Saturday, April 20, 2013

Where I stand

Once again, I'm back to my old love: writing. So much has changed. So much is uncertain. So much is scary. So much is happy.

What I want this blog to be is a place to clear my head. It's about mental health, expressions of all things abstract from my brain, and clarity. I can also tell you what this blog is not meant to be; it's not about attention, comparison, or judgment. If you don't like it, please move on.

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With that being said, here's a summary of my current self.

I'm 24. Jarrell and I are going strong on our 5th year of togetherness. My life dream of becoming a mother has been fulfilled. Kimberly Jarae was born August 7, 2012, and she's the absolute love of my life!

Speaking of love, I love Jesus. Prayer, Bible verses, and faith have brought me through so much, especially over the last year or so. My faith isn't perfect. My words and actions aren't perfect. But God's forgiveness and love couldn't be more perfect.

I kinda-sorta dropped out of grad school, in part because of childcare issues, in part because I lost my financial aid (I had to withdraw from several classes while pregnant, and I didn't do so hot once I was back in school non-pregnant), and in part because I lost all motivation to be a student when I had a lovely daughter at home demanding my attention as her mother. C'est la vie, I suppose.

I often wonder if the anxiety and crazy emotions I experienced during pregnancy carried over and have permanently affected my sense of self. I also often wonder if I have real, diagnosable postpartum anxiety. I grapple with feelings of failure and ineptitude. I struggle to make new friends here in Bloomington, where, for the first time in my adult life, I am a resident of a city where I am not also a student. I am unemployed and flat broke. I have a bachelor's degree and no job to show for it, and I can't seem to find a good fit for me, exacerbating my feelings of personal chaos.

I am actively searching for myself. If you find me first, please let me know.

-Kels