Here I am again

I've done a lot of living since I wrote last. There has been stress and tears, good and bad. Lots and lots of change. Death and birth (literal and figurative). Lots of adjustment. I was so crippled by anxiety and obligations that I never felt relaxed (or awake) enough to spill words onto a page for the last almost 2 years.

It's kind of shocking looking back on this last stretch of time and seeing the journey. My daughter is almost 7. I've gotten 2 promotions and (finally) 2 master's degrees. I've fallen deeper in love and gotten engaged and married to the love of my life. Our wedding was my dream wedding, complete with lots of family and all of my very best friends. I've met some big professional goals. My husband (!) and I went on an amazing Hawaiian honeymoon and made beautiful memories.

I know where I'm going, and I certainly know where I've been. The times I felt hopeless and overwhelmed seem so temporary in the rear view. The times I yearned for one single friend where I lived are just a memory. I feel like I have people now.

I also have time. A seemingly endless stretch of time. It's the greatest luxury of all. I'm done with school! I don't spend my work days dreading the million things I have to do in the evenings now. I don't spend my evenings agonizing over readings and exams and lectures and papers and notes. Instead, I stress over how I can possibly fill all the time.

So this morning, the first morning I've really been able to fully relax since the whirlwind of the last month (graduation, wedding, honeymoon, new job, etc.), I took myself on a coffee date and did some much-needed thinking. Here's what I thought:

"Self, what are we going to do all summer? What do we want life to be now that life can just be? What do we want to look back and see a whole lot more of the next time we're sitting in this seat?"

And here are all the things I came up with:
• Playing with Kimmy as much as she wants
• Reading: anything and everything
• Music: anything and everything
• Painting: watercolor journal, canvas
• Gardening: grab the weeds and get dirty
• Hiking on weekends
• Walking in the evenings
• One purposeful workout every week (can include gardening or hiking)
• Writing: journal, blog, poetry, letters to Kimmy
• Mindfulness: coffee/tea, one thought at a time
• Church: just go and be open
• Cooking: plan ahead, try new recipes
• Traveling as much as possible

I have lived on lists over the past few years: lists of times and dates and obligations in my planner, lists of tasks on post-it notes, lists of memory jogs and random groceries we're out of on my notes app. Lists have been the glue holding my brain together. So it's quite fitting that I make a list of what I envision for my life.

It's going to be a transition, maybe the biggest one ever. Less phone time and deleting some apps that have helped me suppress swirling thoughts and be mindless when I needed to. More purposeful time spent doing real things and tackling thoughts head-on. Time spent learning how to play with my daughter now that I really can spend time doing a lot of that. Maybe I'll even pull out my stack of cookbooks and post-it flags and go to town marking recipes to try.

All I can say for sure is that I'm going to give it my best shot and go after my best life. I've made it to a place where I can breathe, and I plan to breathe in every experience I can track down.

More later,
Kelsey Ann Pierce Gregory (!!!)

Listen

Yesterday was my Kimmy Jarae's 5th birthday. She's 5! I really can't believe it. I am shocked that my little toddler got replaced by a big kid.

She had school yesterday (her 3rd day of kindergarten), but I still tried to make her day as special as I could. She got to wear her new My Little Pony (current obsession) shirt with Rainbow Dash on it. I gave her Starbursts for breakfast (well, pre-breakfast, since we're cashing in on the $1.10 breakfasts at school). I sent cupcakes and flowers and a balloon to her school (judge me all you want, but my child is not spoiled by material things. So I went all out for her birthday). After school, we ran to the grocery store and then came home to make dinner together.

We made gumbo. Kimmy's been begging to try gumbo for months. She loves okra, and when she learned that it's a key ingredient in Tiana's dish in Princess and the Frog, she latched onto the idea of making it for dinner sometime. We got tons of fresh veggies from the farmers' market this weekend, including the okra mother lode, so we were all set for gumbo cookin'. I thought her birthday was the perfect occasion!

I love being a mom, and I know I'm a pretty good one. One thing I seriously struggle with, though, is active listening. I'm so exhausted in the evenings and overwhelmed with managing a routine, cleaning, getting everything ready for the next day, doing homework, keeping some semblance of a social life, and getting enough sleep, that I generally do a terrible job listening, being patient, sticking to one task at a time, and sitting down to spend relaxing time with my Kimmy-girl instead of bouncing around the house like a pinball. I catch myself saying, "Mmhmm. Oh, that's great," to many of the things Kimmy tells me (or tries to tell me) in the evenings. I have horrible mommy guilt over it, and I resent single parenting for making it my reality. I'm the only person Kimmy has to talk to, and I ruin it a lot by being so lacking in energy. I'm just spread so thin that there is no way I can hit the evening portion of our day with a full battery. I get really down about it.

So last night I put my phone down and spent some real quality time with my baby. We (mostly she) talked, and I listened. She took me by surprise several times throughout the evening! I was so astonished at how much she knows and has been learning lately. Even the way she forms sentences now...it's like she's a grown-up trapped in that little girly-girl frame.

While we were prepping our veggies for cooking, I was dicing an onion. When I moved on to the garlic, Kimmy said, "I already know what that knife move is called, Mommy." I said, "Oh, you do? What?" "Mincing." I literally had no clue she knew that! She said she learned it from Princess and the Frog when Prince Naveen is mincing mushrooms. And then she helped me mince.

Next, she started munching on a green pepper--a favorite snack of my brother's when he was Kimmy's age. She said she loved it, and I told her she was awesome and brave to always try new foods.

The evening was interspersed with random friends and family members calling and sending messages to wish her a happy birthday like Nana and Papple and Nate and Brice, but we still got to talk to each other a lot. Probably my favorite part was when we were sitting at the bar together just digging into our bowls of gumbo when she finally opened up to me about how school was going. I've barely heard a peep about school since the first day, and it had me kind of worried.

We had a nice heart to heart about her class and teacher, her new best friend Averi who sits at the table next to her, how it takes time to learn new names and make new friends, how her school is pretty big compared to my grade school and how I think she's showing a lot of courage by not being intimidated by being around so many people. She told me her favorite part of school is that she's going to learn to read, and her least favorite part is not having nap time. (Cue the mommy guilt for her having to go to Latch-Key before and after school while her momma goes to work, which makes for 10-hour days.)

We finished up our evening with blackberries sprinkled with sugar, and I got my 5-year-old sidekick into bed only about a half hour late.

Kimmy's final thought before bed? "I have a question. What if we could swim in clouds?" She might be growing up quickly, but that mind of hers is still wild, innocent, free, and full of dreams. I love her so.

Parenting never feels better than when you're connected with your kiddo without distractions. My favorite ways to get there with Kimmy are camping, vacationing, and cooking. I need to make a point of it more often! But what would parenting be without lots of mini failures, right? I need grace. Lots and lots of grace. We've made it to age 5 with smiles on our faces, and we can make it much farther!

I love you, Kimmy Jarae-jee Jay-jee Jarae.

-Momma

A new phase of motherhood

The last few months have been really hard for me as a mom and just for our household in general.

Kimmy and I have had a huge routine adjustment. We've transitioned from having our awesome babysitter and her 2 sons in our home every day to earlier mornings of getting ready for school and work together and rushing out the door. In addition to preschool, we've added in dance class (and an inevitable fast-food dinner) on Thursday nights. We don't get home until 5:30pm most days and 7:15pm on Thursdays. Dinner happens soon after we get home. Then it's bath, books, and bedtime with lights out at 8:00pm. We're exhausted. We're cranky. We have a hard time listening attentively. We lack patience with each other. There are lots of apologies. Days are long and full.

But we're happy.

Kimmy is learning so, so much at school. She knows all her letters and can count to 20 (higher with my help). She asks me to spell every word under the sun, and she's starting to read beginner sight words with repetition. We read all the time, and she's so very interested in it. I love watching the gears turn behind her eyes. Oh, and she gets a TON of playtime. I really love her school.

Our life is filled with book fairs, kids' birthday parties, stacks of preschool artwork, playdates with school friends, long Saturdays of errands, and a messy house we're never in, except to sleep.

I guess I didn't realize how quickly it would happen once Kimmy started school and new activities, but I'm finally making friends in this town. This has been my biggest challenge in Bloomington--since it's a college town, people come and go and move on to different states and places in their lives. It's hard to make and keep friends because before you blink, they're done with this town and off and away. I haven't clicked with anyone in a close friends type of way until now. It's such a relief! Our next door neighbor and her kids rock; we have a ton in common. I know a few dance moms. I know a handful of school moms. I don't feel so isolated anymore! It's really nice to have a few people who are in the same phase of life with me. The introduction and hand-shaking phase is awkward at first (just like networking, which I suck at), but the rewards are great. I'm really excited to ride this wave.

Anyway, I'm just thankful for this phase of motherhood. My heart has been wavering a bit lately between trying to pull me back home to WV (where my friends and family and the great outdoors are, but where jobs and good benefits and a liberal mentality are not) and staying here. Now that the dullest part of my life is filling out a bit, I think I'll stay awhile--at least until I'm done with grad school.

Bloomington will forever be the place I remember as my growing place, no matter where I end up. This is where I found myself again and where I chose to plant my feet firmly, even when the soil was slippery wet. One day I'll look back on these challenging few years and smile knowing that I got to a place where the stress isn't quite so heavy, all while taking it in stride. If I've got one thing going for me, it's grit.

Now if I could just find the time and motivation to get in shape. Or maybe that's in a season up ahead, too.

Peace,
-Kels

Routines

For as long as I can remember, I've hated routines. Loathed them. Lots of people feel liberated and stress-free with a daily routine. I just feel trapped. Absolutely caged and boxed in, like there is nothing exciting about my life. There is nothing more boring and redundant and hopeless-feeling to me than doing the same thing at the same time every single day. In fact, that's a large part of why I chose a music major over a biology major in college (it was close!): the prospect of a free-flowing day throughout my career, being able to travel where the breeze takes me, and the ability to learn/practice/perform new and exciting rep all the time.

It's pretty surprising to me that I've wound up in an 8:00-5:00 job with a strict home routine with my Kimmy-girl. It's even more surprising that I don't hate it--actually, I'm learning to like it, especially since I know it has so many benefits for my baby! I guess there was a slight oversight on my part because I didn't realize how valuable financial and personal stability and health/retirement benefits were with this type of career path.

At the same time, I am actively trying to change up my routine as much as possible, so I don't get bored and revert back to that "trapped" feeling. I actually dread the day that Kimmy starts school because it will start a long set of consecutive years of routine. I don't even want to think about it!

One of the things I dread most about routine is the feeling of waking up to the same ol' thing every morning and the realization that I have so much to do before I can actually start my day. I'm supposed to get up at 6:30 each morning. Does that happen? Nope! I hit the snooze button, re-set my alarm for random times like 6:51 and 7:03 and 6:37 and 7:06 and my personal fave: 7:17am...only 30 minutes before I'm supposed to leave for work. I also change the names of my iPhone alarms periodically to change things up. Current alarms are "Alarmed," "Alarming," "WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and "Don't Hit Snooze!" The unintentional multiple-snooze approach leads to me being sluggish, having a bad attitude about waking up, feeling stressed over all that needs to be done before I can leave for work, and being super grumpy until I have my coffee.

I've recently caught on to a gem of a concept, which is much more bearable for me. I spend my weekends working on pre-completing my routine, so I don't have to do much of anything but roll out of bed and get dressed come Monday morning. I can plug away at my checklist at my own pace, stop and start, take a nap, work late into Saturday night if I want to (great option for this night owl, who doesn't get her big burst of energy until around 7:00pm each day). It's brilliant! I'm wondering why it took me so long to work it to its fullest extent.

I'm going to share a little bit of what I did late last week/this weekend in hopes that it will help anyone else with the same routine woes.

Thursday Evening
Since Kimmy was at her dad's, I worked tirelessly on our budget. I paid off what debts/bills I could pay online. I wrote down what needed to be handled by phone the following day. I worked on my budget sheet, daily expense tracker, and balance sheet. I basically got all of our ducks in a row and allocated our entire federal tax refund to all the things it needed to be allocated to and wrote everything down, so I didn't have to stress about how much money I had and what expenses were going to be coming in over the next few days. I always feel so stressed about money until I sit down and plot everything out. I feel so much better when I get down in the details and come away with an overview of what's going on with my finances. Before bed each night, I memorize the amount that's in my checking account going into the next day.

This budgeting evening was my best yet! We're so close to being into the black it's not even funny. Car is paid off. All but one medical bill is paid off. All credit cards are paid off. Everything but student loans, really, and if I continue to work for a non-profit/government institution for 9 more years, my loans will be forgiven. I'm on a Pay As You Earn plan for my loans with a total of $0 set for my monthly payment, so I'm just releasing that debt from my worry bank entirely!

I got a pep in my step walking into work Friday morning with my giant document shred pile and my newly very slim financial planning folder! I truly thank God for that tax-refund money. I know that the several years of financial struggles were so I would know how to use that money intelligently when it arrived. All things for good.

Friday Evening
I picked up my baby, and we splurged on a Pizza Hut pizza (our fave) for dinner: large pan with pepperoni and black olives cooked just a few minutes extra. Delicious and worth every bit of $16 including tip. I kept my pre-routining simple that night and just made a detailed list of everything I planned to handle over the weekend. I won't bore you with that list, but I will say that writing things down is key for me, both with getting my life organized and relieving my stress (hence this blog, which is the best Kelsey therapy ever).

Saturday
We got an early start to our Saturday! Well, Kimmy did. She woke up at 7:00am on the dot and wanted to watch "Peppa Pig." I set her up with my phone, and she cuddled with me in bed for another hour, while I slept. Love when that happens! It's a rare treat.

We went downstairs and ate breakfast. Then I busted out my computer and got started. First, I made a list of all the things we needed to buy. Next, I scoured all kinds of weekly store ads to find the best deals around town. Then I re-wrote my list by store and wrote down everything I planned to get from each store, along with the prices of each item and the estimated total to be spent at each store. I also gathered my coupons for each store and put each store's coupons in a separate Ziploc bag. This whole process took me a solid 2 hours, but it saved me a lot of time and hassle throughout the rest of the day (and a lot of stress about how much money I'd have left in my checking account after each shopping extravaganza).

After my list-making, I packed a lunch of leftover pizza and blueberries and water. I gathered all my shopping supplies (Thirty-One's Making Memories Rolling Thermal, Deluxe Utility Tote, Essential Storage Totes, and Fresh Market Thermal) for the day and packed my list and coupons. (If you don't have any big totes for shopping, I can hook you up! I love the income from selling my Thirty-One products, sure, but I love the functionality even more and truly stand behind the usefulness! They are seriously just so functional and total lifesavers, especially with a toddler in tow.) We got dressed and headed out of the house around 11:00.

Where all did we go? Everywhere, it seems like! The post office, Lowe's, Walmart, Sam's Club, Kroger, CVS, Target, and Speedway. That's 8 times getting Kimmy into and out of her car seat, which is tiring in and of itself, as any parent knows all too well. What a long and tiring 5 hours, but so worth it! I saved a crap ton of money shopping like this, and we only went to a few more places than we usually would. Not to mention all the free food samples at Sam's on a Saturday afternoon. Oh, and the pretty weather outside. It was a really enjoyable day, and Kimmy was very well behaved because she was having so much fun.

Normally, we shop for food every 2 weeks the Friday or Saturday of payday week, but I think I've managed to get us set with groceries and household items for at least the next 3 weeks this time. If I can keep shopping like this, I *think* I can get away with only going on one big shopping trip once a month with maybe one teeny tiny trip for fresh produce and a few gallons of milk in between. Buying in bulk is an amazing luxury to have in this country!

Once we got home, I put all our groceries away. I left my meats in the fridge, so I could separate out the portions and freeze them to save lots of thawing time once we're ready to use them. We had an easy dinner of grilled cheese sandwiches, put together our new shoe shelves and organized shoes, and called it a day. The rest of the evening was spent playing and talking and laughing, and the Kimmy and I went to bed early around 8:00!

Sunday
Perhaps it's just the sudden change in weather, but Kimmy and I both woke up not feeling well with coughing and sore throats. I decided we better not go to church, in case we were contagious, so we spent the day at home for the most part. Pretty sure it's just allergies, but you can never be too safe when volunteering in a room full of 2-year-olds who can catch things.

Sundays are my meal-prep and cleaning days. I like to space it all out throughout the day, so I don't get too bored with any one activity, and so I make sure to spend plenty of weekend time with my sweet girl. She so cherishes our weekends together (I do, too), and it's easy for me to get caught up in my to-do list and miss lots of moments with her if I'm not careful.

So, I tried to juggle a lot of activities, but I have some practice to do, especially when Kimmy wants to help in the kitchen while I just really want to get things done quickly. It's going to take some practice. Here is what all we/I did:

• took out the trash (I'm still gradually unpacking, so there are a ton of boxes and packing supplies accumulating through the week. Kimmy's Radio Flyer wagon has been a God-send for carting our trash to the dumpster!)
• vacuumed the entire downstairs
• did 3 load of dishes throughout the course of the day
• changed our sheets and pillowcases
• ran to CVS for a few things, including a Sunday paper with coupons
• clipped coupons
• checked/sorted/trashed mail that I had accumulated through the week
• balanced my checking account
• cleaned up toys (several times...lol)
• washed and dried 2 load of clothes (Kimmy and I have established a brilliant system throughout the week. During our bathtime routine, we take off our dirty clothes and put them directly in the washer, which is in the laundry closet right outside our upstairs bathroom. Usually by Friday/Saturday night, we have enough for a full load of laundry! I wash everything in cold water, so color sorting doesn't matter so much. I can start the washer before our evening bath/bedtime routine every weekend and pop everything in the dryer right before bedtime. Then on Sundays, I can wash sheets, towels, pillowcases, washcloths, and rags before church and stick 'em in the dryer after church. Painless! The sorting and folding and putting away part? Well, let's not go there.)
• set my coffee pot on auto timer mode (If you don't have a plain ol' coffee pot with auto timer setting, you're ruining your morning routine. Just sayin'. Keurig takes time. Auto timer takes a few non-rushed minutes of your evening and does all the work for you, so you just pour and go in the AM.)
• did food prep (Bagged my chicken thighs and chicken leg quarters in smaller portions, labeled them, and stuck them in the freezer. Started dinner in the oven: 1 lb. ground beef, 2 sliced potatoes, 5 ribs sliced celery, a sliced onion, and a can of diced tomatoes. Made a Mommy-sized hamburger and a Kimmy-sized hamburger with a little more ground beef and stuck those in the freezer. Turned the rest of the beef into pre-formed meatballs with some parmesan, egg, bread crumbs, basil, parsley, salt, and pepper and stuck those in the freezer. Made my refrigerator oatmeals for the week. Made some banana muffins with our old bananas and stuck most of those in the freezer for easy toddler breakfasts. Made my lunch salads and my veggie and hummus snacks and my sliced apples and oranges. About an hour of prep for all my work foods, and I've saved myself tons of morning hustle and bustle...and calories and money!)
• watched Frozen with my Kimmy Jarae
• took some silly photos
• cleaned my kitchen counters
• somehow got our baths and bedtime routines handled on time

It was a lonnnnnng Sunday, but it felt so nice to get everything done early. All I did this morning was wake up, unload the dishwasher and put my breakfast and lunch and snack containers in my lunch box, pour my getting-ready coffee and my work coffee, go back upstairs to throw on some clothes and make-up, put on my shoes, grab my lunch box and coffee, hug and kiss my baby, and head out the door.

That's a routine I can live with! It's so short that it feels like no work at all.

Over and out.
-Kels

A word on reassurance

I feel very under-appreciated lately. Each day for me is full of the same routine: taking care of Kimmy, taking care of myself, cooking, doing laundry, looking for/applying for jobs, etc. It gets old. It feels old. I have not been away from Kimmy for more than about 6 hours at a time since the time she was born, and I have never had an evening off. I'm not saying that I'm tired of being around her or that I wish I had more time away from her--that's not what I'm getting at. But it would be nice to hear some reassurance more than every now and then that someone appreciates how I spend each day and that I'm doing a good job. (No, this is not a plea to hear those words, even if anyone feels they are the truth.)

Tonight after going on a long walk, going to the grocery store, carrying in and putting away said groceries, cooking dinner, and doing the dishes (all while dealing with abdominal crampy-ness and a pretty bad headache), I sat down to eat my dinner and then proceeded to relax for the night. I wasn't fishing for a compliment, but after a rough evening and a long week, I definitely wasn't in the mood to be the victim of someone's mood swing, yet that is what happened. So here I sit with hurt feelings, feeling unimportant and insignificant as I so frequently do when things like this happen. Will I bounce back and be fine tomorrow? Yes, because I have Kimmy to think about. But I won't forget this feeling. It burns in me and makes me question myself, as all negative things, people, and situations do these days.

However, my point is this: If you appreciate someone, let them know as often as you feel that appreciation for them. It's much better to be overly reassured than never reassured. If you love someone, let them know. If you value someone's company or advice or influence, let them know. If you see a genuine good trait in someone, compliment them. If someone looks nice, and you can tell they really put forth a lot of effort in their appearance that day, say so. You never, ever know what deep, dark place someone may be stuck in mentally. Treat everyone with sincere thoughtfulness, as if they are in their darkest place on a daily basis.

Okay, back into my shell. I like to spend nights like this in prayer for a while before I go to sleep, so that's what I'm about to do!

Love.

-Kels