Listen

Yesterday was my Kimmy Jarae's 5th birthday. She's 5! I really can't believe it. I am shocked that my little toddler got replaced by a big kid.

She had school yesterday (her 3rd day of kindergarten), but I still tried to make her day as special as I could. She got to wear her new My Little Pony (current obsession) shirt with Rainbow Dash on it. I gave her Starbursts for breakfast (well, pre-breakfast, since we're cashing in on the $1.10 breakfasts at school). I sent cupcakes and flowers and a balloon to her school (judge me all you want, but my child is not spoiled by material things. So I went all out for her birthday). After school, we ran to the grocery store and then came home to make dinner together.

We made gumbo. Kimmy's been begging to try gumbo for months. She loves okra, and when she learned that it's a key ingredient in Tiana's dish in Princess and the Frog, she latched onto the idea of making it for dinner sometime. We got tons of fresh veggies from the farmers' market this weekend, including the okra mother lode, so we were all set for gumbo cookin'. I thought her birthday was the perfect occasion!

I love being a mom, and I know I'm a pretty good one. One thing I seriously struggle with, though, is active listening. I'm so exhausted in the evenings and overwhelmed with managing a routine, cleaning, getting everything ready for the next day, doing homework, keeping some semblance of a social life, and getting enough sleep, that I generally do a terrible job listening, being patient, sticking to one task at a time, and sitting down to spend relaxing time with my Kimmy-girl instead of bouncing around the house like a pinball. I catch myself saying, "Mmhmm. Oh, that's great," to many of the things Kimmy tells me (or tries to tell me) in the evenings. I have horrible mommy guilt over it, and I resent single parenting for making it my reality. I'm the only person Kimmy has to talk to, and I ruin it a lot by being so lacking in energy. I'm just spread so thin that there is no way I can hit the evening portion of our day with a full battery. I get really down about it.

So last night I put my phone down and spent some real quality time with my baby. We (mostly she) talked, and I listened. She took me by surprise several times throughout the evening! I was so astonished at how much she knows and has been learning lately. Even the way she forms sentences now...it's like she's a grown-up trapped in that little girly-girl frame.

While we were prepping our veggies for cooking, I was dicing an onion. When I moved on to the garlic, Kimmy said, "I already know what that knife move is called, Mommy." I said, "Oh, you do? What?" "Mincing." I literally had no clue she knew that! She said she learned it from Princess and the Frog when Prince Naveen is mincing mushrooms. And then she helped me mince.

Next, she started munching on a green pepper--a favorite snack of my brother's when he was Kimmy's age. She said she loved it, and I told her she was awesome and brave to always try new foods.

The evening was interspersed with random friends and family members calling and sending messages to wish her a happy birthday like Nana and Papple and Nate and Brice, but we still got to talk to each other a lot. Probably my favorite part was when we were sitting at the bar together just digging into our bowls of gumbo when she finally opened up to me about how school was going. I've barely heard a peep about school since the first day, and it had me kind of worried.

We had a nice heart to heart about her class and teacher, her new best friend Averi who sits at the table next to her, how it takes time to learn new names and make new friends, how her school is pretty big compared to my grade school and how I think she's showing a lot of courage by not being intimidated by being around so many people. She told me her favorite part of school is that she's going to learn to read, and her least favorite part is not having nap time. (Cue the mommy guilt for her having to go to Latch-Key before and after school while her momma goes to work, which makes for 10-hour days.)

We finished up our evening with blackberries sprinkled with sugar, and I got my 5-year-old sidekick into bed only about a half hour late.

Kimmy's final thought before bed? "I have a question. What if we could swim in clouds?" She might be growing up quickly, but that mind of hers is still wild, innocent, free, and full of dreams. I love her so.

Parenting never feels better than when you're connected with your kiddo without distractions. My favorite ways to get there with Kimmy are camping, vacationing, and cooking. I need to make a point of it more often! But what would parenting be without lots of mini failures, right? I need grace. Lots and lots of grace. We've made it to age 5 with smiles on our faces, and we can make it much farther!

I love you, Kimmy Jarae-jee Jay-jee Jarae.

-Momma

Guarding my daughter's heart

Want to meet a real momma bear? Talk to me! You will never find a fiercer child advocate. I love my daughter beyond comprehension (as do many parents with their children), and I will do absolutely anything to keep her safe and secure. Especially in the wake of the chaos and back-and-forth that she's forced to endure as the product of a split family.

What kinds of things do I do to protect her? Let's walk through a few!

1. Tell her that I love her no matter what. I recently read a great book called The 5 Love Languages of Children, and I highly recommend it for every parent. It stresses that each child has different ways that they feel loved, and it's up to us parents to recognize those needs and consider how our actions will make our children feel. Some children have many love languages; some have 1 or 2 that really speak to them. Kimmy has some of them all, at least right now.

The main theme of the book, though, is this: your child needs to know, hands down, unequivocally, fully, always, that you love her...no matter what. It's not tied to actions, behaviors, physical things, money, mood, stress, or any source of outside influence. Kimmy loves to talk--not just to talk, but to engage in back-and-forth conversation with question after question fueled by her curious little mind and often even if she already knows the answers. That lets me know that one of her love languages right now is words of affirmation. I tell her frequently that I love her. Even if she's mad or I'm mad or something's not going right. I let that little sentence--"I love you, Kimmy."--stand all by itself.

2. Give her structure and a solid routine. I can't control what goes on outside our house, but I can control our home. Toddlers are emotional little beings, full of fluctuating levels of feeling understood, appreciated, and confident. I happen to be blessed with an incredibly articulate little girl who is low on the mood swing and tantrum spectrum. (In lamen's terms, she's an old soul and has this amazing aura of emotional maturity that very few toddlers have. So cool to witness!)

However, as a child of custody and visitation and being passed back and forth and having her comfort disrupted, she is susceptible to deep unsettling feelings on the inside. I see it when she bursts into crocodile tears once in a blue moon when I come home for lunch and have to leave to go back to work. I see it when she stalls at bedtime and bolts up to ask in a slight panic, "Am I staying at Kimmy's house tomorrow?", "What am I doing tomorrow, Mommy?", or "What time/day is it? Do you have to work tomorrow, Momma?" At our house, she is safe and secure. We have rules and bedtimes and regular meals. We have playtime and talking time; reading time and praying time. Kimmy and Mommy's house is safe and sound.

3. Give her thoughtful surprises! This is my favorite thing to do as a mom. Every time Kimmy comes back home from being at her dad's, I make sure to do a little something to welcome her home and let her know how happy I am to see her again. It's not about gifts or spending money; it's about being present in my daughter's life--showing her that her heart, time, thoughts, ideas, and actions are safe with Mommy. I don't want her to ever be spoiled or to expect things, so I mix it up a lot and make sure that I'm giving her a wide array of little surprises and activities. The point is to make her feel loved and to welcome her back into quality time with me with open arms.

Here's a list of some of the things I've done so far:

• Pick up a fresh stack of books from the library
• Grab a donut with chocolate and sprinkles (Kimmy's favorite kind)
• Get a decaf Frappuccino and pour some in a kid cup, then scoop all the whipped cream on top just for my little lady
• Clean her room and lay out a favorite pair of PJs to wear at bedtime
• Write her a card and let her open it when she gets home
• Bake cookies or muffins and have them ready for her
• Go straight to the playground when we get home
• Set up a coloring station on the dining room table to spend time talking and coloring
• Visit the grocery store, let Kimmy push the cart (seriously, Kroger and Sam's Club are her 2 favorite places on earth right now), let her carry in a bag when we get home, and let her put the items in the bag away. (Okay, I'm aware this one sounds lame, but she loves doing this. I can tell it makes her feel so important, and she knows she will have yummy things to eat at her house when we arrive!)
• Put out all the ingredients for dinner and let her help me cook a meal (even if it takes 4 times as long and my hair turns gray in the time it takes for dinner to cook)
• Tell her a surprise (like plans I've made to do a future fun thing...in this case, Disney) and spend time looking at pictures and videos of said fun place online
• Give her my phone to play with for a little while when we get home. Those eyes light up, and she always feels so special that she gets to use something of mine!

I imagine this could get hairy if I ever surprised her with something drastic like re-arranging the living room or getting rid of half her toys. That would kind of defeat the purpose of welcoming her back to a safe place. For a more drastic surprise, I would probably have to create a longer period of easing her into it...or just un-surprise it and let her help me with whatever the drastic thing is. More on this later, I guess. For now, those happy smiles and excited words at all the little surprises are all my heart needs to know I'm doing something right.

-Kels

Enjoying the present

Today, I spent the day with my beautiful daughter. (Jarrell is in Indy competing in a voice competition for a $5000 first prize.) So, Mommy-Kimmy day it was. We really enjoyed ourselves! We played, talked, laughed, did laundry, ate, and gave each other lots of hugs. Even though she's only 8.5 months old, I feel like she's older; like she's been around my entire life. I just love her so much!

I have to say that my favorite part of the day was our evening walk. I'm trying to make this a daily activity, at least when the weather is nice. I've been waiting until 5:00-6:00 because that's when the temperature peaks, and the sun's rays get less intense. Kimmy loves to look at nature, people, and cars, and she usually hums the majority of the time we're walking. It's such a neat thing to witness. This evening we walked through Southeast Park and then on an unknown paved trail that borders a creek. I have to figure out what this path is! It was amazing. We walked to the serene sounds of a murmuring creek, the scurry of squirrels in and out of trees, and the evening sunlight glimmering through tree branches. Kimmy got so relaxed she fell asleep in the stroller! I got my work out, for sure. Much of the walk was uphill, and we went about 4 miles. Pushing 40 lbs. of baby and stroller is no joke!

When we got home, Kimmy had a dinner of avocado, pasta, mandarin oranges, squash, and a little bit of mashed potatoes. I made myself a hamburger and zucchini tots. Speaking of, here's the recipe:

Zucchini Tots
Ingredients
1 medium zucchini, shredded (approx. 1 1/2c.)
1 egg
2/3c. shredded sharp cheddar cheese
1/3c. bread crumbs
1/3c. corn meal
~1/2tbsp. salt, 1/2tbsp. pepper

Directions
Preheat oven to 400. Mix together all ingredients until well combined. Spray a cookie sheet with nonstick spray and form tablespoonfuls of mixture into flat disks. Bake for 18-20 minutes.

Voila! Next time I make these, I will try adding 2 tbsp. minced onion and flipping the tots halfway through to make them crispier, but overall, the first go was a success!

Now I'm going to finish up some laundry, take a shower, and wait for my lovey to get home. Hopefully I'll sleep well tonight for once, since Kimmy has a doctor's appointment early tomorrow morning in Cincinnati. I'm turning in my apartment keys, as well, so the lease from hell will finally be behind me (until they inevitably spring a cleaning fee on me, as all poorly-managed apartments tend to do)!

G'nite!

-Kels