Here I am again

I've done a lot of living since I wrote last. There has been stress and tears, good and bad. Lots and lots of change. Death and birth (literal and figurative). Lots of adjustment. I was so crippled by anxiety and obligations that I never felt relaxed (or awake) enough to spill words onto a page for the last almost 2 years.

It's kind of shocking looking back on this last stretch of time and seeing the journey. My daughter is almost 7. I've gotten 2 promotions and (finally) 2 master's degrees. I've fallen deeper in love and gotten engaged and married to the love of my life. Our wedding was my dream wedding, complete with lots of family and all of my very best friends. I've met some big professional goals. My husband (!) and I went on an amazing Hawaiian honeymoon and made beautiful memories.

I know where I'm going, and I certainly know where I've been. The times I felt hopeless and overwhelmed seem so temporary in the rear view. The times I yearned for one single friend where I lived are just a memory. I feel like I have people now.

I also have time. A seemingly endless stretch of time. It's the greatest luxury of all. I'm done with school! I don't spend my work days dreading the million things I have to do in the evenings now. I don't spend my evenings agonizing over readings and exams and lectures and papers and notes. Instead, I stress over how I can possibly fill all the time.

So this morning, the first morning I've really been able to fully relax since the whirlwind of the last month (graduation, wedding, honeymoon, new job, etc.), I took myself on a coffee date and did some much-needed thinking. Here's what I thought:

"Self, what are we going to do all summer? What do we want life to be now that life can just be? What do we want to look back and see a whole lot more of the next time we're sitting in this seat?"

And here are all the things I came up with:
• Playing with Kimmy as much as she wants
• Reading: anything and everything
• Music: anything and everything
• Painting: watercolor journal, canvas
• Gardening: grab the weeds and get dirty
• Hiking on weekends
• Walking in the evenings
• One purposeful workout every week (can include gardening or hiking)
• Writing: journal, blog, poetry, letters to Kimmy
• Mindfulness: coffee/tea, one thought at a time
• Church: just go and be open
• Cooking: plan ahead, try new recipes
• Traveling as much as possible

I have lived on lists over the past few years: lists of times and dates and obligations in my planner, lists of tasks on post-it notes, lists of memory jogs and random groceries we're out of on my notes app. Lists have been the glue holding my brain together. So it's quite fitting that I make a list of what I envision for my life.

It's going to be a transition, maybe the biggest one ever. Less phone time and deleting some apps that have helped me suppress swirling thoughts and be mindless when I needed to. More purposeful time spent doing real things and tackling thoughts head-on. Time spent learning how to play with my daughter now that I really can spend time doing a lot of that. Maybe I'll even pull out my stack of cookbooks and post-it flags and go to town marking recipes to try.

All I can say for sure is that I'm going to give it my best shot and go after my best life. I've made it to a place where I can breathe, and I plan to breathe in every experience I can track down.

More later,
Kelsey Ann Pierce Gregory (!!!)

I'm not afraid of your life

This is sappy, but whatever. Move your little eyes someplace else if you don't wanna read it. Brice and I are in love, and I don't care who knows it.

I knew he was perfect for me almost instantly. We were just magnetized. People tell you you'll just know, and I guess they're right. I never believed in soulmates, true love, my knight in shining armor, any of it. But then there he was, and he was all of it in one very real, very amazing person. Finally, someone who can keep up with me and can handle my zest for life!

He continues to do and say wonderful things that both reaffirm my initial impression of him and deepen my admiration, just totally without even trying. He is 100% himself, and I appreciate 100% of who that is. I told him he makes me want to write, and here I am writing.

And so you know, I have his permission; I'm not goin' rogue here. Brice is a super private and modest person, and he would never brag about himself. I want all my friends and family to see just how great he is, though, especially since he hasn't gotten to meet any of y'all yet, so I'm gonna give you a little feel for how he treats me.

I can talk to him about anything, and he doesn't shy away from the tough stuff. Instead, he says things like this:

"I'm not afraid of your life, Kelsey. I will be there through every stressful thing, and we'll go through all of it together."

Those are swooning words. That hit me right in the feels. This is by far the most meaningful, powerful thing any person on this earth has ever said to me. "I accept all your baggage and chaos and your insane amount of stress," basically. I have a pretty strong fear of abandonment when the going gets rough,  I guess, because my life is full of little fires that I'm constantly putting out, and I'm often completely frazzled and overwhelmed.

But even more powerful than hearing those words is experiencing how it feels when Brice stands behind them and proves that he's there, steady and strong, willing to listen, willing to help me through it (even when I don't even know how to ask for or accept help). I don't know how he does it, but he doesn't even falter. I mean, have y'all met me? I talk a lot. But there he is...even through all the screenshots I send him of annoying conversations with toxic people and huge essay-length texts venting about everything on my mind. I send a lot of texts (our count is 1,615 of them since August 4th when this month's phone bill started over). Nope, doesn't even phase him.

He just accepts me and all that I come with.

I've been missing him big time since Colorado last month, and he and Kimmy both talk to me about how they're itching to meet each other. So I decided Kimmy and I needed a little weekend getaway to San Antonio to make this happen!

"Kimmy and I are coming to visit you in Texas later this month, Brice!"
"I'm so excited! Does she need a car seat while she's here?"

Yep, his first thought once we locked down plans was my daughter's safety...whether Kimmy would be safe in the car while we're there and what he could do to make sure she was.

He also bought her a birthday present. He also talks to her on video chat and texts emojis with her and sends her silly snaps and includes her in all our conversations about what the future looks like. He also makes me laugh and calms me down and calls me beautiful and talks nerdy to me (hah!). He is a good, good man. He makes my heart happy. I am so thankful I found him.

To be continued.

#briceandkelsey
<3

Fall for the guy

Fall for the guy who will do anything to get to you, who never forgets to text you back, who is genuinely excited to be in your life.

Fall for the guy who never lets a day go by without telling you you're beautiful.

Fall for the guy who listens without judgment.

Fall for the guy whose hugs feel like sunshine and rainbows.

Fall for the guy who loves his family and can't wait to meet yours too (including your daughter).

Fall for the guy who can stop time when he kisses you, who makes everything slow and easy when he's around.

Fall for the guy who acknowledges, loves, and respects your independence, but who speaks directly to your love language and steps right in and helps with the overwhelming stuff anyway (like cleaning your biggest pet peeve: gritty kitchen floors) without ever expecting anything in return.

Fall for the guy who calls you, even though he kind of hates talking on the phone.

Fall for the guy who never once makes you feel ashamed when you write him an entire novel of all the things that are on your mind.

Fall for the guy who will put all his fears in the back of his mind to chase happiness with you.

Fall for the guy who drives your accidentally drunk self home, hands you a glass of water, feeds you an amazing meal he's cooked, listens to your random conversation topics, tucks you in, and then kisses your forehead right before you fall asleep.

Fall for the guy who responds to, "Want to go on an adventure?" with "I'll go anywhere with you."

Fall for the guy who holds your hand every chance he gets.

Fall for the guy who looks at all your flaws dead-on and still chooses you anyway.

Fall for the guy who makes you laugh, who makes you try new things, who makes you settle more deeply into yourself with confidence.

Fall for the guy who's not embarrassed to show you off to his friends and who says sweet things no matter who's within earshot.

Fall for the guy who cooks and brings you a plate of dinner and sits with you as you spaz out over an accounting quiz for a few hours of your life.

Fall for the guy whose actions and words consistently tell you exactly where you stand.

Fall for the guy who is calm and steady in all the ways you are not, yet accepts you just the way you are.

When you find him, he'll be exactly what you deserve, exactly what you've waited for, exactly what people have pleaded with you to know has always existed in the vastness of humankind. He'll leave you standing in breathless wonderment trying to figure out how you ever thought anyone else measured up.

WAIT FOR HIM, LADIES. He is real, and he is somewhere looking for you too.

BG + KP <3

Things I wish I had known (part 3 of more to come eventually)

I wish I had known that that piece of advice older females give younger females is so true: "Your confidence is the most important thing you'll ever have. When you're sure of yourself, it shows. That's when people will start to see you for your real worth. People are magnetized by a woman's confidence."

Like, it's really actually true. Y'all know I hate me some advice. But this is one piece of advice I can get on board with. I've been really true to me and confident in my decisions these past few years.

Annnnd....I've been dating.

There, I said it.

I've been dating. I have put myself out into the world. Was this a smart decision? TBD. The dating pool and the dating game are entirely different than when I was last dating (circa 2008). I mean, vastly different. The whole online component and all.

Also, I don't really think I want a relationship, so I'm not sure what the end goal is here. But, it's been really cool to be open to talking to different types of guys and testing the waters and just getting to know some dudes. I've met some really cool people! (And some duds, but that's par for the course, I suppose.) And I've met some guys non-confident me would've thought she didn't have a chance with, but that's not really the case. So, I'm enjoying myself.

It feels good to know who I am and what I'm about. When a guy and I differ on something--an opinion, a preference, a value--I don't get all bent out of shape and wonder if I can measure up. I'm sitting there feeling good about myself and wondering if he can measure up to what I want/need. Confidence makes all the difference.

Worst case scenario: I make some good local friends.
Best case scenario: I'm not really sure.

But, whatever. Girls: be you. Don't be a social chameleon. Just be you.

-Kels

New year, same me

2016 was the best year yet in many ways. It's the first year of my adult life that I spent my time being wholly and completely me--knowing who I am and what I'm about without question.

I squeezed in a huge amount of traveling for a woman on a tight budget: DC, Northern Indiana Amish country, Asheville, Gatlinburg, Chicago. I had a blast with my daughter at every turn. I talked to lots of boyz and got a fresh feel for what I like/want. I hiked and camped. I cooked. I soaked in tons of new music. I saw a couple bands live. I tried new things.

The only setback I had was my huge car accident in June when Kimmy and I both could have died if one single thing had been different. But I'm so glad it's behind us, and my hands are clean. I recently found out my car insurance company is suing the dude who hit us. Karma and all.

But, anywho.

Life is rrrrreal good.

--

2017 is off to an excellent start.

We're not even one week in, and already I've heard live music, hiked, been to a whole lot of new places, had lots of family time, and done a few adventurous and fun things for me that have comforted my psyche.

I've never been big on new year's resolutions. I feel like if I'm going to make a goal, I need to want to do it enough to make it my focus anytime of year, not just at the start of a new year. Plus, I generally don't feel very refreshed and reset at a new year, given that it's in the dead of winter and all. (I hate winter.)

So, this isn't really a resolution, but a declaration: I'm gonna keep on being me this year. It's working for me.

Peace,
-Kels

People

Have you ever uttered the phrase, "I hate people"? I have. And it's actually not true. Yes, I hate certain traits and tendencies that certain people have.

But I love people.

I love them. I want to base my whole career on people (human resources). I love how people are all different. I love how people make me laugh. I love how everyone brings something unique to the table. I love how people all have their own lens through which they see the world. I love how I have something to learn from every person on this earth.

Lately I'm obsessed with people who make me feel alive...people who set my spirit alight and make me see, think, and feel things I wouldn't all on my own.

Last night I got a text from someone I love hearing from, but someone whose work schedule and unique job keeps him off the grid for weeks at a time. This is someone I went to college with and worked with and was friends with, but was not super close with because we were pretty different. Over the past 5 years, we've each been on our own journeys of self-discovery and growing up, and our paths have somehow crossed again, this time with much more in common and a really cool blossoming friendship.

This is someone who gives me that alive feeling. (Yes, he's male; no, the point of this is not about a crush. This is about a person-to-person connection with someone who has a fervor for life. Lots of people make me feel alive like this, male or female, crush or no crush.) When this side of my mind/heart are ignited by a person, I find myself wanting to discuss every subject under the sun, travel more, listen to all the music ever made, write until my hand cramps and tempts me to switch hands, and never stop trying/learning new things.

There's a lot to be said for being passionate in this life. I think Roald Dahl worded it best:

Give me fiery white hot over lukewarm any day. People who can get on that level with me are my favorite people in all the land. People who aren't afraid to live, to do, to feel. I want as many passionate people in my circle as I can get.

Full steam ahead!

-Kels

The great outdoors

Being wanderlust and all, I fantasize about being outside and on the go constantly. I spend 40 hours/week strapped to a desk, and though I love (adore, actually) my job and the people I work with, I still find myself dreaming of being out in the world as much as possible. It fuels me. I work to travel. Travel fuels my motivation at work. As soon as I get back from one adventure, I brainstorm my next. It's a cycle that I hope I never outgrow.

My entire childhood, we camped and hiked and played in creeks and roughed it in the great outdoors. Those were our vacations. (We even camped at Disney World!) It was overkill for me because I felt like I didn't have a say in those decisions--I was outdoorsy by birth and not by my own choice. I compensated by shunning the outdoors for many years of my young adult life and even tried to convince myself that I was a city girl.

These past few years that I've spent in deep introspection, though? I had an epiphany and found a gaping hole in my life: outside, fresh air, mountains, patches of earth few humans have ever trod, nature sounds, endless skies of stars and clouds. I would rather be away and separate from than included in any day of the week, any week of the year. I'm a mountain momma through and through. It's in my blood, deep down in the very cells of my being.

There is just something so thrilling and cathartic about conquering a trail, a mountain. For me, it's like I'm climbing over all the gunk in my brain to a place of serene mental clarity. Like when I'm so small--this teeny tiny cog in the great wheel of the planet--that I somehow become immense in power and assuredness. Flashy and grandiose? Nah, keep it. I am a speck out there in nature, but I am sure and steady and totally content.

The blisters, the screaming muscle groups, the sweat, the cool/sharp/humid/dry/hot air hitting my lungs, the soreness, the dull drone of too much uphill/downhill trekking all at once, the fact that I'm fairly certain I'm going to lose my left big toenail--none of it matters because what I'm chasing on that trail is so intrinsically worthwhile that it supercedes all the setbacks.

This summer I hiked to Rainbow Falls in Great Smoky Mountains National Park. It's a relatively simple hike, though physically taxing. 2.7 miles up a mountain; 2.7 miles back down--about 3.5 hours in all. I hiked it all by myself at a time when I was desperate for some time to soul-search. My daughter was visiting her family in Pennsylvania, and I was all alone with a mess of thoughts to contend with and make sense of. I spent a handful of hours on the trail, but I took home heaping buckets of insight into myself, my life, where I want to go, what I want to see, the person I want to be. I stopped to take a swig of water from my Nalgene at one of several creek crossings, and I was so overwhelmed by my clarity against the sounds of birds in the trees, rustling leaves, and the trickling creek that I burst into tears. It's a feeling I can't even begin to describe. It may even sound stupid to anyone reading this, but I don't even care. It was so meaningful to me that I've thought of this hike--this exact moment--every time I've felt down in the dumps since then.

4 days ago, my dad and I hiked Rainbow Falls all the way up to the top of the mountain (Mt. LeConte), where we saw the sights from LeConte Lodge. Though it had only been 3 months since I was last on the trail, I felt like I was an entirely new person. The same path that was covered in fallen pinky-white rhododendron blooms just months before was now coated in a vibrant splay of purple, crimson, green, orange, and golden autumn leaves. The same change that I could feel within myself was literally visible on the ground beneath me...a blossoming to a prounounced deepening and maturation. It's amazing to me how nature mirrors the phases of our lives.

On this hike, I knew I would be tested. I recently made a vow to myself to always hike with the Ten Essentials, even on day hikes, so I had a pack of at least 10 lbs on the way up and 15 on the way down (I had some t-shirts and snacks we purchased at the top and newly refilled water bottle/bladder). I knew we would have at least a 13-mile day. I knew it would be unrelentingly uphill to the summit and just as steadily downhill on our return. I knew we would have a very full day and would be physically and mentally tired. Despite knowing what I was in for, there were still surprises and adrenaline rushes. That's something else deeply beautiful about being outdoors: you can be as prepared as all get out, and nature will still have unexpected fortunes in store for you.

All that being said, I reached my actual physical limit on this hike. I think better-quality boots would make a slight difference for me, but I can confidently say that for now, 16.5 miles is my limit. I think that's a pretty cool thing to know about myself. Maybe the AT is in my future as a section hike series, and I'll gladly accept that challenge if/when the time comes. But for now, I'll keep seeking out these day-hike mini adventures; they are enough.

Adventuring outside is no longer an option for me, but an absolute necessity to my being. Life, time, thought, perception, emotion, and expectation all take on completely different meaning when you're in an environment over which you have no control. And all the creature comforts like hot coffee, ice cold beer, cars, steamy showers, lotion, deodorant, mascara, warm socks, and dry clothes all take on different comfort when you return to them from the great unknown. This will never not be worth it.

Until next time, Mother Nature.

Peace,
-Kels

A new phase of motherhood

The last few months have been really hard for me as a mom and just for our household in general.

Kimmy and I have had a huge routine adjustment. We've transitioned from having our awesome babysitter and her 2 sons in our home every day to earlier mornings of getting ready for school and work together and rushing out the door. In addition to preschool, we've added in dance class (and an inevitable fast-food dinner) on Thursday nights. We don't get home until 5:30pm most days and 7:15pm on Thursdays. Dinner happens soon after we get home. Then it's bath, books, and bedtime with lights out at 8:00pm. We're exhausted. We're cranky. We have a hard time listening attentively. We lack patience with each other. There are lots of apologies. Days are long and full.

But we're happy.

Kimmy is learning so, so much at school. She knows all her letters and can count to 20 (higher with my help). She asks me to spell every word under the sun, and she's starting to read beginner sight words with repetition. We read all the time, and she's so very interested in it. I love watching the gears turn behind her eyes. Oh, and she gets a TON of playtime. I really love her school.

Our life is filled with book fairs, kids' birthday parties, stacks of preschool artwork, playdates with school friends, long Saturdays of errands, and a messy house we're never in, except to sleep.

I guess I didn't realize how quickly it would happen once Kimmy started school and new activities, but I'm finally making friends in this town. This has been my biggest challenge in Bloomington--since it's a college town, people come and go and move on to different states and places in their lives. It's hard to make and keep friends because before you blink, they're done with this town and off and away. I haven't clicked with anyone in a close friends type of way until now. It's such a relief! Our next door neighbor and her kids rock; we have a ton in common. I know a few dance moms. I know a handful of school moms. I don't feel so isolated anymore! It's really nice to have a few people who are in the same phase of life with me. The introduction and hand-shaking phase is awkward at first (just like networking, which I suck at), but the rewards are great. I'm really excited to ride this wave.

Anyway, I'm just thankful for this phase of motherhood. My heart has been wavering a bit lately between trying to pull me back home to WV (where my friends and family and the great outdoors are, but where jobs and good benefits and a liberal mentality are not) and staying here. Now that the dullest part of my life is filling out a bit, I think I'll stay awhile--at least until I'm done with grad school.

Bloomington will forever be the place I remember as my growing place, no matter where I end up. This is where I found myself again and where I chose to plant my feet firmly, even when the soil was slippery wet. One day I'll look back on these challenging few years and smile knowing that I got to a place where the stress isn't quite so heavy, all while taking it in stride. If I've got one thing going for me, it's grit.

Now if I could just find the time and motivation to get in shape. Or maybe that's in a season up ahead, too.

Peace,
-Kels

Introspection

I'm an introvert. As if anyone didn't know.

Sometimes I can't function in an out-loud fashion. I have these bouncing, fleeting, swirling thoughts that I need complete quiet to assess. I have to hole up and retreat inside myself and connect the bigger picture in my head. I'm always searching for profundity in all things, big and small. (There are actually a bunch of cool words for this phenomenon.) It's just my thing. I have been this way for as long as I can remember.

I holed up on Saturday.

When I go into myself like this, I just stop talking to my peeps for days on end. I avoid small talk at all costs (but let's be honest: I do this all the time because if I have nothing worthwhile to say or think that I'm responding to something that has no depth, I would rather not talk at all). It's like I can't come back out of my shell until I'm defragmented on the inside.

Until recently, I couldn't even put words to what this process is like, but here's my crack at a semi-articulate version. It's kind of like the 5 stages of grief as I weave back and forth through the different steps until I'm at resolution.

Step 1: Self-analysis. I like to see if I can boil traits and characteristics and flaws I have down to the events or people in my life that may have caused or shaped them. Basically I try to figure out why I am the way I am...why I do things, think things, and interpret things as I do.

Step 2: Complete radio silence. As little speaking as possible. Lots of reading. Lots of sleeping (well, as much as my hectic schedule will allow). Lots of calm and quiet surrounding my in-process thoughts.

Step 3: Synthesis. I start to think in essay-like structure about the dots I've been connecting, and then I write in my journal a lot. Though last night I couldn't find my journal ANYWHERE. I tore my house apart. I am so bummed. But I absolutely had to write in that moment to get clarity on a few things, so I made due with another notebook. It's amazing how cathartic it is to purge onto the page.

Step 4: Music. I go on a total music binge. I will stay awake hours past my bedtime to soak in as many tunes as possible in this phase. Last night I was up until 2:30am listening to Wild + Free on Spotify.

Step 5: Revamp. When I'm almost done cleaning up my insides, I start to goal-set and focus on a handful of very particular things. This week I've been hyper-focused on homework, clean eating, and drinking tons of water. My goal has been 1 gallon of water per day, and today will be the 3rd day in a row I've hit it. I tend to be kind of chronically dehydrated all the time (a bizarre holdover from my aversion to drinking water when I was pregnant with Kimmy), so it's good to feel hydrated and refreshed!

Once I'm revamped and in a groove, I re-join society.

Kinda weird, right? But it's me. Introvert through and through.

Peace,
-Kels

Ladies, don't apologize

I see so many women apologizing all over themselves all the time.

Men don't do this. Many men don't ever apologize, even if it's something big that they're clearly wrong about. I'm not saying we should never apologize or turn into assholes, but there has to be a limit. We're not indebted to society just by being female, yet I see these powerful, independent, wholly beautiful females continually caving to society's standard of being meek, demure, polite, quiet, subdued little creatures who are expected to not live their lives out loud when men are clearly not held to that same standard.

I think it's time we stop.

I'm my happiest me these days, and a large part of it has come from taking care of myself, especially mentally and emotionally. Yes, read between those lines: I've been putting myself first. I don't owe anyone anything, aside from owing my daughter a great childhood with a great mother...which in turn comes from me being a good, stable, happy person all on my own. And so we're right back to that mental and emotional health piece. See how that works?

I'm done feeling like my happiness comes from others. It comes from within me. I find it by paving my own way, following my heart, listening to my own head, and making my own damn mistakes--not from seeking out my next steps from other people.

Here is a list of things I've generally stopped apologizing for:

• my emotions--if I feel something, I am perfectly valid for feeling it
• missing someone's phone call
• not immediately responding to someone's text or IM
• speaking my mind or stating an opinion, whether it conflicts with someone else's or not
• how I spend my money
• where I choose to travel and when and with whom
• who I choose to talk to
• the clothes I wear
• what I eat
• what I drink
• my body/weight: I'm proud of this mom body because it's a freaking gold, chubby trophy of all the trials and tribulations I have endured over the last 5 years. It is what it is, and no one else is entitled to an opinion.
• my faith (okay, I've never apologized for this and never will, but I'm listing it anyway)
• the music I like
• laughing too loudly or too much
• crying, no matter the reason
• forgetting to tell someone something that they could just as easily have found out on their own
• not knowing if I want things like marriage, more kids, etc.
• my decision-making process on any topic under the sun
• not wearing makeup on any given day
• my timeline...for life, an activity, a goal, whatever
• the way I parent my daughter
• being good at something

It basically boils down to this: If you're a kind person with good intentions who generally does her best to treat people well and with respect, you've got nothing to apologize for. Your friends and family know you and know what you're all about--if they happen to disagree with something you do, you still don't have to apologize for it. Own it and prove them wrong! Do what makes you happy!

If you do something hurtful or wrong, sure, unleash an authentic apology and own your mistake; be the first to speak up and make it right. But if you've done nothing wrong and have simply encountered a personality or values clash, zip your lips. You don't owe anyone an explanation! If someone is offended by the way you live your life, that's on them. Free yourself.

Peace,

-Kels

P.S. Yesterday a really close friend inadvertently did something that hurt me, noticed it may have upset me, and took the time to reach out to me to verify that I was indeed upset. Then he sincerely apologized to me, and he even let me ramble on about all the reasons why it upset me and got on my level and listened to me. It was the best feeling I've had in a while. Who does that? Not many people. We're so busy blundering our way through apologies over the stuff that doesn't matter that it dulls the apologies for the stuff that does. Make it count when you tell someone you're sorry.

Extraordinary things

I find myself falling into familiar patterns all too often these days. I stumble upon a guy who quickly becomes a good friend, I sometimes develop feelings (sometimes not), and I play it by ear. We talk about everything, laugh a lot, get close, and I think things are great.

Then there's the ghosting (or at least extreme pullback). Reciprocal communication becomes fewer and farther in between. Eventually I realize I'm the only one talking. Then for a brief moment, I hit the bottom of this weird, emotional pit before bouncing back.

I think this a single mom pattern/weakness: happening upon someone who is a good listener, getting wrapped up in that feeling and talking a lot, and then realizing retrospectively that you've shared too much and been too real, and the guy couldn't handle it. This solo parenting thing is a lonely gig. It feels so good to have someone to share thoughts with. But based on my [very limited] experience, I think guys just get confused and scared.

Single parents have lots of thoughts, limited sounding boards, a super high level of stress and responsibility, and like no free time. Oh, and the list of things to do never, ever ends. There is always something, and we are the only ones there to do it. Life never stops, and peaceful pauses are rare. That responsibility feeling rubs off, and I'm sure it's an unpleasant taste for a non-parent guy. I get it. I really do.

I guess the part of all this I need to continue to drill into my brain is what while Kimmy is a normal part of my life, she's not a normal part of any one of these guy's lives. They don't get it--or at least if they get it logically, they don't get it practically because they don't live it. They can't separate her from me and just take me for what I am. I can see how it's all a bit intimidating.

I'm just SO BUMMED about it.

I'm not daddy shopping for my daughter. I don't want to talk about my child all the time. (But let's be real: she's a part of my life, and she's going to come up from time to time.) I just want to feel like a normal 27-year-old woman sometimes. I want a person just for me when I'm entering into a fun, maybe-more-than-friends-one-day dialogue.

I just wish that guys wouldn't assume the worst and be so quick to slam that door. I'm worth the stress and the drama that follows me and the time it takes to get some face time with me. I'm worth it all. The man who takes the effort to discover that will be one lucky son of a gun.

--

Guys everywhere, take heed:

Do not ghost a woman. She can literally see that you saw that message. It has a time stamp. Say something. If you're not interested, if you're scared, if you're on different pages, if you're going away on vacation for 5 months, if you're just looking for a hook-up, whatever the reason is...

Be real. Be honest. Speak up and break things off.

That's what it means to be a man.

That's the respectful choice.

Sure, you may not feel you owe a woman anything, and, sure, that may even be true, depending on many factors. But at least cowboy up and give her some damn closure. Even if she reacts like a fool, she'll still respect your honesty a hell of a lot more than never hearing from you again, as if she's not worth the ounce of effort it takes to text a 1-sentence goodbye.

When women say all men are the same, this is the type of BS we're talking about--because y'all prove it time and time again. Quit being so damn disappointing and prove us wrong for once!

--

So this is where "extraordinary things" comes into play. When I land in this emotional pit, I think to myself, "How did I find myself here again?" Then I realize it. My story isn't over--not even close. I am fine. I'm alive and healthy. I still have my friends and my family and my passions. I still have my mind, full of art and depth and dreams and plans. I'm still me. I'm intact. I'm standing. I'm better off.

I will do, see, and experience extraordinary things in this lifetime, regardless of who comes in and out of my story. And I'm actually never more motivated to dive deeply into my passions than when I find myself here over and over and over.

Maybe one great love isn't for me in this life. Maybe these small glimpses of it are enough. I have my daughter through it all, so where has love really gone off to? Nowhere. It's present and constant.

Being in this place makes words flow out of me. It makes me spend more time with my daughter. I'm a better friend. I travel more. I appreciate all the real people in my life even more. I toughen the parts of me that need toughening and settle deeper into the parts of me that need to remain soft. I take a good, hard look at myself and deliberately examine my headspace. So thanks for that. You're actually doing me a favor.

Take me or leave me, but if you're going to ghost me, leave me the hell alone.

-Kels

P.S. this post has been a draft for months. (I'm not happy with my first drafts lately, so I do a lot of slow crafting before I publish.) It's a culmination of experiences, not a passive-aggressive swing at any one dude. I'm in a really good place right now. If you're in my life, I hope you know we're good, too.

I want to be better

A lot of my thoughts lately have centered around my goals. What do I want in life? Where am I headed? How can I get there?

In an effort to not be as hard on myself, yet still uphold all my standards and values, I have boiled all my goals down to one goal:

I want to be better.

I want to be a better mother, daughter, friend, listener, achiever, dreamer, student, believer, writer, artist, learner, and adventurer. I never want to stop being better at those things. I will base decisions on that goal, and that will pave my way.

--

After 2 weeks away from my daughter and a weekend of her time being divided between other family and pet doggies, I felt overwhelmingly disconnected, both from my daughter and just from motherhood in general. Yesterday afternoon, I just thought to myself, "There was just an entire chunk of time where I have no clue how my daughter's life was. There was an entire chunk of time where I didn't get to be her mother." I vowed to be a better mother in our time together and really spend more quality time connecting with her.

Last night, I only used my phone to take a few photos and videos of Kimmy and to look up some silly prairie dog, elephant, and owl videos that she wanted to watch. Other than that, we just talked. It was the best evening I've had in a very long time.

I watched a little girl--who is almost a not-so-little girl about to turn 4--blossom from feeling uneasy about being back home and knowing she has a brand new pre-school routine coming up into my happy little talkative girl full of silly ideas, tons of jokes, and loads of creativity. She was so happy to be home and so happy to have my full attention.

We talked all about my travels while she was at her daddy's house. We went out and looked at the garden together. She had a fashion show and tried on her new school clothes for me. I showed her my trip pictures and surprised her with a few souvenirs. I bought myself a harmonica a few weeks ago and have been teaching myself the basics. She was deeply envious of my purchase and wanted to play it all the time, so what did I do when I saw a harmonica in a pretty blue case at the Biltmore toy store? I bought a harmonica!

We've started a Kimmy-Mommy harmonica band. Kimmy took right to it. She made up a song and consistently plays it over and over. I know anyone can pick up a harmonica and blow into it, but it's actually a tricky little instrument (you can't see where you're blowing and have to rely on muscle memory) that makes replicating a tune pretty hard unless you have a good feel for which of the 10 holes is which note. She's a natural.

After a very long and exhausting day and lots of evening playing, Kimmy got to sleep in Mommy's bed. We slept 10+ hours and woke up feeling wonderful.

I have actually not seen Kimmy so calm or happy in the morning in quite some time. I know the sleep had a lot to do with it, but I also think I was a better mother to her last night than I sometimes am.

It's so easy to get caught up in all the trillion things I need to do in a day that by the time I make it home after work, there's very little of me left to give. My daughter, as my only other household member, takes the brunt of that and sees the worst of me more than anyone, simply because she is there to witness it. It's one of many unfairnesses of single parenting: my child needs me most, but circumstance dictates that I have to be spread out thinly elsewhere before I can get back to her.

So, I want to be better for her. She deserves to see the best of me more than anyone in my life. She is my constant. Friends and dudes may come and go in the years to come, but I will always have my Kimmy. She deserves to always have me, too.

I will be better.

-Kels

Things I wish I had known (part 2 of more to come eventually)

I wish I had known years ago how to recognize my own unhappiness, and when I did recognize it, I wish I had taken myself seriously and not been so afraid to change the things that caused it.

I spent years in a loveless, lifeless relationship, feeling underappreciated, unloved, unheard, unliked, and utterly alone. Sure, it started out great. Why else would I have stayed, right? But it morphed into something I hated, but blindly tolerated because it was one of the only "stable" things in my life at that point in time.

Most of 2013 consisted of me being unemployed and caring for an infant alone. I never slept, or I always slept--you could take your pick on any given day. My daughter was the only thing that made me truly happy. I watched a lot of TV. I sat through many "you may have depression if..." commercials that listed off symptom after symptom, most of which I had, but swiftly swept under the nearest rug.

Do you know how scary it is to lose your passion for basically every single thing you ever loved to do? Because I do. It leaves you in a constant state of questioning: Who am I, really? How did I become so uninteresting? Why don't I like doing things anymore? What am I going to do with this endless stretch of time in front of me? Why can't I feel anything? Nothing feels right, and nothing feels real. I'd rather feel everything than feel nothing. They're two completely different states of "raw," but I'd much rather be the bleeding kind of raw than the cauterized kind of raw.

If I had known how happy and free my life could become, I would have struck out on my own much sooner than I did.

Now, let's flip.

Do you know how amazing it is to re-discover old passions and completely new and different ones? It's mindblowingly awesome!

I love to cook. I love traveling. Music--I love music again! I joke. I talk on the phone. I laugh my ass off! I love to run (even if I'm terrible at it and really should call it jogging with some walking mixed in). I love nature: hiking, all types of birds and trees, thunderstorms, lightning bugs, twinkling stars, sitting by a campfire and just listening to everything out in the dark. I love to be by myself and just think. I love to be in a room full of people and observe their every move--it's stunning to watch people's eyes as they think and comprehend what's around them or what they're going through. I love trying new beer. I love gardening, even if I have no clue what I'm doing. I love, love, love art. I love to paint...watercolor or acrylic, canvas or paper. I'm even starting to sing again.

Healing is a pretty cool phenomenon.

I hope to never get stuck in unhappiness again and miss the beauty that's all around me. It's a good, good life.

Peace,
Kels

Will I have more children one day?

A few months ago, I took my annual vacation with my family to Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg, TN. I don't remember where I was or what we were doing at the specific time I'm going to delve into a backstory on, but Kimmy was acting up. She was a little ornery and overtired on that trip and wasn't at her peak behavior by any stretch of the imagination--typical 3-year-old life.

There was another kid close to us, younger than Kimmy, who got her attention. While Kimmy observed the other kid, she got quiet. Some man or woman (honestly the details are a little foggy for me here, haha!) nearby saw the whole thing said something along the lines of, "Well, well, well...now you know what you need to keep her happy: another one!" Meaning another child. I just smiled and laughingly agreed while sharing "the look" with my grandma.

So let's break this down a little. Was this person trying to give me serious advice about my life or tell me that I needed ot go home and reproduce immediately to make my daughter behave better? No. Was this person trying to get into my personal business? No. It was an innocent remark. If anything, they were probably trying to relate to me as a fellow parent and say something pleasant that would help me realize that Kimmy's behavior was a little bad, but typical of a child her age and that they recognized me as her mom and wanted to say something to acknowledge that. It was definitely out of a place of friendliness being that we were in good ol' Tennessee, so I didn't think too far into it or take offense over the fact that, no, I'm not going to be poppin' out babies any time soon because I'm too busy being a mom and student and household manager all on my own for now. My main point with this backstory: it was an innocent remark that I didn't dwell on, but something that sparked a chain of thought within me.

Over the next several weeks, I caught myself thinking about my long-term goals a lot. Perhaps related to the this exchange, but more likely associated with the fact that I was taking midterms for b-school and had recently pinned down what my actual, real, live, solid career goals are. The future is looking really, really bright and stable! So, I've just been thinking about where I'll be and what I'll be doing in the future.

One lingering question has been "Will I have more children one day?"

For a while the answer was an unshakable, "YES! Of course I will. Why wouldn't I? I'll come across a man who treats me right one day, and we'll get married and have children. Plus, how could I be so selfish as to not give Kimmy a sibling?" While this may very well be the case, I can't and don't want to plan and bank on a future that I'm not in charge of. Who knows if I'll meet someone awesome one day? Who really cares? I'm happy right here and now. I don't need huge changes in my life to transform me to a happy state. While this scenario may enable me to still be happy, it doesn't define my ultimate happiness.

When I stumbled upon this stunning epiphany, a whole new possibility of thought opened up for me!

My answer transitioned into, "I would absolutely love to have more children one day and wouldn't be opposed to it, but I'm not forcing the issue. I have Kimmy, and she is everything I need."

Going even deeper into my non-need to have another child, there have been multiple pivotal events and circumstances around me and involving me recently that are pushing me toward other possibilities for my future:

1. Kimmy's going to be starting school in less than 2 years. This is huge. This means I won't need full-time childcare for her anymore. This means she'll be older and more self-sufficient: dressing herself, reading, writing, learning, forming her own thoughts and opinions, and becoming a big girl. This means we'll be out of the "baby" stage. My house can be cleaner. We can travel more. We can do more extra-curricular activities. Life will be just so much more flexible.

2. Babies are expensive, and not giving your child siblings does not make her "less than." Yes, Kimmy would love to have a sibling around full-time, but having vs. not having siblings doesn't set someone up for happiness or success in life. Only children also have extraordinarily fun childhoods and grow into extraordinarily awesome adults. Some of my very best friends are only children, and they missed out on nothing in their sibling-less upbringings. What's more, Kimmy now has a half-sibling. (And I didn't have to do a thing--ha!) I imagine Kimmy will grow to have a great relationship with her half-sibling, and I hope and pray that that is what happens. At the same time, how awesome will it be for Kimmy to get to come home to our house and have the quiet of her own home where she is the single child there? I think she's got it made whether or not that changes!

3. Back to a longer-term outcome of the more flexible life I speak of in #1 and the expensiveness factor of babies in #2, no further children gives me better projected financial health. Home ownership. Kimmy's college fund. Travel money. When I had the opportunity to travel to Cambodia and spend time with so many incredible and amazing girls who had been rescued from sex and labor trafficking, I was stricken with an overwhelming urge to help girls in need. Underpriviliged and at-risk girls, orphans, girls overcoming adversity, etc. There are so, so, so many children and young adults in this world who need someone to be there for them. If I'm focusing on adding to my own family or raising new infants I've birthed, I'm spending more time and money on me and my blood relatives. I'm not helping cure that spark in my heart that is so strong that I couldn't ever shake it if I tried. I have to do something else with my life. When Kimmy's older and can join me, even better. Maybe we'll even be a foster family or adoptive family one day. I don't know. But I know that I can show my love to children in so many other ways than just having more of my own.

[This has been a draft for a while as I've stewed and tried to think of more to add. I'm happy with this, though. In the words of the great Anne Lamott, "Perfectionism is the voice of the opressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft."]

-Kels

In-depth coverage: a year in review

Really deep in my head today. Trudging through the memories of the most pivotal and amazing year of my life so far. I feel so well-equipped for absolutely anything that may fall in my path from here forward. I've spent time in the trenches and pulled myself out each and every time with the help of God, friends, and family. But you know what? A lot with the help of just me. I'm finally giving myself the credit I'm due. I'm liberated. I'm free. I'm empowered. I'm owning my flaws and barreling through every obstacle. I know the definition of true grit inside and out. I'm resilient. I'm strong. Nothing beats this feeling.

Highlights
January - New chapter, new house, the voyage of Kimmy and me.

May - A glimpse of the way I want my life to be in the future (in retirement or whenever that chapter may come). Spent time on a mission in Cambodia being a voice for some amazing and powerful girls whose voices were stripped from them. Learned the meaning of being the hands and feet. Loved others before loving myself. Truly the most amazing experience of my entire life thus far. I would go back in a heartbeat, and I will go back at the soonest opportunity without hesitation.

July - Accepted to grad school. With my team, won the case competition against 18 other teams in our tournament and one of 2 team winners among all 36 teams. Really humbling experience to be around so many professionals, yet to realize that I've genuinely got what it takes to hold my own.

August - First real vacation with my daughter. We did Disney. We had a blast. We didn't spend every penny we have. We made memories. I single-handedly traveled on a very huge trip, air travel and all, with a toddler, and we made it back happily and safely. One of my proudest accomplishments ever, no joke.

September - Started the realest juggling act of my adult life: single mothering full-time, work full-time, school full-time, 2 side jobs, and so much more--and I made it work. I somehow kept the plates spinning. What a grueling, satisfying challenge!

November - Turned 27 and reached a huge epiphany: I don't have to be defined by society's standards of a 27-year-old woman. I can let the pressure go. I can release myself. I don't need to be married, barefoot, and pregnant. I don't need anything at the current juncture. I define myself. There's no race to be won. There's no race at all! I can decide everything for myself. I need no advice or outside opinions. Everything I have is within me and before me. This month changed my entire outlook on life and freed my heart. (More on this in another post later.)

December - Took a solo daycation to Chicago (a lifelong dream destination, both for food and for art) and truly had one of the very best days of my whole life. Time waits for no man. Kelsey waits for no man. Kelsey doesn't need a man. As long as I have myself, my adventurous spirit can never steer me wrong. Scared to go somewhere new all alone? WHY??! What on earth are you waiting for?! GO!!!!!!!!!!! You will never regret it ever! Live YOUR life on YOUR terms! This month is still in progress, obviously, but I can't help but mention that I've also taken up a recent [surprising] interest in physical fitness and am killin' my goals. I'm also all set for the greatest Christmas ever with my darling daughter. I cannot wait for all that's ahead of us.

But as much as this is a year in review, it is also a life in review. A life well lived. It's a hard life. It's a stressful life. But it's a beautiful one. There is beauty in every moment, every breath, every breeze. It's everywhere if you just open your eyes, open your heart, open your mind, open your arms, and let life in. If there is no wind, row. Make your own way and allow yourself to enjoy it.

I'm in love with life. I'm in love with living! I am tied to no one and no thing. Only the passing of the hours and all that each solitary moment holds. The very idea of soaking up everything here is exhilarating, and I can't get enough of this world. All the people in it. All the places to be explored. I yearn to touch it all.

I'm happy. Happier than I've ever been in my adult life. How did I even get here? (Through a whole lot of bad.) Was it pretty? (No.) Was it messy? (Undeniably so.) The path was long and hard and incredibly daunting and imperfect, but I have arrived. I have felt every emotion in the book this year without exception. Every valley and high, I have experienced. Dark, depressing weekends when my daughter was away, and I spent 48 hours lying in my bed simply existing with the deafening, noisy thoughts inside my head until I could go pick her up and fall back into our normal pace. The last evening in Cambodia with my soul sisters, such beautiful daughters of Christ, when half of us were sobbing, half were smiling, we all were praying and singing to Jesus--when the evening sky turned the most vibrant bright pink, and I could have sworn we saw the face of God right there on that slab of cement. Direct juxtapositions of huge, heavy emotions and off-the-wall experiences that make absolutely no sense side by side. But this is my life. It's the only one I've got. How can I not love every moment with every fiber of my being?

One burning questions laps at the edges of my mind at all times, but I now have the answer. Am I enough? Of course I am enough. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent (Eleanor Roosevelt). God has blessed me with this incredible life, and I am enough. I am a mother, daughter, sister, friend, adventurer, jokester, writer, art lover, traveler, foodie, dreamer, weirdo, idealist, wit master, and more. And I am enough for all of the people who meet me in those roles. Beyond that, I don't care what anyone thinks because I love me. I am happy with the way I am. I know myself. I love myself. I'm living a genuine and authentic life, totally true to myself, and there's no way I'd rather be.

-Kels

Pulling up the weeds

There's just something so deeply rewarding and richly symbolic about pulling up weeds. As I was working in my garden this afternoon, the thought occurred to me that the work I was doing with my hands had more real-life applications than I'd ever before dared notice. Amazing how getting lost in a physical action so rote, routine, and familiar can take your mind to somewhere completely new that draws you to such profound conclusions. There's an art to slowly pulling up those little plants that grow against all odds, disrupting the perfectness of a well-organized garden variety. The gentle tug and lift of some; the necessary act of digging and roughly pulling with others. So, too, exist the tugs and pulls of life.

Musings on Weeds

If you don't get rid of problems fully and opportunistically, they'll come back over and over until you're forced to deal with them head-on. Removal of weeds from a garden bed requires care and attention. You want to get rid of the whole plant. If you pull too hard, you'll have a handful of greenery, and you may not even see a visible weed remaining in the ground. But, carelessly leave the roots behind, and you'll inadvertently re-establish the cycle of pesky growth--just like problems and problem-people (like those toxic, negative people that you eventually have to truly unfriend) in your life.

When you spend time trudging through the weeds, you notice things you never would have noticed otherwise. Life's not all sunshine and rainbows. There are bad times. There are things you won't want to do or surround yourself with. But when you accept it and rest there...just be there in those less-than-ideal places, you'll still find beauty. Like the dozens of itty bitty buds on my vegetable vines that will be zucchini and squash in the coming weeks. Like the pinky-gray-brown earthworms that live under the earth, silently nurturing my plants' roots. Like the teeny tiny purpley-green clover that so delicately hide among the leaves of other plants. A bird's feather resting gently against a stem. A stone so perfectly round and smooth. Had I spent 2 hours even sitting still in nature on my bum, I wouldn't have noticed these things. It took getting on hands and knees, fingers covered in dirt, spade and cultivator in hand, to have my eyes opened to these little wonders. Beyond the sweat and labor was beauty in its purest form.

Sometimes things that appear to be a certain way are, in reality, something vastly deeper and more complex. Let's take dandelions as an example. They look harmless enough on the surface. They're known to be edible, even, and appear on 5-star menus in dandelion green salads across the country. Zig-zaggy-edged leaves, yellow flowers, and the fun gray puffs that you blow to pollenate the dandelion weed that much further. But have you ever tried manually removing them from your garden? Those plants are a beast! No kidding, I've pulled out roots 1 foot long from my garden. There's more than meets the eye with those suckers! And it's the same in life. Things are rarely merely what they seem to be. Never evaluate something only at face value--you'll be deceived.

Value is subjective. Do I assign value and worth to the weeds in my garden? Nope. The vegetables I've planted, though, are a vision of organic nirvana in my mind. Fresh squash, tomatoes, green beans, and more that I've cultivated from seed to mature plant, that I've watched and inspected after each summer storm and sunny day, that I will pluck straight from the vine and eat in their still-warm form ripened just so from the sun's rays? Bliss. Meanwhile, bees happily dine on the blossoms of the dandelion and clover plants. Birds snatch up any old leaf or twig for a nest accoutrement. Rabbits, who love carrots and other vegetables, will just as easily munch on a fresh patch of regular green grass. Why do we waste so much time stating who or what is so much more important that this or that? We humans are all just trying to get by. There are no weeds, no less-thans. God's grace makes us all equal. The only real value is our value in him, not some false valuing system that exists in our minds and in our culture. Human is human.

Doing the rough stuff gets easier. This was my 4th time doing an in-depth de-weeding of my garden this summer. The first time, there were so many weeds that I didn't dare spend the necessary amount of time to get them all. Had I done so, I could have filled a whole trash bag. I filled 3 Kroger bags to the brim and called it a day. The next time, I filled 2 bags. The 3rd time, 1. Today, half of a bag. I find that this is true with any rough thing in life that I choose to tackle head-on. Budgeting, assessing my debt ratio, having a hard conversation with someone, deep cleaning my house, sticking up for myself, whatever. The more I give it a valiant effort and keep at it on a regular basis, the easier it becomes.

You don't know something/someone's limits until you've seen them weather a storm. This summer has been so rainy. I actually haven't been complaining because the days have been so mild, and my power bill has been so low. There's also almost nothing more refreshing than summer rain--(I do love the dog days, though, and wish it would heat up at least a little)--but it's been torturous to some of my vegetable plants. Peas? What few weren't consumed by chipmunks and made it to the seedling phase were uprooted and overturn in the muddy soil after a single summer storm. Tomatoes? One plant snapped clear in half (though I did manage to tie it to the stake in a way that made the stem graft back onto itself, and it's still alive and even has a handful of blooms). Watermelon? The shrimpy growth would make you think I planted them a week ago, instead of a month ago. Eggplant? Very few even sprouted, the soil was so wet. Herbs? Surviving, not thriving. (You catch my drift.) My dandelions and other weeds whose names I haven't even bothered to learn? Sturdy and sprightly as I don't even know what. There are no words to describe how well they've flourished in the near-flooded conditions of this summer. Certain things and people crumble under pressure; others thrive. You often don't know which it'll be until the water gets hot. Why label people? Let them be. Let their reactions to their circumstances show you who they are. It might just save you from eating your foot!

I love that I've found an activity that helps me think with such clarity. I actually can't wait until it's time to weed my garden again! (See? Rough stuff = easier.) I think I'll use that time to also pull up the weeds in my head and clear my mind.

More later,
-Kels

What it means to be a single momma

So I've been doing the single mom thing for 3 and a half months now. Because of the way my disastrous relationship with cheaterman wound down, I was pretty much already in the single mom role for quite a while...I just didn't really know it at the time.

When someone checks out in a relationship, the teamwork meter plummets. Zip. Zilch. Nada. No collaborative work in parenting, finances, household management, discipline, anything. Suffice it to say that I'm used to setting the pace for my household.

Since being thrust into this role, I continually have friends and loved ones in my ear saying things like...

"You're so strong!"

 "I could never do all that you do and hold it together."

"Aren't you mad or bitter? You don't act like it. I'd be livid."

"You're doing awesome! Being a single mom must not be as bad as it's made out to be."

Not to discount those incredible compliments, but...

Yeah--let's talk.

I appreciate the admiration, but things are a whole lot different from my perspective. The ire is there. The rage exists. The self-pity comes bubbling up in my darkest moments. I'm human; I promise. It is hard; I assure you. Let me break it down a little bit:

1. I don't ever get a break. Ever. Being forced to continue out this lease with cheaterman (let's shorten it to CM...I'm tired of the time it takes to even type out the word) only exacerbates that issue. Even when I don't have to technically be "on" in my mom role with Kimmy (like when CM is giving Kimmy a bath and doing her bedtime routine), I really do still have to be on. There is no companion to take the load off me long enough for me to go be by myself and decompress. There's no one there to even respect that that is a need I have.

I have a constant internal storm raging in my head, but I have to keep my emotions and reactions in check so that Kimmy doesn't see how on edge I am. Example: CM sings constantly. Loudly. Obnoxiously. Perhaps to purposely annoy me (as if he hasn't already done enough to show his disrespect for me)! The lyrics are frequently sexually explicit, full of swear words. (Kimmy actually sings some of these songs, though she doesn't know the words. But I have to say, "Oh, Mommy doesn't like that song. Let's sing a different one." Thankfully, that usually leads to a spirited rendition of "Jesus Loves Me." But I digress.)

I feel like I need to make it more clear. The singing is CONSTANT. The noise pollution is enough to make me want to punch a hole in every wall in this house. Add on some other things that CM gets huffy and puffy about that I'm apparently doing incorrectly (as if he really deserves to be able to scrutinize me), like the fact that I rarely find time to do the dishes when I'm about to collapse at the end of the day, and I'm a veritable walking thunderstorm.

I want to EXPLODE--release the Kraken, if you will. Can I really do that, though? No, I can't. What do I do instead? Play it cool for my sweet Kimmy. After all, we share a room. I said I don't get a break, right? It's true. Not even when I'm sleeping.

2. Slightly different than never getting a break: I'm always busy. Pushed-to-the-max, on-overdrive busy. When I'm not wiping a snotty nose with a "chih-chyoo" or reading a book or playing chase or making toddler snack foods or changing a diaper or doing a bedtime routine or taking the child to an appointment or letting her do something all by herself that would take a nanosecond for me to do all by myself, I'm...
     at work full time,
     trying to squeeze in an errand of my own,
     working on our financial planning,
     doing a marketing plan for the month for my Thirty-One business,
     reading up on my training materials for my new PartyLite business,
     hosting an online party for one of the said side businesses,
     trying to catch up on my reading for my church small group,
     going to church on Wednesdays and Sundays,
     clipping coupons and planning grocery trips on a budget,
     dreaming about the hot shower that I don't have time to take,
     paying bills,
     meal planning or cooking,
     tossing in a load of laundry when there are zero clean clothes and wildly hoping that I can stay awake long enough to put it in the dryer to be able to have something to wear the next day,
     worrying, praying, stressing, and worrying some more.

My purse is literally full of post-it notes and short lists I've jotted down for myself on scratch paper in the vain hope of being able to remember all there is that I have to do on a daily basis.

My work calendar is color-coded in an attempt to help me keep my head on straight. I have a bagillion reminders set on my phone. I set 4 alarms every morning as a contingency to the repeated snooze-hitting habit that has spurned from sheer exhaustion. Let's not even talk about the Notes app on my phone. I'm surprised my head hasn't twisted clear off my neck.

I feel late, disorganized, underprepared, confused, forgetful, behind, and to be frank, the exact opposite of "strong" or "graceful" or "poised" or "put together" or "admirable" almost all of the time.

3. I'm constantly paranoid that someone will pity me. Let's face it: people look at your left ring finger. You turn a certain age...we'll say 20-something...and, especially when you're a woman, people look at the ring finger. When you have a 2-year-old in tow everywhere you go, people know. They know you're a single mom. They don't know how or why or for how long, but they know. Then there's that look they give you. The annoyed or distracted expression that suddenly softens ever so slightly, enough for you to see that they wouldn't wish what they perceive your situation to be on anyone on this earth.

I'll just come right out with it: Don't pity me. Please, don't pity me. That's the worst thing you can do for a single momma's heart. It leaves her feeling that someone thinks she's lost, hopeless, unstable, or even searching. I am not any of those things. I may be a bit rattled, stressed, or anxious, but I am far from any of those things.

And I am certainly not searching. I have the Cross before me, my family and friends beside me, and the world behind me. The Promise is greater than the problems. You think I'll be living paycheck to paycheck in heaven? Wrong-o. You think I'll have endless tasks on my meaningless to-do list? Nope. I'll be free as a bird, not a care in the world.

Pity him. Cheaterman. He is the hopeless one. He is the one without. He is missing out on his future. Not me.

--

All that being said, here's my single momma number 4:

I am the most honest, raw, real, shameless, humble, selfless woman you will ever meet.

And here's a secret: all single mommas are. Or at least all the ones who give this unchosen job every ounce of their effort.

Why? We have nothing to hide.

When you're stretched to the breaking point every second of the day, you are stripped of all illusions and pretenses.

When you do everything in your power to be the best version of you for your child 24/7--when you commit to putting yourself on the back burner to care for her and ensure her happiness at all costs--love takes hold and steers your every move. Yes, you will make mistakes. Yes, you will at times be [embarrassingly] impatient. But no one can ever take away your motherhood, your character, your core. No one can ever argue that you don't love your child abundantly and without limits. Top that off with God's limitless love, and there is absolutely no reason under the sun to be ashamed of the label that will now stick with you through your entire life, no matter what future relationship(s) or circumstances may come.

Am I a single mom? Yes--and proud of it! Single mom means my child will never be without or lacking. I will never, ever give up on her...on us.

<3,
Kels

Lost pieces

So, it's been a while. A LONG while. There's so much on my mind that, despite the skilled writer in me, I'm not sure where to start. Let's do a very brief summary to bring you up to speed:

• In March, I got engaged.

• In May, that same man who proposed to me began a new relationship, unbeknownst to me.

• In August, things came to a head. I learned the cause of his bizarre, dismissive, borderline emotionally abusive behavior.

• After 3 months of bold-faced lies and a whole mess of wasted time and energy and emotion, things were over.

 To put it simply,

THANK GOD.

But things in my life are rarely that simple, as is also the case here.

My sweet Kimmy Jarae is caught in the middle of this giant mess and her father's poor decision-making, a decision where he chose a "woman" who would blatantly and selfishly choose herself over the happiness and well-being of his own daughter, his flesh and blood. I fear my Jay-jee girl will be heartbroken time and again throughout her life, and there is no way for me to shield her from the repeated blows. (Also, we are trapped in a lease with cheaterman until July 24, 2015. For real. Yuck.)

Here's our Band-Aid fix: I have moved in with Kimmy. That's right--my 2-year-old and I share a room. I'm okay with that because she is awesome, and she's such a happy little bunk mate.

I am not okay with being under someone's thumb, though. I'm much too independent for that, and he deserves never to know where I am or what I am doing. But I'm focusing all my energy on being a damn good mom, excelling in my job, paying off debt and living on a tight budget, drawing nearer to Jesus, and being strong and happy and self-sufficient for my wonderful child.

 --

So that brings me to my next theme: lost pieces.

Do you know how exhausting it is spending 6 and a half years caring about someone who stopped caring long ago? Do you know the feeling of emptiness from all the pieces of yourself you have given away to someone who will toss them in the nearest dumpster at the first opportunity?

(Let me be clear: I am not sad about this grueling relationship being over. I am not grieving the loss of that person. He is not the same person now that I used to love, and I had been spiraling quickly into unhappiness over those last few months at the concept of being "stuck" with the person he is now for life. Finally knowing what caused his personality shift? That's all the closure I needed! Trust when I say, "I am over it." I could not be more over it. You may think I'm in denial. I'm not. Therefore, I have no need to convince you of such. No metaphor or simile or literal statement could describe how self-aware and in tune with my feelings I am, and that's the God-honest truth.)

The emptiness I'm talking about is the absence of me...pieces of me. The realization of the sheer number of jokes, dreams, laughs, memories, musings, feelings, and pieces of my character and my being and my true self that I have given away to that pair of ears. The amount of time I have spent with that other person. The wasted time and wasted energy that I cannot take back. I can't say, "Oh, hey. Give my back those 1290735 hours I spent with you, so I can re-shape some memories that don't include you. Give me my words and actions back. I need a re-do with people who I know have my back and always will."

This seems to be an ongoing theme in my life. This emptiness occurs after a death, too. Or when 2 friends grow too busy for each other and fall out of touch, and neither is blameless. When my sister died, she quite literally took all those pieces of me with her to the grave, and I will take just as many to my grave. There were so many things just the two of us shared that no one else ever knew about or could understand or really even deserves to know about. So many memories we experienced that no one else can touch. The only difference is that it wasn't wasted with Kim. I will treasure the ache of those lost pieces always because I know I can have them back when I see her in heaven. And by some odd phenomenon, I am still complete in my emptiness with her--nothing was wasted...only halted.

With my now-combusted relationship, I will never have, nor want those lost pieces again.

That knowledge still doesn't magically erase my emptiness, but it does give me some wisdom to take with me into my life from here forward: it matters who you choose as the keeper of your pieces of yourself. If you can't trust that someone can cherish your pieces like you deserve, you don't need them in your life. If someone doesn't respect your pieces, they aren't worth the time and energy you would exhaust to grant them those tiny shards of your self, your being, your soul.

It's one of the biggest risks we ever take...opening up to another human being. Granting them access to heart and soul and mind and time. I don't regret anything in my life, for each day is a lesson learned. I only regret not having the hindsight I have now. But, really, what fun would life be if we lived with foresight? This is just another chapter in Kelsey's Grand Adventure.

e.e. cummings said it best in "i carry your heart." I carry my sister's heart and my mother and father and brother's hearts. I carry my daughter's heart and my best friends' hearts. My grandmother. My old friends and a select few new. And I know for a fact that they carry mine, too.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
-e.e. cummings

It's onward and upward from here, my dears. I will likely never again give away so many pieces of me to one single person, and I will be all the better for it. I'm not hardened; I'm in charge. I'm not damaged; I'm setting my own precedent. I am most certainly not jaded; I've just burned a bridge with one single, solitary person in this big, huge walk of life, which is full to the brim of ten times as many beautiful people.

I'm reclaiming me...un-apologetically so.

Over and out.
-Kels

Life before and after Kimmy

It's no secret that my daughter was a huge surprise. After our initial shock, Jarrell and I quickly accepted that Kimmy would be part of our lives without ever looking back. She is such a joy!

We all have our tales of pre-baby naïveté, though, and this is mine.

While I was pregnant with Kimmy, Jarrell and I basically did whatever we wanted when we wanted. We went to the movies, the grocery store, out for drives, to the bedroom to take naps, out shopping, out to eat, etc.

I knew pregnancy was hard work, tiring, and no small responsibility.

I knew labor was painful. I knew it was generally a long process for a first child.

I knew very well that not all babies are good (calm, happy, good sleepers, all that) and was aware that newborns drained you of all energy. However, I had been around enough babies to feel comfortable caring for and being tender with my own newborn.

Despite all the [unsolicited] advice from friends and family, I was still in for a few shockers once my sweet baby arrived. I suppose it's a rite of passage for all parents and is just one of those things you have to experience for yourself.

Shocker #1: morning sickness is no light, laughing matter--pregnancy is hard. It can rock your world. My 1st trimester was ripe with weight loss (22 lbs.) and sleeping up to 18 hours a day. The most physically exhausting time of my entire life to date.

Shocker #2: labor pains HURT, and giving birth is no easy feat. Worst pain of my life. Worse than anyone could ever attempt to describe. Epidurals sometimes don't take. In my case, neither of mine did. Sometimes labor doesn't progress as it should. Birth plans can go awry. C-sections become a valid option when you've all but given up on getting your child out of the womb. (Side note: Having a C-section doesn't make you any less of a person, woman, or mother, and your birth can be just as joyous as a traditional birth!)

Shocker #3: newborns cry. A lot. I was fully prepared for my baby to be instantly comforted by whatever means I attempted to calm her. Wrong! Newborns have to learn to be comforted by what their parents do. It took a full week for Kimmy to be calmed as quickly and easily as I had envisioned. Luckily, I was blessed with a wonderfully happy child who was relatively low-maintenance as newborns go.

Shocker #4: free time is a thing of the past. I knew the first few months would be exhausting, but all those people who warned me about never sleeping again were actually wrong. Kimmy has always been a good sleeper, and sleeping when she slept as an infant made feeling rested a pretty attainable goal most days.

What they really should have warned me about was never getting to do anything on my time table again...such as getting out of the house by a certain time, getting to go to the store alone, being able to spend time or money on yourself or your own needs, and (the most shocking to me for whatever reason) getting to go to the movies. Jarrell and I have been to the movies once since Kimmy was born. One time. We used to go all the time, but what a different phase of life we are in! I've been twice with Kimmy to see animated films, but it would be lovely to go see something with my big love again.

I don't know what I was thinking--maybe that after a certain point in Kimmy's childhood we'd get more free time. Or I guess maybe that's true, but we're still a few years away from that. Babies and toddlers need constant care. It is very much a give, give, give activity being a mother...but I gain much more than I ever thought possible by giving my love and attention to Kimmy-girl.

(And, luckily, we do have one free night of childcare lined up for when we do decide to go to the movies next! It's wonderful to have good friends.)

The lesson in all this: be appreciative. Priorities change, life becomes about other things, and routine becomes a thing of the past. Through all this, never take things for granted because you never know when your "normal" will shift.

More later. 

-Kels

Being happy for others

Let's face it: we live in a competitive and superlative society, full of titles like "best," "biggest," "prettiest," "largest," "thinnest," "smartest," and so many more that it's actually kind of unbelievable how long it would take to list them all.

Add the concept of trying to come out on top to a world of ABCDFs in school, standardized tests, high unemployment, few jobs, siblings, scholarships, and parental/peer/sociatal pressure, and you've got a world of people perfectly bred to reach for their own ambitions without a thought to others' success--people who spend so much time tunnel-visioning their way through their own lives that they can actually grow to resent anything positive going on in the lives of those around them.

I'll admit that this is something I've struggled with throughout my upbringing. It's really hard to find your niche when you're a middle child, and you feel like you have to fight for your position among your siblings and peers. Yes, it seems unbelievable to some that birth order can have that strong of an effect on your psyche, but I'm here to tell you that it can...and very often does. I hesitate to say it, but unless you're a middle child, it's likely hard for you to empathize enough to fully grasp how middle-child-ness affects all aspects of childhood to the extent that it begins to shape your self. (But that's another story, and it's not one I harbor any resentment towards, in case your mind has gone there.)

So, on to my point. It took me up until the ripe old age of about 23 to begin to see the light. When I was pregnant, someone who has had fertility issues made a really snotty comment to me that was laced with jealousy and resentment and even undertones of "I don't feel you deserve to be a mother because you are unmarried, and your pregnancy was unplanned--HOW DARE YOU GET PREGNANT AND GET TO BE A MOM WHEN I'M STRUGGLING TO DO SO?" Even though being a mom has been a life-long goal for me and has made me the happiest person alive...and even though I'm a damn good mother because I love the living snot out of my child. (And, also, even though that person is now a parent.) No, I never called this person out; that's not in my character. But, I haven't said much else to them since that incident because I didn't appreciate having my success attacked.

I learned something, though. Something deep and profound and meaningful that has taken me to very happy places since it dawned on me. It doesn't matter who is better or smarter or faster or more successful. It doesn't matter who accomplished one of your goals before you got around to doing it. It doesn't matter whose kid learned something first. It doesn't matter which of your young-professional friends got a higher starting salary or a better job title. What matters is this: we're all on this journey of life together. We all have struggles. We all have hurdles, hoops to jump through, life transitions to maneuver, and, I'll say it, failures.

It matters how you treat other people's success. It matters how you talk to people. Because one day, all those people you supported and congratulated and were truly happy for...will do and be the same for you. They will make you feel validated, uplifted, and, beyond all, loved. And here's the kicker: those types of people--the ones who support all the positive in your life--will also be there for you when you hit rock bottom, without question or judgment. I don't know about you, but that's the type of person I want to both be and have in my life!