I hesitate to say this in such terms because it implies regret, but it's a stunning realization when you see that your life will never be how you once envisioned it. I have very few regrets in life (despite my best efforts to always live with none), and I certainly do not regret anything that led to the birth of my child. However, this state of anxiety I'm always in causes my mind to circle and reel with negativity and self-doubt. I question every aspect of myself and where I'm going in life on an almost-daily basis. Will I ever be successful? What even defines success? Perhaps my high standards for myself have always been unattainable. Will I ever finish grad school? Will I re-learn to face people, conversations, and events that cause me severe apprehension and cause me to be avoidant? Will I ever regain my motivation and drive to do, be, speak, act, and live better? Will I ever have the luxury of saving money? Will I get a job? Will I be able to provide for my daughter as my parents always have for me? The ponderings of my mind never end. They keep me up at night, and they wake me early. I quite literally cannot turn it off.
Through it all, I continuously realize, again and again, that my life is not my own. My path is not my own. My thoughts are not my own. My timing is not my own. I live on God's time--borrowed time--that has been bled and paid for. No matter what mistakes I made, am making, or will make, God's love for me never ceases. His plan for me never falters. His omniscience of my heart and mind never waver. Still, while I can type this now with understanding and comfort, I am only human, and this realization is not always at the forefront of my mind. I have to tell myself these thoughts over and over, daily, hourly, constantly. I have to pray and read. I have to be knocked down to my lowest mental state sometimes before this whole concept even crosses my mind.
This is not how I feel it should be. At what point in my life did Christ exit the center-stage position in my conscience, my thoughts, and my every decision? I want to put him back on that pedestal where he belongs! I'm done with prayer bargaining: "Do this for me, Lord, and I promise I'll blank, blank, blank." No! I want to be led, guided, pushed. I want to step back and let God show me the path for my feet because, obviously, I'm not able to find it on my own right now.
Lord, show me where to go. Draw me close, shoulder my burdens, forgive my many sins, and plant my feet on the steps you've planned for my life path. I need you. I love you. Show me my way.
I am happy that my life didn't turn out like I planned. I'm not a writer or a singer, (but I still do both). I didn't earn my first graduate degree until what?--20 years after I graduated high school? I didn't find my career until over 15 years after I graduated high school, and I had to be pushed into it then. I am a proud and happy mother and grandmother, but the children and grandchild both arrived much sooner than I had expected or planned. I didn't move away from Logan until I was 52--but that was OK, too.
ReplyDeleteLife is what you make of it. Maybe the best success is learning to live and be happy in the moment. I made time for graduate school, even if I did have to go one class at a time. I found some part-time jobs to help support my family. Whenever I experienced extreme stress and anxiety, I had to ask myself why. What did I need to change in order to feel better?