Here I am again

I've done a lot of living since I wrote last. There has been stress and tears, good and bad. Lots and lots of change. Death and birth (literal and figurative). Lots of adjustment. I was so crippled by anxiety and obligations that I never felt relaxed (or awake) enough to spill words onto a page for the last almost 2 years.

It's kind of shocking looking back on this last stretch of time and seeing the journey. My daughter is almost 7. I've gotten 2 promotions and (finally) 2 master's degrees. I've fallen deeper in love and gotten engaged and married to the love of my life. Our wedding was my dream wedding, complete with lots of family and all of my very best friends. I've met some big professional goals. My husband (!) and I went on an amazing Hawaiian honeymoon and made beautiful memories.

I know where I'm going, and I certainly know where I've been. The times I felt hopeless and overwhelmed seem so temporary in the rear view. The times I yearned for one single friend where I lived are just a memory. I feel like I have people now.

I also have time. A seemingly endless stretch of time. It's the greatest luxury of all. I'm done with school! I don't spend my work days dreading the million things I have to do in the evenings now. I don't spend my evenings agonizing over readings and exams and lectures and papers and notes. Instead, I stress over how I can possibly fill all the time.

So this morning, the first morning I've really been able to fully relax since the whirlwind of the last month (graduation, wedding, honeymoon, new job, etc.), I took myself on a coffee date and did some much-needed thinking. Here's what I thought:

"Self, what are we going to do all summer? What do we want life to be now that life can just be? What do we want to look back and see a whole lot more of the next time we're sitting in this seat?"

And here are all the things I came up with:
• Playing with Kimmy as much as she wants
• Reading: anything and everything
• Music: anything and everything
• Painting: watercolor journal, canvas
• Gardening: grab the weeds and get dirty
• Hiking on weekends
• Walking in the evenings
• One purposeful workout every week (can include gardening or hiking)
• Writing: journal, blog, poetry, letters to Kimmy
• Mindfulness: coffee/tea, one thought at a time
• Church: just go and be open
• Cooking: plan ahead, try new recipes
• Traveling as much as possible

I have lived on lists over the past few years: lists of times and dates and obligations in my planner, lists of tasks on post-it notes, lists of memory jogs and random groceries we're out of on my notes app. Lists have been the glue holding my brain together. So it's quite fitting that I make a list of what I envision for my life.

It's going to be a transition, maybe the biggest one ever. Less phone time and deleting some apps that have helped me suppress swirling thoughts and be mindless when I needed to. More purposeful time spent doing real things and tackling thoughts head-on. Time spent learning how to play with my daughter now that I really can spend time doing a lot of that. Maybe I'll even pull out my stack of cookbooks and post-it flags and go to town marking recipes to try.

All I can say for sure is that I'm going to give it my best shot and go after my best life. I've made it to a place where I can breathe, and I plan to breathe in every experience I can track down.

More later,
Kelsey Ann Pierce Gregory (!!!)

Brave

Back in July when Brice and I went to Colorado, his mom was telling me/us about how someone once asked her to describe each of her children with one word. I thought that was so cool, the idea of boiling down your child's entire massive personality and being into just one word. I've been continually trying to think of the word I would use for Kimmy ever since then, and it has truly taken me this long to decide what that word is.

Brave.

Kimmy is brave.

In the days and weeks after little miss was born, I spent countless hours going over all the dreams I have for her in her life. How I want her to feel about herself, how I want her to be able to look back on her childhood, how I will love her and support her no matter who she turns out to become. One thing I wished deeply for her was to have a stress-free and care-free childhood.

Unfortunately, fate would have it that she didn't fully get either of those things to the extent that I hoped. Life in a single-parent home whisked her away to a reality of having to sense adult stress far too young. I remember shortly after we moved into our own house when she was 2 that feeling of insecurity she woke up with each morning and went to bed with each night. "Mommy, will we live here now, just Kimmy and Mommy?" "Who will come watch me tomorrow?" "Where will I be tomorrow?" "Do I have to go to my daddy's this weekend?" "Will you always come get me after I visit?" The fear of the unknown unsettled her. She didn't understand the back and forth between households for visitation.

But do you know what she did? Instead of losing her footing, instead of turning into a tantrum-throwing, behavioral and emotional hot mess, she took every piece of new information and just rolled with it. "Okay, I like Kimmy and Mommy's house." "I'm excited to see Brooke tomorrow." "I'll miss you, Momma. Can't wait til you pick me up."

She is like that with everything. Give her the answers to her questions of the unknown, and she intrinsically equips herself for the ride ahead.

When we're at a restaurant, and I challenge her to order for herself when the server asks me what she wants to eat, she rehearses with me and does it. That huge grin on her face afterward is amazing to see!

When she marched into kindergarten on the first day with not a tear in her eye, despite her nervous tummy that morning, and waved bye to me: brave as can be.

When a pipe burst in our townhouse this winter, and we had to pack a bag and stay in an apartment unit across the street for a week, not a complaint was uttered. She thought of it as a fun adventure.

When we go somewhere new or try something new, she stomps trepidation with curiosity.

Flexible and resilient are reactions, and she executes those reactions flawlessly. But brave is who she is. She doesn't choose to be that way; she just is.

Kimmy on superhero day at school

I love my brave little adventurer. It's still eerie to me that I no longer have a toddler, but I'm so excited to watch her grow into big-girl Kimmy Jarae.

-Kels

P.S. She loves school, and it makes me so happy. I am a big ol' worrywart about these things, you know.

P.P.S. Thanks for the inspiration, Vicki!

Standards

Hmmm, where to start on this topic? Let's go here first:

I'm a feminist. I will advocate for women's equality until the day I die. Equal pay. Equal rights. Removal of sexism from all aspects of life. There is no wrath like the wrath of a woman scorned, and media and society do a lot--both intentionally and unintentionally--to "put women in their places."

One thing that absolutely boils my blood is the societal idea that women are too high-maintenance and have standards that are both too high and unrealistic.

Society could not be more wrong.

Women have high standards because they know what they want, and they know what they deserve. We are clear thinkers. We may change our minds a lot, but we have coherent goals, dreams, and plans. I'd even venture to say that we're even better off for being mind-changers because that implies malleability and resilience and flexibility and adeptness and pure, effervescent wit.

Beyond that, we are absolutely entitled to have the standards we have--for people, for relationships, for jobs, for parenting, for gender equality, for healthcare, for women's rights, for life--and we should be lauded for having such a firm grip on our wants and needs.

A lot of times, "standards" and "goals" are interchangeable words. Why should one gender be allowed to set clear goals and the other held in constant contempt for it?

Sorry, men, but women keep the world running. We bring a hell of a lot to the table. I dare you to try to do it without us!

Anyway, off my soapbox. Kind of.

--

I'd like to advocate for women never to be afraid of having high standards and never to settle on something below those standards if it is within your power. It could lead to getting lost in a total mess, whether that's a bad relationship, a job that's a waste of your time, doing things for people who don't appreciate you, a whopping pile of debt, etc.

Set your standards high and hold your ground. Your life will be so much more amazing because you'll be living it on your terms. Circumstance and person will not affect your outlook and ambitions.

I've got a lot of standards for my future, and I refuse to find myself in a situation within my choosing that's too far away from those ideals. I'm specifically talking about future relationship, financial, and professional/educational goals for myself.

If I enter into another relationship in the future, it must be with an honest man. Honesty makes everything else tolerable, or at least overcome-able. He must be honest and worthy of my trust, time, and attention. Beyond that, he must be worthy of the time he will take away from Kimmy and Mommy 1:1. He must love my child as much as me and/or as much as his own if a blended family is in my future. He must be someone I can be comfortable praying with/around.

My financial standards include being debt-free with the exceptions of car and home loans in my future. I will save for emergencies, for Kimmy's college education, for retirement, and to help others. On these standards, I will not bend, unless forced circumstance would make it so.

I will receive a graduate degree, come hail or high water. [I think the generally accepted phraseology is "come hell or high water," but "hail" makes so much more sense to me. Natural disaster + natural disaster versus death + natural disaster. I've changed it to "hail" for myself. Why? Because I can.] I'm willing it to happen. I will not break this goal. I will work during my working years and my retirement years. I will help others all I can. Lord willing, I will spend my retirement providing free childcare for a future single momma around my age now, so she can work and save and not have to worry about the most worrisome time of life. But I can figure all that out when the time arrives. It's my plan, at least!

Why should I be made to feel "less than" for having such high standards for myself, my daughter, and my/our future?

Sorry, boyz. I'm standing strong. Row your boat to my island, or row right on by and leave me be.

Cheers,
-Kelsey

Picking and choosing

I am a constant observer. People-watching is actually one of my favorite hobbies. I find people very entertaining. Ah, the life of an introvert!

One of my most frequent observations is the pick-and-choosy-ness of people: more specifically, the die-hard following of one idea, juxtaposed with the blatant ignoring of one of its key components. It's a complex phenomenon, which always leads me to think, "What on EARTH is that person thinking?"

Need examples? No problem!

• exercising and eating healthy with a goal of reaching optimal health...while chain smoking on a daily basis

• strictly representing one political opinion without ever thinking through another alternative, when said alternative may negate the former idea

• complaining about never having any money, but constantly making stupid purchases like eating out every day

• religious denominations that are based solely on one idea from the Bible and pass said idea off as pure gold, while discrediting other denominations for being based on a different solitary idea...all while worshipping the same God

• being a germaphobe, but cleaning with germy things, like sponges and dish rags and dish towels and mops

• choosing one style of parenting and downing other methods, while having actually never tried them

That's all my sleepy brain can come up with right now, but there are actually zillions of other examples floating around in my head somewhere.

Anyway, I'm not saying I'm above the human tendency towards occasional hypocrisy. I'm simply pointing out an observation I see a lot.

I wonder what causes us to have such intense preferences for things? I wonder if some people realize they're ignoring key details in their quests for "the best _____" or "the most _____"?

--

In other news, I've been quite the dreamer lately, stewing on grand plans of novel-writing, children's-book-writing, re-honing my talent for sketching and watercolor, and learning to crochet. My problem is just that I never actually get started. If I were rich, I'd go on a writing retreat in some fancy-schmancy, tropical locale. Maybe I'd learn how to get started on item #1 or #2. One day.

-Kels

Follow through

My friends love me. My family loves me. God loves me. But all of these people know that I have trouble following through with things. One of my biggest weaknesses!

I absolutely love writing. After my sister died in high school, writing became a release for me. It helps me clear my head, and I love the imegery and stress-relieving feeling I get from my thoughts escaping my head out of my fingertips. It doesn't get much more cathartic for me, especially now that I'm taking a hiatus from music for an undetermined length of time.

Lots of new things have happened since I last posted. My baby is 1--well, 16 months this Saturday. She has learned SO MUCH. I can't even list all the things she has learned in the last 3 months. People say babies are little sponges, and it's the absolute truth. I also have a part-time job now at IU undergraduate admissions. Love it, but I wish it was full time. I really crave that stability, especially for health benefits. I'm still looking for a full-time position, and I trust that God will point me in the right direction soon. (Maybe I can make it a point to start blogging again, since I usually have some downtime between phone calls!)

Jarrell and I are good--we will have been together for 6 whole years in March. 6 years?! Can you believe it? I can't. Well, I can, but I can't. I love him. I have never found a closer match. I strongly believe he is my true intellectual counterpart and the person God picked out just to be my companion. He has taught me so much about people. We may look completely different on the inside, but it doesn't even matter. One of the best life lessons I've ever learned!

I'm thankful for the moments in the present right now. I've been able to get a decent amount of presents under our Christmas tree. Rent is up to date. Power is on. Insurance is paid. Things could definitely be better, financially speaking, but we are okay right now. It's been about a year since things took a downward turn for me with school/unemployment/moving to Indiana, etc. I'm trying to keep my head on straight and nip that depression/regret/anxiety in the bud and continue moving forward.

That being said, I have some big plans for 2014! I'm going to try my hand at direct sales. I know one product line I want to sell, and I am debating among several others for a 2nd product line to sell. I think I can do really well with this. I have the motivation to make more money, and I have learned a lot about product promotion from hosting a few parties under my friend-consultant's names. I'm also pretty persuasive, I've discovered. I'm excited! Now I just have to wait until I have the money for start-up costs.

Oh, I should also mention that we have found the best babysitter for Kimmy!!!! I come home to a smiling baby every day, and my miss loves her little almost-2-year-old playmate, too. We are blessed with a trustworthy sitter, but we are also blessed with our growing friendship with her! I just wish we could afford to pay her more. She definitely deserves it; that's for sure.

Anyway, I'll wrap this up now. Happy reading, anyone who may be reading this.

-Kels