If I enter into another relationship in the future, it must be with an honest man. Honesty makes everything else tolerable, or at least overcome-able. He must be honest and worthy of my trust, time, and attention. Beyond that, he must be worthy of the time he will take away from Kimmy and Mommy 1:1. He must love my child as much as me and/or as much as his own if a blended family is in my future. He must be someone I can be comfortable praying with/around.

My financial standards include being debt-free with the exceptions of car and home loans in my future. I will save for emergencies, for Kimmy's college education, for retirement, and to help others. On these standards, I will not bend, unless forced circumstance would make it so.

I will receive a graduate degree, come hail or high water. [I think the generally accepted phraseology is "come hell or high water," but "hail" makes so much more sense to me. Natural disaster + natural disaster versus death + natural disaster. I've changed it to "hail" for myself. Why? Because I can.] I'm willing it to happen. I will not break this goal. I will work during my working years and my retirement years. I will help others all I can. Lord willing, I will spend my retirement providing free childcare for a future single momma around my age now, so she can work and save and not have to worry about the most worrisome time of life. But I can figure all that out when the time arrives. It's my plan, at least!

Why should I be made to feel "less than" for having such high standards for myself, my daughter, and my/our future?

Sorry, boyz. I'm standing strong. Row your boat to my island, or row right on by and leave me be.

Cheers,
-Kelsey

The search for stability

Although I love my job, I think most people know that I'm actively seeking a full-time position. I'd love to stay at IU and particularly the office of admissions, but no matter where I end up, I really just NEED health insurance. I've grown tired of the uncertainty of Medicaid, and I'm definitely at my wit's end with the amount of debt I've accrued. My credit is wrecked--I don't even want to know how bad it is now.

Anyway, my suspicions were correct that lots of IU positions are opening up for January start dates. I've applied to 12 full-time jobs over the course of the last two weeks. TWELVE! Those odds have got to work in my favor, right? I'm feeling optimistic, and I sincerely hope that this round of applications contains my answered prayer. Tis the season; I hope Jesus agrees and will work favorably on my behalf. (I could also use your continued prayers!)

I have finally come to the conclusion that this period of unemployment and financial hardship has been a blessing in disguise. I've realized just how supportive my parents are and that they always have my back. I've been forced to spend lots of time evaluating myself and my spending habits. I've had sufficient time away from my lines of credit and have gotten into the habit of being scrupulous with my money. I'm ready to budget and make smart choices once I get a higher stream of income and can start the journey into the black. And, most importantly, I've had hours and hours, weeks, months, nights, and days of uninterrupted time with my Kimmy-girl. I've gotten to watch her learn and grow, conquer milestones, see the world through her own creative perspective, and enjoy each moment of her every day. She is the biggest blessing, and throughout any storm, I am always thankful for her light in my life.

I'm here. I'm ready! Hit me, life (in a good way)!

-Kels